I just watched the Doctor Who Christmas special and now I feel a lot better :)

On Family and the Holidays (and other ramblings)

It is two days after Christmas now.  And I am very, very glad to be back home.  It's not that I don't love my extended family.  It's just that the greatest benediction I could ever give is this: "May you never be as stubborn as my grandfather."  He is stubbornly clinging to the idea that he is the same as he's always been, that he can do everything he always could do, and that he's always right, even in the face of incontestable evidence. Thank God for my grandmother, who can handle him some of the time, and for one of my aunts, who handles him the rest of the time.  Because he is old, and frail, and unsteady on his feet.  His hands shake, and he is not capable of doing everything he wants to do.  And while I understand his fierce struggle for independence and control (I do understand. I do), the fact is that my grandfather is not an easy person to be around when he's trying to do something he can't, or when he is wrong and you are right beyond a shadow of a doubt, but he won't see that.  I love him, but I prefer to do it from a distance.  Especially when being around family just sucks up all of my people-energy.  But all in all it was a good Christmas.  I received a Doctor Who tee-shirt from my cousin and her fiance, who are also Whovians, and who I enjoy talking to.  I didn't get many other presents because we still have another one or two Christmases to go, and those ones are the ones where I typically get a larger percentage of my Christmas gifts.

We were at my grandparents for the last day and a half, and I spent most of the time reading.  And I don't know.  I really want to just hang out with my friends now.  For the next week until I have to go back to school.  I hate that break is so short.  I should have come back to Kalamazoo on Sunday night so I could have spent more time with people that I really wanted to spend time with instead of using up time reading for hours and hours until I could come home again and do what I really wanted to do.  And now I feel really disconnected from everyone, despite being in the same city.  I just don't know.  It's really complicated to try and figure out what I really want, what I really think, and I'm inside of me.  What about other people?  How can I ever really know other people?  I guess I just have to trust that the person that they show me is really person that they are inside.

“Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more of less if they could see inside of you?...If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone, love me?” 

Sometimes I believe that what this quote is saying is true, and sometimes I don't.  Because I see inside of myself and see bad things, but also good things.  And other people have shown me things from deep inside of them.  I have held my friends as they have cried-wept-for the shame and sadness of the things inside of them.  And I have not hated them for it.  I have loved them more fully.  I have rejoiced when my friends have shown weakness, and loved them all the more for their vulnerability, for letting me see inside of them a little more.  Regardless of whether I believe in the truth of it or not (apparently I currently do not believe in its veracity), it is a quote that I enjoy.  I enjoy the language of it, the slight wistfulness and sadness that it communicates.  And for some reason it popped into my head tonight.  Quotes keep doing that.  I suppose it's what happens when you start collecting them.

I don't really know my own mind tonight, but I do know that I do not want to go to sleep.  Something in me rebels against it.  I want my friends, I want to talk and cuddle and just be with those I love who are not my family.  And maybe I'm just feeling a little lonely and sad and alone tonight.  I suppose I have been for several days.  And this isn't how Christmas is supposed to be.  It's supposed to be lights and cheer and love and Jesus and family and friends and warmth.  And instead it's been exhaustion and expending effort and loneliness and waiting and hours and hours of reading.  Which is basically what the previous two or three weeks were.

And now I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I wish you were here to hold me until all my sad feelings go away.

Almost Christmas

And it's going to be a good one.  The thing about this year, though, is that we're having several Christmases spread out over two weeks.  So even though tomorrow is Christmas, it's not as concentrated as in years past, if that makes sense.  But I get to go to church and see my friends and give them presents so I'm excited about that :)

Things I like

One:
John Zainea and the Mania


Two:
Being home

Three:
Vihart


Four:
Christmas shopping with my father

Five:
You :)

Words cannot express just how lovely it is to be back home.

My soul is beginning to remember what rest feels like.

I don't feel like I might be going a little insane here, like I do at school.

It's just so, so lovely and nice to be home.

Yesterday was potentially the best birthday ever.

