I Miss You

10/3/09

I miss you, all of my misplaced frineds

you belong here, with me, in this town

i miss you, all of my misplaced moments

come back, I promise I'll use you more wisely

I miss you, all the things I never did and all the people I have never met

I wish I could call you up and tell you how much i care

i miss you, all my forgotten friends

receding deep into my subconsious

i miss you, all the good things that are now gone

i miss you and all the nights we stayed up late

talking about everything and nothing at all

i miss you, all those sunlit summer days and clear winter nights

i miss you, all you people who died too soon

and all the people who survived, as well

i miss you, all of my friends who are still here

i miss you, energetic children

i miss you, lover i have never loved

friend i've never seen, person i've never spoken to

i miss you

Old Books

Thinking about wisdom and love and old books tonight.  Did you know that a whole bunch of my favorite books from my childhood are free online?  Louisa May Alcott, L.M. Montgomery, Hugh Lofting, etc.  It's simultaneously fantastic/slightly bad.  Because I just want to read them instead of studying for my tests next week.  So yeah.

You

1/24/09

i've been pretending

and the charade is almost over

you are leaving and i can relapse

too much laughter, not enough talk

a friendship built on wisps of silk

and butterfly gauze,

fairy forts and make-believe

too insubstantial to last

in the real world

and now, this is the real world

but you, with you i've been real

because you welcomed reality

you are staying in my heart and my town

enough talk, enough laughter

a sturdy structure, a pavilion with columns

and flowers and butterfly gauze,

adventures and life

reality and exploration

with you, this is permanent

Words

9/28/11

My words so often fail

and I am unable to communicate

unable to share my thoughts

Words are an imprecise instrument

through which to convey ideas.

And yet-

And yet-

We manage to communicate

and you always say what I need

and want to hear.

Those words - need and want-

fail to get across the idea

I'm trying to say.

So I'll simply say

everything you said was perfect.

Lonely all the same

1/24/09

my values have changed

my ideals have grown

my heros remain

my friendships have deepened

my peers have grown up

my lifelong friend stayed the same

i'm different, and you don't recognize

and celebrate me, don't acknowledge the differences

you're the same, childish and petulant

stubborn and shy, and private, alone by choice

but lonely all the same

I'M COMING HOME IN THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have no idea how happy this makes me.
Or how much I've been looking forward to this.
Then again, maybe you do ;)

Your worth

1/24/09

So many times i tried to connect

but you turned away

so many times i tried to talk

but you laughed at me

so i'm giving up

this business of helping you grow up

you haven't shown your worth to me

because all of this work

to keep being friends

it's reaching a limit

i will only give so much effort

if all i get back in return is laughter

and petulance and stubbornness

if you won't grow up

it's not worth my time

or my life or my friendship

Omm nom nom

I'm totally eating peanut butter straight from the jar right now.

I stayed up till 2 last night because I discovered that a lot of L.M. Montgomery's books are public domain now, and so are all free online.

I have no regrets.

Medecin Qui!

So one of my assignments for French this week is to "Choose your favorite character from a film, television show, or a book and write a description of this character."  Basically, I have to write a paragraph in French about my favorite television character.  It's a no brainer who I'm writing about.  The Doctor!  Specifically, number Eleven.  I'm having fun!  And getting a large portion of it done three days early.  I'll put it up here, also in English, when I get all the grammatical stuff sorted out, so Kiersten doesn't point out all of the mistakes.  Also, I'm currently wearing my new Doctor Who shirt I got yesterday :)  (Also, I know that Medecin needs an accent aigu.  I don't know how to make one on the keyboard, and I don't want to waste time finding out.)

Busy Busy Busy

Doing things all the time!  Is kind of fun, but also kind of crazy.  Yeah.  I don't have much for you tonight. Oh, I did get my new Doctor Who shirt.  It's a teefury one I bought a few weeks ago, and I'm happy with it.  So yeah, that's life today.

Journey

12/8/08

every journey begins with a single step

some say

when did i take the step that led me

here today?

Was it the step that took me onto

my high school floor?

The one into the classroom,

where i was taught history

isn't mere lore?

Or perhaps it was the step to greet

new friends, who changed me

even more?

perchance it was the step to reconnect

to an old friend, indeed my heart

he tore.

All of these steps furthered my journey

into my deeper self.

these pilgrimage i've taken

now lay reconsidered here

on my mind's shelf.

Home

12/8/08

I used to think that home

was where i slept

and ate

and did my homework.

Where i teased my brothers

and fed the dog

and read long books.

Now I know that home exists

inside the people i call

friends,

family,

teachers.

There i am kept safe

and warm

and protected.

There i truly live.

The curse of the night owl/morning person

The sun goes down, the sky darkens, and my brain, which has been off all afternoon, turns on again.

Concerning Last Friday

I went to the Arb on Friday.  It's this gorgeous nature preserve that the University owns.  I went with a few of my friends, and it was fantabulous.  I was in the middle of all this beauty on the first day of Fall, and the only thing marring my enjoyment of it was the fact that I wanted to show it to you.

