Seeking closure more than a year later.  I don't know how well this will go.  Or if I will ever actually send the letters that I keep writing and rewriting, if I will ever say the words that are inside of me.  How far should I go?  How honest should I be?  Do you say the things that you know will not be well received even though they are important and hard and should be said by someone sometime?  Do you? And how do you do it?  How do you communicate in a way that will be understood correctly when there is such a history of misunderstanding and miscommunication?  How?  But write I must, and send I should.  (I think.)  It's time.  (I think.  I hope.)

Found

The feels.  All of them.  Good and bad and happy and sad and so full of everything.  I want to sing and cry and sit quietly in a park and stare at the stars with everyone that I’ve ever loved.  I want to dance in the street in the middle of a sudden summer storm, and I want to write poetry and stories about everything in the world, and many things that aren’t in the world.  I want to sit with my best friends in a pile of love and laughter and just be together.  I want to cry and rage and emote, pace up and down and rant to my second self about the things that upset me and then go throw things in the Arb.  I want to ride my bike down the steep, curvy roads in my hometown late at night, feel the wind rush past my chilled arms and face and just feel so alive.  I haven’t felt this alive in months.  I think I finally found myself again.

Thoughts from last night

Was I loving today?
Did I bless others?
Where is my heart?
What is the price for being in control?
Fear and fragility
Where is the path to freedom?
In giving up control
I've missed you.
I'm not in control.
And I have found freedom instead.

Tired is not sleepy.
Should does not equal can.
But I can create.
I am a words-smith, and fashion places for emotions to exist.
Will you come and sit with me?
Will you share my space?
Exist and feel my emotions?
Will you?

Things follow others.
Nothing new.
Nothing here, nor there.
All old.  All recycled.  All moments on a string
Like a necklace of pearl beads.
One, two, three, four...
My love
My pride.
Which is closer to my heart?
Indecision, waffling, confusion.
I choose my heart.
I choose your heart.
I love you.

It's been a day

So tired.  So very, very tired.  But not sleepy.  Tired, but not sleepy.  I'm watching Lost in Translation, again.  And enjoying it, again.  This is probably the fourth or fifth time I've watched it.  It is a good movie.  And perfect for the mood that I'm in right now.

I love you all.

Brave

I heard a word today,

which resonated deep inside my soul.

I opened my defenses,

let the echos resound deep and low.

You are brave,

they said.

You are Brave.

I let the syllables fall

deep, deep, deep

into my stomach,

past the shame

and the fear

and the little scurrying creatures that whisper lies when I can't sleep at night,

until it fell into the stinking cesspit where my deepest hurts lie.

It sunk, glowing with a soft radiance,

into the black muck and grime,

purifying and changing the fear into hope as it sunk ever deeper.

You are Brave.

You

Are

Brave