Yeah... It was pretty awesome for a number of reasons, including the fact that we had a little Birthday party in our room.  We sat in the blanket fort, colored in coloring books, ate cheesecake, gummi worms, and a giant cookie cake and then watched Anastasia.  It was pretty great.  And some other fantastic stuff happened.  I would elaborate on that, but I almost don't know how to say it in a way that would fully convey why it made me so so happy.  Not even happy-joyful.  Let's just say that a couple somethings that I've been wanting (and thinking were never ever going to happen) for a long, long time happened.

It's My Birthday! Yay!

I'm no longer a teenager.  Yay?  That's really weird.  But okay.  I'm okay with not being a teenager anymore.  I'm okay with this.  I'm going to go to sleep, and then when I wake up I will eat breakfast, study a little bit for my exam, and then take it.  And then it will be over.  And I will be happy.  Very very happy :)

So this just happened

Alyssa and Ria are behaving like five year olds.
Me: *long-suffering sigh*
Alyssa, giggling: "Hannah went to college and had two children"
Ria: "And they behaved very well..."

Studying is apparently not high on my list of priorities

I spent a large chunk of time today on Project for Awesome, as well as working on a mix CD.  Also knitting.  Because that's my new thing.  Also, you should watch this.  Because it is absolutely amazing, and  they are fun to watch.

T-minus three days

The next three days are going to be a battle between my curiosity and my self-control.  I already know that my self-control has won, but my curiosity doesn't know yet.  So Aaron, I guess that you succeeded in your goal of giving me something to look forward to on Monday :)

Studying for Orgo = watching movies, knitting, having tea, taking naps, going to the library.  Oh, and looking over my notes a little bit in between all of that.  My priorities are obviously in the correct order.

"If you don't say the honest thing, it never becomes true."

A side effect to gathering favorite quotes for my quote book is that they're all in my head readily accessible, and therefore my brain likes to apply them to whatever I'm thinking about.

So I'm finally looking at my orgo exams

And the problem on the past exam that I had no clue what I was doing, and figured that I would get no points on, I got full credit.  That problem was worth more than 10% on the exam.  What?  I mean, I'm okay with it, I just don't really know how I did it.  Anyway, it's time to study Organic chem and listen to Five Iron Frenzy.  I never voluntarily listened to them growing up, but my brothers did, and so this music is familiar.  I know these songs, even though I haven't heard them in many, many years.  And they're back together!  And making new music.  Cool cool.  Study time!


Also, I have decided to redesign how my blog looks.  Do you like it?  I do.

I don't even know how I am right now.

My stomach is a little upset, but that might be from eating too much fondue at the fondue restaurant this evening.  Our waiter was totally flirting with all four of us, and it was entertaining.  I haven't really started studying for my exams, and it hasn't sunk in that my fall classes are all over except for my exams.  I am a bit preoccupied with other things - other things on my mind right now - and I basically just want to be done and in Kalamazoo right now.  But I've got another week before that happens.  Oh well.  Everything is going to be fine.

I am tired

I took an hour and a half nap today.  And I'm still tired.  I have things that I want to do before I go to sleep, though, so I might not go to sleep for an hour or so.  I don't know.  I just read a delightful little book, which was exactly what I needed and wanted this evening.  I started knitting another scarf, having finished my first one.  And I did basically no schoolwork.  I'll regret this decision sometime in the future, but for now, I'm perfectly okay with it.

I can't wait to come home.

Psalm 37:3-8

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.

I found these verses this morning, and they're basically what God has been teaching me (head-knowledge to heart-knowledge and practice) for the past month and a half.

"I've just decided that I'm a translator!"

Reflection on the concept of Translation

Word to word

phrase to phrase

voice to voice

Meaning stays constant

words change

new sounds

to convey

the same ideas.

This is translation.

And yet.

And yet-

there is more.

Translation from

technical-speak

(gibberish to those of us not in the know)

to lay words.

And the translation of ideas to speech as well.

The words of others

that hold greater meaning

than the words themselves imply-

I am a translator,

despite being monolingual.

I am a translator.

I translate the looks

and smiles

and tones

of others

into their meaning.

I translate conversations

and looks

and events

into stories,

disregarding the things that don't fit,

so my life can make some sort of sense.

The way the ancients

looked up at the vastness of the stars

and created pictures out of the chaos.

A translation of stars into stories.