Quotes and Stories

"I thought of how Will knew everything about me, and how if he were gone, part of me would be missing forever.  I wondered if the person who really loves you is the person who knows all your stories, the person who wants to know all your stories."

Favorite quotes.  Most of them don't live on my facebook page, and the ones there aren't really my favorite.  If you want to know me, my book of quotes would tell you a lot.
I don't know why I haven't told you more about my favorite quotes before.  But that sentence in your letter, about loving my desire to tell you my stories, made me smile a lot.  I've been thinking about it, about stories and love and the way we always seem to be on the same page, even when we don't realize it.  We communicate ideas and thoughts without words, with emotions and facial gestures instead.  And I love it.

I is sorry

I did not blog yesterday.  At all.  It was kind of crazy around here.  I went to the library and then wandered around Ann Arbor with Alyssa and Ria and Wade because it was Alyssa's birthday.  So she got a bunch of free stuff.  And I bought a cool ring.  And then I came back to the dorm and chilled for many hours because wandering around had exhausted me.  Not physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally exhausted me.

I find that when I hang out with people who are like me, or who see the world the way I do, or who just understand me incredibly well, I feel really refreshed and relaxed.  And the less like me someone is, the harder it is for me to be around them for a long period and still be invested in the conversation.  And the more people there are, the faster I get tired of being around them.  That sounds bad.  But it's true.  I actually get tired of them, and need to go be by myself.  And sometimes they just don't understand that.  Or I'm on their list of people who refresh them, and they're on my list of people who exhaust me.

I think it's because the less someone is like me, the more energy I have to use to be invested in and understand the conversation.  So I get tired quicker.  But if someone understands me super well, I get energy from the conversation or just being with them.

Mkay.  Time to eat breakfast and then go to church.

Soap Bubbles

9/22/08

epiphanies float in the air like soap bubbles

rainbow colored, promising beauty and truth

but when i try to catch one, my fingers close on nothing

leaving me with a film on my hands and the memory of the iridescence

i still try

Girly Stuff!

So this is going to be an interesting post.  One of my facebook friends posed a question that I wanted to respond to on here.  He asked "I feel like if I was a girl, I would be aware of my increased emotional state once a month and compensate by consciously being more lenient toward life. Is this impossible/wrong?"
A rather interesting discussion followed on his status.

Anyway, its really hard to be rational with hormones coursing through your body.  You don't want to be rational.  You want to feel sad, or angry, or happy, or pissed off for no reason.  And sometimes it's hard to differentiate between normal emotions and emotions influenced by higher levels of hormones.  And it's not just heightened emotions, it's also more dramatic mood swings.  And for girls with irregular cycles, sometimes they don't even realize they've been PMSing until they actually get their period, and their behavior over the preceding week makes more sense.  When I do realize that I'm PMSing, it is easier to control my emotions, or at least recognize that they may be lying to me, and that my emotions will change within a day.

Yeah.

I Am Blessed

9/18/09

there is this huge, imaginative, mystical, amazing thing that sings in purples and blues and greys

and if you've never seen it

if you've never breathed in pure air

or never danced in the rain

you have never lived

and this thing

is everywhere when you know how to see it

in everything

and every time

i have it and know it

i am blessed

"You're my best friend, you're my good old buddy"

Dancing in my dorm room to YouTube musicians I just discovered makes me super happy.  Listening to the YouTube musicians I just discovered makes me really, really happy.  On a related note, I discovered how to make playlists in YouTube.

"You're my best friend, you're the one I'll always love."

The Memory Of A Memory Of A Dream

9/6/08

soft melodies and pastels

happiness and blue

yearning feelings and blurred pictures

warm and safe but only

the memory of a memory of a dream

dust motes stained gold

liquid yellow creeps along my skin

brown carpet rough under my back

the same feeling

happiness

a song this time

soothing and peaceful and just so mellow

like the iridescence of a black cat lounging in the sun

before he rolls in the dust and turns grey

with forgetfulness

dried bouquets

sweet peas and one rose

still pink at the center

but slowly giving up in time to retain some soft beauty

you ask what love is

i can give you no other reply than

those days when we sat and drank black currant tea

and read books and talked as the rain steadily fell

enclosing us in a soft moment we wished would never end

it is the same happiness

New Places, New Faces

I really, really, really love this song.  Go listen to it.

New Places, New Faces by Kaysy Ostrom.
We can't decide as we walk along this road
What to see, Oh the places we should go
And I've only known these people for a few weeks or so
There are so many things about them I still don't know

Can I keep up with these faster paces?
Can I breathe in all these open spaces?
Is it too soon to say I love these faces?
I'm in a brand new city, in a world full of places.

There's a nervous excitement about a fresh start
And it can be terrifying showing a stranger what's in your heart.
But we share our passion, we share our art
And it's already rare to see us apart

Can I keep up with all the new trends?
Can I handle all that this life sends?
Is it too soon to call them my best friends?
I'll just keep living. I don't care how the plot ends.

Some people think about happy ever after.
I just wanna fill today with all my joy, all my laughter
When are you gonna own up
It's no fun to act like a grown up
So I smile because I care.
It's ok to be a little scared.
There's a whole world out there
There's a whole world out there.

Can I keep up with these faster paces?
Can I breathe in all these open spaces?
Is it too soon to say I love these faces?
I'm in a brand new city, in a world full of places.

I'll Write You The Story...

8/17/08

i'll write you the story of my forever friend

sitting on top the sky

with the wind in my hair and my feet on the roof

my forever friend and i

it began long ago, when i first realized

that you were you and i was i

when time was new and you were too

and life would never pass us by

i discovered this friend inside my head

at the tender age of three

as i followed my brother's actions

to prove my worth to me

since then, i've looked back once or twice

maybe more like twenty

but as time has flowed, his worth he has shown

my forever friend and me

:)

I'm teaching myself how to whistle!

Things that have happened thus far today

1) A bug flew into my nose
2) I got a tiny blister on the side of my foot
3) A lazy freshman took the elevator to the third floor from the lobby.  That's only a flight and a half of stairs!


I'm still having a pretty good day.

Sunny days make me think of you.

Today was a pretty fantastic day.  I got a whole lot done, and hung out with people, and went to class, and chilled in the Diag, and wrote a letter, and enjoyed myself.  All without stressing out and at the same time, getting everything I needed done today done.  So I'm pretty proud of myself.  I'm pretty happy about today, all in all.  Also, I really, really like today's poem.

Someday I'll Wish

8/12/08

someday, i'll realize i needed you

someday i'll really care

someday you'll be essential to my life

i'll really need you there

but for now, but for today

i don't need you here

i wish you wouldn't stay

i wish you'd go far, far away

and leave me here,

all alone with my thoughts

and my friends

and my day

My collection of nerdy posters

4 Lord of the Rings Posters, old ones printed many years ago way before the movies
1 Sunflowers painting by Van Gogh
1 French the Llama poster
1 Van Gogh's Exploding TARDIS poster.


I will take pictures of my room sometime in the future so you can see everything in all of it's glory.

Pranking is fun!

So two of my friends are playing an extremely elaborate prank on a whole bunch of my other friends.  It's in the very beginning stages right now, but I think it has the potential to be freaking amazing and hilarious. I mean, it's already pretty fantastic.  Basically, they are sending all of these "form" letters to people from other people in the group of friends.  And it's really funny so far.  The first letters are just starting to arrive in mailboxes, and thus far I've been privy to the first people's reactions.  And they are so confused and it's hilarious.  Someone declared war on someone else, and they're both so confused.  Wow, I keep repeating myself.  Mkay.  I think it's bedtime.

Same Old Place

8/12/08

sitting in the same old place again

staring at the same patch of white

ceiling flaking, moldy walls

what brought me here again?

i promised myself never again

yet i just can't seem to stop

maybe tomorrow we'll hang out again

maybe tomorrow i'll be away from here

the same old spot, same emotions

and thoughts

not again, not again

i thought this was over

but the feelings and emotions rush to prove me wrong

some day i'll be right about this

someday i'll never come back

but for now, but for today

i'm sitting in the corner of my mind

again embracing the black

(1)9 and 3/4

I'm going to be 20 in exactly three months.  What!?

So uh, I studied a bit today.  I studied and read and wrote and went to church and ate food.  All in all, I feel pretty good about today, even though I could have done more studying and school related activities.  So that's happy.

I was reading me some Bible tonight, and I came across this verse that I really, really love.
Isaiah 58:12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good to me.

Oh man.  Sometimes God is so freaking amazing and fantastic and meets us right where we need him to.  We serve an awesome God.

I Mourn the Fact...

7/22/08

i mourn the fact

that poetry is most apt

to come

when unheeded

unlooked for

unneeded

and

unnecessary

i mourn the fact

that life has no remote

no buttons

like pause

rewind

stop

or

undo

i mourn the fact

that friends can't see

inside me

to my heart

mind

soul

and

motives

i mourn the fact

that time has a habit of

distorting life

into swirls

eddies

pools

and

rapids

i mourn the fact

that life is not like books

with friendly

little clues

distinctions

story lines

and

endings

i mourn the fact...

I am rather sad tonight, lonely and missing people, missing you.  I have drank copious amounts of honey-colored tea, and eaten some chocolate.  I have written three pages of a letter I may or may not send, depending on how I feel about what I wrote tomorrow.  I have read a little bible, listened to some music, and thought a lot.  I have watched Doctor Who and then got on tumblr, which was full of Doctor Who, which is a very large contributer to my sad, melancholy mood.  I don't know who or what I need tonight to make things better.  I don't know if I want things to be "better."  Secretly, I think I kind of enjoy being sad sometimes.  Maybe sleep will help, or make things clearer.

Doctor Who, y u make me cry?