I'm transcribing things today

Preparing them for inclusion into my book of favorite quotes/lyrics/poems/passages/text-based media, etc.  It's kind of fun.  A bit time consuming, but fun.  I've spent many hours over the past three years working on this project, on and off.  I'm pretty pleased with the product so far, a book of my favorite words and phrases.  I've filled up 35% of it, and have quite a number of things ready to write in it.  Anyway, I transcribed the entirety of the lyrics to George Watsky's spoken word poem "Go Big, Young Friends" and thought that I would post them.  Enjoy!  *note: profanity


Go Big, Young Friends by George Watsky

Being fifteen is terrifying

So is stage diving

Especially when your peers' biceps look like deflated bicycle tires.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I took AmTrak two hours to UC Davis with Victoria to see TLR sensations Sum 41 live in concert.

Because I thought she might kiss me at the end of the night if I did.

There was an efficient system in place.

The kids - we waited in a single file line as a security guard guided us up the stairs and onto a designated like free speech zone corner of the stage from which we were allowed to bellyflop carefully into the audience and crowd surf for about two yards before being dropped off safely, a newly minted teenage badass.

Let me tell you, there were pooka shells, cargo shorts, and knee high tube socks everytwhere.

It was pure pop punk rock chaos.

Controlled, well-sanctioned, all ages chaos!

Victoria took a break from head-banging to fat lip to look me up and down to see what I was made off.

Because it was my turn to jump next.

There was a moshpit in my chest.

I knew those kids would drop me

Those squirrelly little runts?

They'd freaking drop me!

And crack my scapula, I'd sprain my ass, or skin my knee

A stiff wind would drop those kids, and they'd drop me!

I am sorry to say I didn't jump.

I took the walk of shame, away

And not that sweet walk that I'm told that old kids take the morning after they get laid,

but the lame walk that craven cowards take while braver freshman, even braver seventh graders rage.

Eight years ago, I stood on Finals stage for the first time and I took a deep confident pause

because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt

that I was about to vomit in front of two thousand people

and then I didn't

And I finished my poem and everyone clapped and I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

I have no idea how rent is going to handle itself six months from now.

But that’s for rent to worry about! 

The future is a hunk of clay.

I see the shape that mine should take and chip away a little every day.

I don’t want to cut away the part of me that gets afraid.
I don’t want to numb myself.
I’m not fearless.

But, goddammit, I’m wearing brand new socks right now,
And I feel like I’m walking on a cloud bank on the top of Mount Olympus
With two katanas strapped behind my back,
Eye of the Tiger,
Heart of the Turtle,
Ice water in my veins,
A bag of bones breaking,
Owning the area,
Conan the Barbarian,
Rearing to give it up and bellow to the gods: I don’t give a fuck!

And by that I mean I give so much of a fuck,
That the fuck I give consumes me,
Like a huge, man-eating wildebeest of a fuck,
Or a school of thousands of tiny piranha fucks.

I care so annoyingly much.

But getting the jitters means you give a shit.

Scared, is just “cared” with a lisp.

This stage - this stage is every girl I never kissed

and I refuse to die tight lipped.

So please, leave every mic ripped in my crypt

I love the lump in my gullet, the knot in my stomach the minute I take flight

I need the stress

and if I plummet from the summit

I died in easy death

this world is a foxy hottie,

a hotchy matchy MDTF

and yes, we'll be tested, again and again

But riding your adrenalin to your impossible dream

and if your heart beats right out of your chest let it swim upstream

Become the one you long to be

anyone who's every felt a breeze believes in what they cannot see

Me, as I know it, was born on this stage

which makes you my momma bird

you could never hurt me

and when you open up your throats and beaks

you feed me, no you baby bird me

But what I wanna know, is if I were to do something I've never done before, 

something stupid

A most unwise of things

and leap into my destiny

like the majestic albatross

would you be the wind beneath my wings?

I won't say please

HEY! Did someone just say swag? NO! that was just the breeze.

So my computer has decided to be a little crazy today, and I'm not super happy with it right now.  I don't know what the problem is, but it's really obnoxious.  And I hope that it's not a virus or a bug or something. Cause that would really, really suck.  Anyway, I think I might go to sleep early tonight, because I'm kind of tired and need sleep.  Or I could study.  I don't know.  I don't want to study.  I don't know what I would rather be doing.  And I don't exactly want to go to sleep early either.  I just don't know.