First World Problems

I've got things to do, but John Green is currently signing books on youtube and talking about stuff.  And listening to him talking about things is a lot more interesting than all of the other stuff I need to do.  Blargh!

Just Childhood

7/15/08

insubstantial fabric floated in the wind

my faery fort beneath the trees

rainbow forever protected me

and dreams locked forever in

when hope didn't need a special occasion

when stars were magical

and pennies and dandelions granted your every wish

before faery tales changed

and became mere bedtime tales

when life was simple, emotions pure

depths of feeling untainted

life was lived in expectant moments

no stress, no duties, no rush

just childhood

Blah blog post

So umm, today was long and kind of busy/hectic until five, at which point I just started relaxing and resting.  And it's been fantastic.  Except for dinner, which was kind of bad, because the food wasn't very good, and it was just kind of was annoying.  But everything else was great.  I'm sorry.  Tonight you don't get any deep thoughts, or personal thoughts, or anything.  Just this blah blog post.

Soft Friday Nights

This is how I spend my Friday nights, watching French movies about Chess.  And then looking at every post from a tumbler called Things Organized Neatly.

When?

7/1/08

when did the i-love-yous and goodbye hugs become routine, expected, unimportant?

when did watching movies and naming trees become substitutes for talking?

when did this happen?

when did we drift apart, the current of our friendship slowly splitting into two?

when were we best friends?

how long haven't we been?

when was it that i changed and you didn't

when didn't you even pay attention to the changes?

when did we no longer fit together?

when were we no longer the same?

when did this all happen?

and why haven't you noticed?

Can you see what I see?

I was going to write something interesting and long that I thought about today, but then I realized I'm too tired to write what I want to say in a coherent and good way that will convey what I mean.  So you get this little ramble instead.  Sorry.  Maybe I'll write the thing tomorrow.

A full day

A long, busy, fruitful, full-of-accomplishments day.  And now it's late, and I've only been back in my room for a few minutes.  Time to go to sleep, so I can have another full day tomorrow.  That's okay, though.  I got a lot done, and it was actually a good day.  Just full of stuff.  Most of my days lately have been good days, thankfully.

Best Friend? No Longer

6/24/08

you let me down again, hurt me and left me discarded by the side of the road

again i question you

do you not care?

do you not believe me when i say it hurts?

do you forget so quickly?

how can you be my best friend anymore?

that's just it; you no longer are

in three weeks your spot in my heart has been taken over

because you no longer understand me

no longer show you care that much

no longer ask me how i am

how my week has been

you no longer know my danger signals

you no longer understand what i need in my best friend

you are no longer there when i need you

so you are regulated to a lesser part in my heart

i suppose i'm growing up

but i hate to think about what you are doing as i get more mature

experience more, become friends with more people, older people

people you would never talk to

i'm leaving you behind, along with my childhood and immaturity

funny, that's what i've noticed, i've matured

and you haven't

i'll save you a place for when you mature

when you grow and open your mind and face the unpleasant things in life

when you are on the same plane as me again

Indistinct Haze

The blue haze of rain
in the distant window
is beautiful in its indistinctness.
The cold wet shoes I wear
remind me that close up,
the beauty is harder to see
and appreciate.

Once

6/17/08

once i knew how to dance in the rain

how to sing in the shower

laugh for an hour

once i knew how to be myself

without a doubt

for another self they never did tout

once i knew how to tell you things

secrets in the nights

when we stopped our fights

once i knew the voices of nature

of the flowers

of rose-covered bowers

once i was a child

much like you

but now i'm old

and now i'm through

Package Problems

So I just went to go get some packages from the Community Center that had been shipped to me.  Six of them, to be precise.  The reason I was going and getting them all at once was that I wasn't aware that I had packages waiting for me until yesterday evening, when I got all the emails time-stamped from the past three days.  Anyway, I went to get my packages, and there was quite a long line, even with five or six people working at the desk.  We had just gotten a new program designed to help with mail, but instead it just sucks and makes people wait in line for half an hour before they can have their packages.  But I think it was worth it.  I got two textbooks, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, Tin Man, Captivating, and Wild at Heart.  I'm kind of excited about it.  And I have two posters in the mail!  And another movie (Alice).  Oh, and a t-shirt.  I'm excited.  Also, I need to stop spending money online.

How did it get to be so late?  I guess I did quite a bit of stuff today.  Hmm...