***

Look what I made!

It no longer exists, cause I broke it up into it's composite parts once the presentation for my class was over.  But it was cool while it lasted!  I'll see if I can post a link to the recorded presentation if any of you want to see it.  Bah, too complicated.  Oh well.

Tired.  So tired.  But everything is going to be okay in the end.  Also, two of the guys on my hall are such boys.  They are such boys.  *shakes head and laughs*  Bedtime for Hannah!

This is how I feel this morning

It's been a long, long day (In which I talk about my day, missing people, and bird shit)

And I am very glad that it's over.  But tomorrow is going to be yet another long day, and on and on, until Winter break.  I hope today is the longest, though.  I couldn't handle more days like this one.  Too much in one day.  Way too much.  And no time to think about it and catch my breath.  Ah well.

I really miss all of you in Kalamazoo right now.  It almost feels like my life here in Ann Arbor isn't real, like it's a weird dream or something, and there is no one I can truly rely on here.  That isn't true, of course, but it sometimes seems like it.  Or maybe it's like there is no one here that truly knows me, really, deeply.  I don't know.  All I know is that I miss Emily and Kiersten and Gwen and Abby and Aaron and my Dad and my Mom and everyone back home.  And my brothers.  I miss everyone, and I just want to relax and be refreshed.  I just want all of this to be over.  There is too much on my plate right now and I'm going insane.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be crazy.  Would you know that you are crazy?  I don't know.  I think it might almost be a relief sometimes.  These are the same times when I wish I were a cat sleeping in the sun, or a dog barking as squirrels.  Side note about squirrels:  the Ann Arbor squirrels aren't the scariest/most annoying animals on campus (not that I think that they are scary or annoying).  No.  It's the crows.  There are hundreds of them, maybe even a thousand.  And they roost in the trees at night, and the quantity of bird shit (I would say crap, but the quantity and quality of it quantifies it as shit) that ends up on the sidewalk is astronomical.  If you walk by one of their trees at night you will here the splatting of it on the pavement.  It is so disgusting and I hate the crows so much.

I could keep rambling on and on about everything, but I am literally exhausted, and so am going to go to bed now.  Goodnight.  I love you all.

God is good

All the time.

***

So recently (I mean in the past three, four weeks), God has been moving in my life.  It hasn't been flashy, or happening in brief intense moments.  No, it's been a slow, gradual, deep current in my life, and all the more powerful for it.  A man's heart is deep waters and all that.  What God has been teaching me, and doing in my life, has been about trust.  Trusting him for my value and worth.  Trusting him that his plan for my life is going to be better than anything that I might pick for myself.  Trusting him that he knows best, and that he can give me strength and courage when I am too afraid to move on my own.  And I've been trusting him with all those things that I've constantly given lip-service to giving to him, but never actually done in my heart.  School is important, but in the end, it's God who has given me my mind and my talent for learning things, and I can trust that if I focus on him, my schoolwork will not suffer irreparably, and if it does, then God will open up another door.  Also, my friendships.  It's God's place to give love and value and worth to my friends, not mine.  That doesn't mean that I can't be used as an agent, that God doesn't show others his love through me, but it does mean that I don't need to convince them that I love them and they have worth.  And all of this makes me feel so free.  I know, so deeply, that God is there.  He's right here next to me, waiting to catch me when I stumble, holding out his hand to lead me so I won't stumble.  And I trust him.  So I am free to skip in public if I am filled with joy, or climb a tree even though I am almost no longer a teenager.  I am free to sing loudly, even if my voice is not the best, and I am free to risk, because I know that even if I fail, I will never fall.

I find I have no energy this evening.  I just want to sit here, and do nothing that requires a lot of effort.  Unfortunately, I have to finish this assignment the next two hours.  And I'm not all that pleased with how it's going thus far.  But that doesn't matter all that much in the end.  As long as it's done, it'll be fine, as it's a rough draft.  But I have quite a bit of other work I need to get done in the next three days.  Oh well.