And tomorrow is my really long day.  Yeah

Clues

6/17/08

i gave you clues

clues to tell you i wanted you to care

wanted you to ask, even if i pretended like i didn't want to talk about it

but you were fooled by the charade

all of you were fooled

all i wanted was an ear to listen

and tonight, couldn't you hear how close to tears i was?

couldn't you hear my heart in my voice?

couldn't you tell i wanted a hug and attention?

but no, all you heard was what you wanted to hear

no, i wasn't able to come, i had work in the morning, have a fun time, see you sunday.

are you going to be at softball?...

the phone goes dead and i find myself talking to the emptiness

i hang the phone up and retreat into my room where i can let the tears fall unnoticed

i hope you care enough to help patch the crack you just widened

i hope you care enough to notice

i hope you care

i would call you back

but

but the phone is in the living room

and i don't want my parents to know how i feel

nothing except what i can't have will make everything better

nothing except what i can't have...

i can't have a conversation

with my best? friends

i don't know any more

i don't know anything anymore

nothing gives me the peace i crave

nothing

sleep is just a continuation of life

or else life is a continuation of sleep

all i know is that confusion and strangeness pervade both

i can't even escape into books;

my drug of choice no longer satisfies

i know what you would say

trust God and his love for you

i would, but my heart

my heart refuses to be lifted up by hope

and wallows in it's depressed and lonely state

Bemused

Sometimes, I have no idea how to respond to things, for they are outside my realm of experience.

I'm feeling exhausted.  Also good.  But it's been a long day.  And the caffeine didn't help anything.  So yeah.  I'm sorry about the lack of actual proper sentence structure in the preceding sentences.  This is how I'm feeling.  Also, this is what caffeine does to me.  Makes me exhausted and awake at the same time.  It's not a very comfortable feeling, actually.  I'm going to go spend some time with Jesus, mkay?  Mkay.

I Can't Tell You

6/17/08

You don't know me anymore

Once, i was who you thought

but no longer

not after this, this thing

that i can't tell you

unless it's late

and we watch chick flicks

and eat gummi worms

and you promise not to laugh or tell

but we can't get together

and so i tell my computer and watch chick flicks and eat gummi worms in my room

while you swim and laugh and have fun and hang out across town

i hate growing up

hate not being able to have sleepovers when i want

i hate having a job and not being able to connect with you

i hate PMSing and loneliness and not being able to banish this feeling

my soul needs healing

healing from the depression

healing from these thoughts

healing from this, this feeling of being alone and disconnected

but my heart won't do what i want it to

so i sit and cry, alone with my music you never heard

and my journal at my side; my best friend now

I keep running into people I know around campus.  And it's pretty awesome.


Also, I am such a nerd.  I have a list of homework to do, and out of the whole list, I only want to do my organic chemistry problems.  Oh, chemistry, how I've missed you.  I'm sorry it took me so long to realize how much I like you, but I know it now!  That's got to mean something.  Please don't be too mean because of my year away from you.  Love, Hannah.

I opened my envelopes of dried flowers and leaves today.  They smelled like dried flowers, but one of them, the one that held the leaves, smelled like maple syrup.  I was confused for a moment, then realized that most of the leaves I had pressed two years ago were maple leaves.


On my way to church this evening, I passed many couples walking across campus.  It made me miss you :)


The letter is sitting on my table, all ready for me to drop it in the mailbox in five minutes :)

Flipped

6/14/08

iridescent, beautiful, philisophical

i wish i was like her

brave, unafraid, bold

but i'm afraid i've been hiding behind a mask i thought was me

when really, it wasn't

it wasn't me at all

i just wanted to say that i was sorry

sorry for my behavior

sorry i never realized

that myself was good enough all along

that that wasn't me

that was never me

but you don't know, don't realize

because this is all you know of me

i will change, show the iridescence underneath this false paint

false paint of life and being like everyone else

with their loud arrogant opinions and self-righteous beliefs

i'm so sorry

so so sorry

i was so wrong

can you ever forgive me?

can you ever trust me?

can you ever love me?

Considering a different time

I have spent more than half my life in a post-9/11 world.  I hardly remember how things were before that day.  I am one of the generation who seem to have always lived in this sort of world, with tighter airport security, a war in the middle east, and the constant need to win against an idea.

I don't remember much of that day.  And what I remember could in fact be conflated from several different days or other people's stories.  I don't remember the teachers being distant or sad.  I do remember that one of the teachers had been coming back from some vacation from somewhere in New York State, and his flight was delayed, so he wasn't there that day (or maybe he just got there late.  I don't remember clearly).  My brother and I and another kid from out neighborhood were walking back home together after school, when we saw a Newspaper box.  We glanced at the front page, and the other kid said something about it.  Jesse and I ran the three blocks home to find our mother crying in the living room.  That's my most prominent memory of the day-comforting my mother as she wept, not fully understanding what had happened.

And afterward, in the days and weeks to follow, I remember the flags.  The American flags were everywhere, on every business, on every flag pole.  The message on every sign: "We stand United."  Oh we were very patriotic that first year, those first months.

I've never seen footage of the attacks, only seen pictures.  And I don't think I want to see footage.  I know the attacks happened, and I know our collective lives were changed, I think for the worst.  And I think that's enough for me.

It's not that I'm callous, or unfeeling, or that I don't care that the attacks happened. I do care.  The loss of one life is horrible, but the deaths of so many people is just horrific.  I think the worst part is that it only took a small group of people to change our world.  That's why we are so afraid, why we focus on things like this, even though our chances of dying from a drunk driver or lightning or a stroke or heart disease are much higher.  We are afraid because it only takes one person who doesn't care about their own life to destroy the lives of everyone around them.  And yet, so often, people's lives are destroyed in much less tangible ways by other people who only care about their own lives.