Reading this over it sounds like I'm in a bad mood.  I'm not.  I'm in a tired, happy mood right now, which is better than how I was all day.  It's just not conducive to getting work done.

On the holiday spirit

I feel as if, if I had believed in him, someone had told me that Santa wasn't real.  The first blow was when we were told that we couldn't hang our wreath on our door because it stuck out too far.  I understood that.  It was dorm policy, and they seemed to be sorry that we had to take it off of our door.  Still, it made me sad.  And just now, I discovered that someone had torn the garland off of our doorframe and stolen it.  I understand having no Christmas spirit, but destroying someone else's?  That's just plain mean.  Also, destroying someone else's property?  That's not very cool, not cool at all.  Well, people or person who took the garland, I hope you're pleased with yourself, because you are a jerk.  I'm going to go to sleep before my sadness turns into anger that will not accomplish anything.

Hello!

It is the last day of NaBloPoMo, and the only one I've actually come close to missing.  That's not true.  I posted at least one after midnight.  But anyway.  I don't have much to say right now.  The week is going by fast, and I have a lot of things I should do before next Tuesday.  So that's all fantastic and greatness.  But whatevs.  I'll get everything done that I need to get done, and things will be fine.  So I'm either going to go do homework or go to sleep now.  Yeah.

The real first snow of the season

I have so many words inside of me, struggling to get out, but I am unsure of how to let them.  Sometimes I am filled with the urge to record everything, every thought and word and feeling.  Other times, I feel that life is better lived than written down, that to record what is happening diminishes it.  I guess I just want to talk to someone, anyone, tell them all about everything that is in my head right now.  But I am tired and alone in my room, and so will probably just go to sleep soon.

See you in a few minutes, ol' buddy.

First Day back

And it's been a good day.  Things felt purposeful, in a weird but good way.  Alyssa and I continued on our quest to turn our room into a winter wonderland/homage to the holiday season (I will probs show you pictures sometime soon.  But we all know how often I keep promises like that).  Suffice to say, it is amazing, and everyone on our hall is duly impressed.  I also did some studying that I really needed to do, so yay for that :)

I've only been back in Ann Arbor for five and a half hours, and I already miss Kalamazoo.  I miss my bed and my room.  I miss my dad and my doggy.  I miss all of my friends.  Sometimes I really wish I didn't go to school so far away.

Sleepover times with Emily, Gwen, and Kiersten

We have:
flipped out over movie soundtracks
almost burned something on the stove
laughed our heads off
taken an hour to eat food
and are now trading music.
Good times.

These are some of my favorite people in the whole world :)

On another note,

I feel like it's become a thing with me to be all lalalalala fun things, it's not all that late, I'm not tired, lalalala-I'm exhausted-zzzzzzzz.

On coffee shops and christmas lights

Today I saw three people I knew at Fourth Coast.  Well, four really.  But one of them I only knew by sight and couldn't remember her name.  Oh, I just remembered who she is.  So four.  One of them was the barista, who I went to Norrix with and I'm pretty sure he had no remembrance/recognition of me.  So that was interesting.  Last time I had seen him, a few years ago, he was a skinny skater boy.  But he grew up, as we all have, and isn't as skinny as he was, and looked a bit different, but I still recognized him.  I ran into my friend Mack who was having coffee with the girl who I had forgotten and then remembered.  And then a kid I went to school with freshman year came in, and he recognized me, but I pretended that I hadn't seen/recognized him because I didn't feel like having an awkward conversation with him.  So that was fun. And then for the tree lighting ceremony, the trees were already lit up, due to gremlins or some other such nonsense.  But I had fun, as did the Omans.  Oh what an interesting day.

Oh right. Ze blogging

Umm, well, I guess today is a day for saying Thanks and stuff.  I suppose I could tell you all of the things that I'm thankful for. But that could take a while, and I'm actually pretty exhausted right now.  Like I'm going to go to sleep way earlier than I have in weeks.  But anyway, thanks for reading my blog.  It really means a lot to me that people check out what I have to say.  And you're all amazing :)  Goodnight.  Maybe I'll write a more Thanksgivingy post tomorrow.  idk

Today I

Ran errands
Did homework
Read books
Knitted
Watched Doctor Who
and
Worked on my Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome list, 2012 edition.