We are afraid because the world turned out to be so much more scary and antithetical to us and the ideas we stand for than we ever suspected.  We are afraid because the rules of war have changed for the worse.  We are afraid because, "with enough people, blowing up a building can change the world" (V for Vendetta)

Being in love with your best friend is really kind of great.  Being in love with your best friend who lives a hundred miles away really kind of sucks.


I'm going to go build a blanket fort now.

Football Saturdays are great and all, but I really hate all the noise.  Thanks Shady Phi.  Also, guy yelling outside my window.



...



Oh yeah.  Tomorrow is September Eleventh.  Maybe I'll post an actually thought out post about that.  Maybe not.

Sometimes, people scare me

I seem to have spent the day not thinking about anything important.  Instead of homework and New Life stuff and God and Aaron and everything else that's important, I have spent the day watching movies and reading books, and not thinking about everything I needed to think about.  I have not written in my journal, or finished the letter I'm writing (sorry Aaron), or done my homework, or had my quiet time, or actually talked to really anyone.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I'm kind of afraid that I might be afraid of going outside, where all the people are.  I mean, up to some point this is realistic, as today is a football saturday and it's a historic one and everyone is wearing maize and blue and getting drunk all over town and the streets are insanely crowded.  Also, it is now dark, and they still haven't caught the guy or guys who had been assaulting girls this summer.  So this isn't entirely crazy.  But sometimes I just sit up in my dorm room and I'm almost paralyzed about having to go interact with all of these people, and deal with being around them, and deal with sensory overload.  And I hate it, but I can't seem to snap myself out of it.  And it would help to talk to people, but Alyssa isn't here, and besides I'm not sure how helpful that would be, and I'm not sure who is here in their dorm room instead of watching the game.  Basically, I'm in a bad mental state and can't get out of it.  And being outside would help but that wouldn't work because of the rapist.  Seeing outside would also help, but Alyssa lofted her bed and it's right next to the window, so I can't really see the lovely view we have, like ever.  And I'm just complaining now.  I'm going to go do something positive, that will make me feel better and will make someone else happy.

And you weren't there

6/3/08

i needed my best friend...

and you weren't there

i needed a shoulder to cry on...

and you weren't there

i needed a hug...

and you weren't there

i needed someone to talk to...

and you weren't there

i needed you...

and you weren't there

i was hurting and alone...

and you weren't there

i wanted to tell you...

and you weren't there

i wanted to share...

and you weren't there

I'm going to apologize in advance for the poems of the next week.  They are rather, um, well, accusatory in tone and subject matter.  So yeah.  I'll probably put up some more recent stuff to make up for it :)


I've got nothing else tonight.

I went to a party* tonight.  And I left early, even though I really like all of the people who were there because I was tired and needed to recharge.  I'm a little sad about this.  I'm going to go read a book now.





* This was a dry party with all of my Southside friends.

Life

5/15/08

life swirls and images surface,

strange thoughts and memories,

awkwardness and safety,

friendship and school

life is crazy, confusing, murky

but never truly dark,

never truly without hope

or joy

or the promise of a better tomorrow

because this is what my jesus did for me:

he died on a cross, was crucified so that i may live with the truest hope there ever was

the hope of a tomorrow where no one hates,

no one dies and everyone loves

where the best being, the only good being in the entire universe loves everyone and they love him back

this is no fairy tale, this is my hope and my faith

this is me

I don't even know.  Time for sleep, and maybe things will be better? in the morning.  Different.  I'm processing things right now.  God things.  I need rest.

Rain Dreams

5/2/08

i wish the rain would come and dissolve me

wash me away into the cracks of the sidewalk

to where the chalk stains go

and the sad ones dwell

to where rain dreams come and tuck me into bed

and where birds sing in the bush

i wish the thunder would come and deafen me

make me forget the day and time

of my next responsibility

and make me only want to sleep on the grass

covered by wind and rain and guarded by thunder

i wish the evening would end and leave me cocooned

safely wrapped in the protective darkness

of wind and rain and thunder

i wish...

Adventures in acquiring textbooks

I had a fun time this morning.  I decided that time had come to go buy my textbooks.  So I braved the heavy rain and walked the ten minutes to the campus bookstore.  After some searching, I found my textbooks and got in line.  At this point, I had a nagging feeling I should check and make sure I had my debit card.  I didn't.  I had left it on my desk after I ordered books off of Amazon yesterday.  So I left my books at the customer service desk and walked back to the dorm in the rain.  I got my card, and went back to the bookstore.  At this point, I'm pretty wet, umbrella notwithstanding, but I'm not upset.  It's just kind of "oh well."  I get my books from the desk and get in line.  I'm next in line when all the registers in the store and the adjacent store crash at the same time.  I just start laughing at this, because it's just rather ridiculous.  They fix the problem, and the guy checks out my books, I pay, and he starts putting them in bags and telling me about their return policy.  At this point he notices that one of my books hasn't rung up ("It looks like the store tried to give you a free book!").  But all of the debit/credit card readers are down because they are resetting them.  I wait a few minutes, and they're able to get everything set and I finally go back to the dorm with my books that took me an hour to get.  It was ridiculous, and I wasn't even mad.  I just find it funny that there were so many problems.