All in all, it has been a good day.


Also, did you know that Octopuses are awesome?

Home!

Lalalalalalalala
Home is the best.

Damn you Youtube and your ability to make me spend money and time!  Oh well.  I guess I'm okay with the amusement and joy I get from the things I spend money and time on.

I just spent $40 on a limited edition audiobook for a book that hasn't come out yet.  But it's limited edition!  And it comes with cool stuff!  Yeah...

Only four and a half hours of class stand between me and Thanksgiving Break

I'm trying to write a paper.  But it's not working out very well.  :(  Maybe I should just give it up for a while  until it gets dark.  Cause I always work better when it's dark outside.  Yeah.

Today is a day to savor words

To feel the roundness in the word round,
and the sharp exoticness of the word exotic
and the heights in the word exquisite.

Sometimes, missing you almost physically hurts.

Good days need no explanation.

A Reflective Sestina

This is a poem that I wrote for one of my classes.  It's a sestina, and I'm posting it here because Alyssa wanted to read it :)  It has no title yet, and this is just the rough draft.  So it may be a little different in a week.  But yeah.

They say the way to creativity

is through questions

and the quick play

of the mind - innovation

in search of truth -

as the Buddha

did, and was.  He, the Buddha,

was vastly creative

but claimed an universal and cyclical truth

in order to push away the questions

of the religious types who reacted negatively to innovation

and "play".

This play-

fullness and the desire for the new that Buddha

had is in other innovators

in their creative

pursuits, as they question

this world in search of the truth.

But what is this truth

that comes through play?

Or in the question

of the Buddha?

Or in the creativity

of the innovator?

The innovator

uses the truth

he knows to create,

build upon the work of others and to play

with it - the truth, I mean - like Buddha

as he questioned

his life.  But what is the question

of the innovator,

of Buddha?

Perhaps, what is true and what is truth?

This is what a playful

person is seeking in the act of creation.

Buddha knew it when he was questioned

by those who opposed his creativity and innovation,

those who would see the truth divorced from play.

Another poem from class

This one doesn't have a title yet.  Cause I just wrote it thirty minutes ago.  But it's a sestina, cause I enjoy writing those.  Anyway, here you go.

They say the way to creativity

is through questions

and the quick play

of the mind - innovation

in search of truth -

as the Buddha

did, and was.  He, the Buddha,

was vastly creative

but claimed an universal and cyclical truth

in order to push away the questions

of the religious types who reacted negatively to innovation

and "play".

This play-

fullness and the desire for the new that Buddha

had is in other innovators

in their creative

pursuits, as they question

this world in search of the truth.

But what is this truth

that comes through play?

Or in the question

of the Buddha?

Or in the creativity

of the innovator?

The innovator

uses the truth

he knows to create,

build upon the work of others and to play

with it - the truth, I mean - like Buddha

as he questioned

his life.  But what is the question

of the innovator,

of Buddha?

Perhaps, what is true and what is truth?

This is what a playful

person is seeking in the act of creation.

Buddha knew it when he was questioned

by those who opposed his creativity and innovation,

those who would see the truth divorced from play.

The sixteenth

I spent a lovely afternoon with my mom today.  It was really, really nice.  I'm currently half in a food coma.  I would like to be asleep, but I have class in twenty five minutes, so I can't sleep.  Oh well.  After class.  Also I need to study for my test tomorrow.  Yeah.

I think I'm getting sick :(

Today's post comes to you courtesy of Youtube

Apparently today is Hannah finds fun things on youtube day.  So I'm going to tell you about all of the fun videos I watched today.

Firstly, is Cullen.  Emily and I have internet crushes on him because he's funny and crazy and just fantastic.  He just made a song.  About Hedwig.  So go watch it :)

Secondly, is Marcel the Shell.  I can't describe Marcel the shell, it's something that just has to be experienced.  A brand new video just came out yesterday, and I discovered it today.  So you should go watch it.  If you haven't seen the first one, go watch it as well.

And then is the one that I'm a little embarrassed about.  Not that I like it, but that it's been in my sub box for a week or so and I didn't watch it, then saw something about it on Yahoo, because it went viral.  So then I went through my sub box and found it and it was amazing.  This musician, Kina Grannis, made a music video with jelly beans for the background.  And it's pretty incredible.