I always forget that no matter how worn out and tired I feel, curling up with a good book will always make me feel better.

Sleep?

4/26/08

dancing with my brothers and dad's trumpet replies

friends groove and so tired, tired, tired...

but no sleep, never sleep, nev...er...sle...ep...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

what?!!!!!!!!!

alarm-chased dreams flee; I sigh and thump my head on the pillow

another day, another life, it was only a dream...

Or was it?

The pictures say it was reality, always reality, always re-al-it-y

somehow life is okay; whenever I think I'll go crazy at my house, something happens

something happens to me

and i leave the house and my insanity behind me for a few hours

and it makes everything bearable, always bearable, forever bearable

yeah, sleep makes everything bearable for me

but reality even more so, even more..., even...

Long Days

So Wednesdays are going to be really long.  I start at 10 and have class on and off till 9.  So yeah.  I'm about to go to class.  Funness.  I'm not looking forward to the fifteen minute walk, in the cold damp September evening :(

I don't know if my brother knows how much I love him and care for him and miss him.  I don't know if he knows how proud of him I am.  I'm crying a little bit right now about this.



I'm sad tonight.  And not prepared for tomorrow.

Untitled

4/26/08

come take me away, take me away, take me away

to places i've never been before

to music i've never heard before

to sights i've never seen before

place me in front of the streetlights and tell me a story

of love and war and heros and pain

tell me about your war and peace and final choice in the moonlight

make a wish on the first star to be somewhere else, someone else

anywhere but now, anytime but here

any...any...any...

yes, wind swept grass and evening tinted time change the mood

to forever and ever and nowhere and here

i wish you lived across the street again, where i could talk and sing and cry

nowhere near here...

I wish for football games and the strange awkwardness of it all

anything but this

anything but this lonely friday night filled with movies

and unfulfilled yearnings for interaction

but no... sitting with my mind blurting out things onto the screen instead

friday night times are filled with the loneliness of myself, me and I and a notebook...

always the notebook

On classes and structure

I started classes today.  I felt so old and mature as I walked across campus and sat in my classrooms, listened to the teachers talk, saying things I knew already.  I'm going to like my French teacher and my History teacher.  But I already knew that I liked my history teacher because I had him last year.  Yup.

I'm glad that classes are starting and I can get into a routine of doing things.  I like things to be structured a lot of the time.  And even if something is impulsive, I like giving myself time to do it in my schedule/structure.  There is usually a level of fluidity built into my structure and schedule, but it works inside of the routine.

Today has been the kind of day where even though I got stuff done, I didn't get the stuff I planned to get done done, so I don't feel like I really accomplished anything.  Even though I did.

But I didn't get my textbooks, and I didn't search out my classrooms, and I didn't finish the letter I'm writing, and I didn't write in my journal, and I didn't go outside, and I just didn't do things today.  And I nearly didn't publish these thoughts here tonight, because these aren't what I made this blog for, but I don't have any pithy thoughts that are fitting at all.

I just want to relax.  I just want to take some time out of my schedule and just chill with someone who I'm completely comfortable with, with no agenda and it's not considered a meeting to discuss Important Things and I don't have to meet new people.  I just want to talk to you.

Foggy Day

1/6/08

Tree form and symmetry, the closet poet sighs

All forgotten notebooks, left beneath the skies

Rose petals fall, resulting from these lies

Forever slightly tarnished, covered by Not-I's

Back to School blahs

So today I have made two hair clips, a ring, and a pendant, listened to three podcasts, and done absolutely nothing on my to do list.  And classes start tomorrow.  Crap.  I need to get books, figure out exactly where my classes are, and memorize my schedule.  But I don't want to.

I'm sure you've noticed, but I'm trying to post something on both of my blogs every day.  A poem on this one everyday at eight o'clock (I've got it set up so it does it automatically) and some little thought on both of them throughout the day.  I'm excited to see how long I'll keep this up.

It was fun meeting new people today at church and then at the picnic.  I enjoyed talking to them, and hanging out with all of my Southside people.

sometimes

12/2/07

sometimes i am invisible

sometimes i am alone

sometimes i don't know who i am

sometimes that bird is flown

sometimes i see far too much

sometimes i see far too little

sometimes i feel like i could fly

sometimes i am merely brittle

Sigh No More

So I currently am really liking this band called Mumford and Sons.  And I need to get their music, so I won't have to listen to it on Youtube.  But I've had the last part of their song Sigh No More stuck in my head on and off for several months.


Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be 

Five sunset poems

10/23/07

These pathways in the sky

Roads stretch for all my sight

Turning autumn evening to gold

And changing every light

A certain dreamlike air

With golds and blues and greens

Sits and quiets me

and just touches autumn leaves

A vividness not shown,

Nor seen before right now

Lends itself to red

Till softness steals down

The blues and greys and whites

Seem painted on a screen

Stretched over all the earth

While orange-gold colors keen

Death is felt and imminent

But peace and glory too

Hope and sorrow, love and joy

All seem to come from you

On Fresh Faces

I just switched to the new editor on this blog.  I think I'm going to like it, as soon as I get used to the create post screen looking differently than I'm used to.

I'm all moved in, and mostly unpacked, and have begun putting things up on my walls.  So far I have the pretty blue, yellow, and pink scarf that Megan gave me two years ago, my calender (which features cupcakes, and this month has cupcakes frosted with little hamburgers.  I don't know either), a scrapbook page that I made, a poster of Van Gogh's sunflower painting (yes, the reason I have it is because of Doctor Who), and the four Lord of the Rings posters that James gave me a couple of years ago.  I'm thinking about hanging up an aquatic quilt that my grandmother made nineteen years ago, so we'll have some sort of fish in our room.

The stuff on my desk, dresser, and bookshelves is still a mess, so I need to organize all of that.  And Alyssa and I need to make a whole lot of things to put on our door, cause we're pretty artsy-crafty.

On the appropriateness of adjectives

I keep restraining myself from liking every thing you post on Facebook about or related to me. But it's hard.

On another note, this blog seems to be/is becoming a place I dump (in addition to my poetry) all of my mushy thoughts about you. I'm okay with this.

Also, I need to come up with an adjective other than mushy. My Thesaurus suggests sentimental, mawkish, emotional, saccharine, oversweet, slushy, schmaltzy, cheesy, sappy, soppy. Maybe tender is a better word. Or affectionate or fond. I'm liking affectionate. What do you think?

Jonas

10/4/07

I flew this morning-riding my bike-fleeing from something or to something-not quite sure which. Outdistancing my thoughts, my tiredness, my sleep deprived emotions. Riding fast, going hard. Brakes barely slowing me down, wind chilly past my body. On an island of grass-three deer. Two fled from my approach-one remained. And just looked at me. Just stared a me. And I felt this-this is what I was running to.

It's Too Hot!!!

by Hank Green

My eyes snap open it's two o' clock
I rip off my shirt my pants my socks,
something's wrong but I don't know what

Then I start to realize
There's sweat trickling down my thighs
and a fire between the matress and my butt

It's too HOOOOT
it's to hot in here
I'm gonna fall out of my chair
If I have another ice cold beer

I forgooooot
how much it sucks to sweat in bed
And I don't want to drink your Iced Tea
I think I'll take a bath in it instead
It's too hot.

Layin' on the floor with my clothes off
Silk boxer shorts and a wash cloth
Are the only things I'll let touch my skin today

Sprayin myself with an upside down air can
makin love with the window fan
Hopin' the mail man doesn't look in today

It's too HOOOOOT
It's too hot in this town
My will to live is melting
and that's what's got me down

It's too Hoooot
This whole state is on fire
I'm an endothermic organism
and that's why I perspire
It's too Hot

The United Nations
Says eleven thousand
People die of hotness each year

The burning sun
wants eleven thousand and one
It seems to be drawing near

Sweating in my basement all alone
watching hotness prevail by the wine cone
Sympathizing with my favorite youtube star

How could anyone be so deranged
To not believe in climate change.
It's 102 in Montana in the Dark

It's too HOOOOOT
I'm Doing a funny dance
Cause I bought a bag of ice cubes
andI put them in my pants

It's to HOOOT
It's too hot in here
Before I pass out
please pass me my beer
It's too hot.

My desire to make it glaringly obvious to everyone all over the internet that I like this one Boy, and the part of me that is really shy about boy stuff are currently fighting a pitched battle. I don't know which side is going to win.

...

...

...

(I'm kind of hoping the mushy side does)

Things That Make Me Happy

Watching Hank and John play FIFA '11 is so entertaining, it occasionally brings me to the point of tears because I'm laughing so hard.

Remember the summer this was our song?

Also, this.

Trbx

9/25/07

Trbx

“I have no emotions associated with briefcases” and flippant coconuts tell of blackness and rain. A horse named Brideen and cuteness contains chopsticks and Emily’s top hat. The rain soaks through velvet moonlight to freeze on my skin-a kind of healthy change from clamminess and trees. Penny Quinn turns Pink and the ironies of archaic and no strings attached become manifest as a blank titled poem unravels into a jumble of numbers turned letters turned numbers-hexadecimal riddles and pastel flowers and this would be a cool puzzle cloud. Somehow, the rain falls on Morrie and Emily Dickenson, to make Tuesdays with singing feathers-a fitting testament to September. Philosophers and dentists are weirdly combined and inextricably merged as the nebulosae roll over.