It is late.  And I am tired.  And there are all of these thoughts that are percolating in my head right now.  About school and God and stories and you and everyone I've ever known.  I've been thinking about forgiveness, and love, and how to love someone even when you don't want to forgive them.  And about loving someone and missing them like crazy.  About wishes, and reality, and how I wish things could be and how they are.  I've been thinking about the future, and my major, and next summer, and how I have options, but lack a definite idea of what options I will take.

And I guess all of this boiled down means that I love you a lot.  And I miss you a lot.

I'm glad I'm coming home in week or so.

Such Shenanigans

So much shenanigans occurring.  At one point I was rolling around the floor howling with laughter.  Literally howling.  Ria and Alyssa and Doctor Who and 500 miles.  Oh my word.

I understand.  Words fail to communicate just how deeply I understand.  I am pretty busy over here, in college, with all of my work and my projects and everything.  And even though we don't communicate as often as I would wish, I still love you a whole lot.  When you're doing poorly, my happiness has a tinge of sadness.  When you're happy, my spirits are lighter.  And I miss you too. Some days I am so busy that I don't have time for myself and I don't have time to miss you.  But today, I missed you so much.  I wished I was in Kalamazoo with you.  And I didn't even really want to talk.  I just wanted to hang out with you, spend time together, to just exist in the same general space.

A night of song

I just got back from the Michigan Men's Glee Club concert.  And it was super great.  They're so good.  I always forget that I'm surrounded by so much culture and arts here at college, all of this stuff that I have access to for cheep.  This is an opportunity that I won't really have again.  So I might as well make the most of it.

I wish....

Make a wish

I always have trouble wishing.  On dandelions, eyelashes, birthday candles, and 11:11.  I think my problem is that I feel like wishes are almost frivolous or for "luxury items."  If there is something that I really want, I'll pray about it with God with the understanding that the thing I want may actually be something poorer than the thing he wants/plans to give me.  And so when I get a wish from a shooting star, I don't know what to wish for.  I did make a wish this morning at 11:11 on 11/11/11, but I'll never tell what it was, because that negates it.  But it took a lot of thought to decide on the proper wish for such a momentous occasion.  And I get another chance in five hours.  Yay!

Singing my snow song

It goes like this:
Snow Snow Snow
Snow Snow Snow
Snow Snow Snow
Snow Snow Snow
Snow
Snow
Snow


I also just read the plot summary of the last Eragon book on Wikipedia.  And I have to say that I'm not completely impressed.  I mean, I wasn't already, as I have only read the first two books and then stopped caring that much, but still.  Really Paolini, Really?  Anyway, that's not important.  What's important is that it's
                     S                O                      I                     G
                             N                    W                   N                     !

What a Windsday

I just finished reading The Phantom Tollbooth.  It was quite entertaining, and I'm glad that it was on my Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome, because I probably would never have read it otherwise.  In other news, today was very cold, and windy, and the beginning was very wet.  I was not very happy about that, not at all.  I almost can't tell if today was a good or a bad day.  It just kind of was.  I think I'm okay with this.  I'm also tired, and ready to go to sleep.  So I'm going to go do that.

I don't really know what I want to tell you guys today.  It's been an interesting day.  And I haven't gotten very much done at all, even though I really should have.  And now I'm feeling a little lonely, and like I need to talk to someone, anyone, and I could go study with my friends, but for some reason I don't want to go do that.  It's just one of those days.  And now dark comes so much earlier.  And my room becomes so much more claustrophobic.




EXCEPT THAT I JUST CHECKED YOUTUBE, AND A NEW DEATHSPANK CAME UP!  MY DAY HAS JUST TURNED AROUND!  MKAYBAI

I feel like shit right now.  And I mean that quite literally.  Why can't I just crawl into a hole and rock back and forth in the fetal position for several days?


When I have kids, they better be pretty damn remarkable to justify all the suffering I've gone through and will continue to go through for many years of my life.

Efficiency is not the path to creativity.

Efficiency is not the path to creativity.

Wandering, exploring,

The intersection of opportunities,

The intersection of narrative

and abstraction

is creation.

Efficiency is not the path to creativity.

The seduction of ideas

The tempting of ill-advisement

Play off of your weakness and

Explore what you can't do well.

You will fail

and learn

and create.

Thomas Edison tried many filaments for the light bulb

before settling on carbonized bamboo as the best.

He worked with others,

collaborated

and created

in community.

The blind man says

"I do not need to see"

refusing to let others

help him create

useful things

in their collaboration.

He is worse than a fool,

only interested in

efficiency,

when any fool knows that

efficiency is not the path to creativity.

Today was relaxing

I didn't do much today.  Just took quiet day, rested, recharged for the rest of the week.  I didn't do much homework, but I'm okay with that.  I need to finish my reflection for my Creativity class, and then I'm basically ready for tomorrow.  Oh yeah, and I need to work on my NaNoWriMo novel for the day.  I should do that.

I can't sleep

I miss you a whole lot right now.  And I just want to talk to you, but it's late, and even though you are still online, you probably should be asleep.  As should I.  But I'm thinking that I am actually a bit of an insomniac.  Because I freaking can't sleep, and have been having trouble sleeping for a couple weeks.

I feel blagh

Is it pretty bad that I can't tell if I'm getting sick, or just have allergies, or just need more sleep?  Or maybe our room needs a humidifier.  Or maybe I just feel crappy today.  I can't tell what the problem is.

SUCH AN EPIC EVENING!

More on NaNoWriMo and Beauty's Story

I'm really enjoying writing my Beauty and the Beast retelling.  It's nice retelling a story, because I have all of these major plot points already mapped out for me, and I just have make sure to get all of them.  At the same time, I am free to add little twists, new pieces to the plot, new characters, even new settings.  The danger, of course, is that I will borrow too much from someone else's work.  And I am on my guard against that, because I have read a lot of retellings of this particular fairy tale.  But the addition of new characters, of an aunt, and a much younger sister, is changing the fabric of the story.  It's like I can see the story all mapped out, the normal progression of events and this person does this at this time and this person does this at that time, and by adding new characters, all of it changes subtly.  I can do new things, and things that I have seen other authors do are not possible for me anymore.  The original map is a little obscured, because I honestly don't know what the final affect of adding a little sister is going to be, but I know it is going to be different.  And I'm excited to see the final product.

My relationship with Newspapers

I occasionally grab a copy of the Michigan Daily (UM's daily newspaper) when I'm walking through the lobby of my dorm.  I'll leaf through it, read a couple articles, then throw it on a shelf where they accumulate until my roommate decides to make paper mache and needs newspaper.  Today I grabbed a copy as I headed into the dining hall, and sat and read it as I ate lunch.  There was an article about the city tearing down some houses in a neighborhood I really like, and a short piece on Bollywood cinema.  There was an opinion article on the racism and sexism of Halloween, and one about woman and population growth and the 7 billion mark we've recently passed.  And I sat in the dining hall, absently eating my soup and sandwich, reading these articles, and I started thinking about newspapers and my life.

My oldest brother was a paper boy for many years, rushing home from school every weekday to bag up the papers and jump on his bike.  He would rise early on Saturdays and Sundays to go about his route, and in the winter, everything was miserable and the ice and snow caused bicycle crashes.  So we always had newspapers around, and I would sometimes help bag all of the papers, counting them to make sure we had the correct amount.  In their plastic bags to protect from rain, they would slide against each other in the large canvas bag, especially as you got down to the last ten houses or so.  If you used one canvas bag you had to balance on your bike carefully, and if you used two, you had to take papers out evenly.  The shoulder straps would dig into your shoulders, and if it was early on a Saturday morning in the winter, you just plain miserable.  So that was newspaper delivery

But I got into the habit of reading the paper from when I was ten or so.  At first it was just the comics, and maybe an interesting article or two.  But eventually I would read most of the paper, excluding the sports section.  Sometimes not all at the same time; I would go through and read everything that interested me first, and then when I was sitting on the couch, bored later, I would pick it up and read the articles that weren't so interesting.  The paper was always on the couch, and so occasionally I would read it as I talked on the phone with others (especially Gwen.  There would be times when I read the paper and she watched TV and we wouldn't say anything for several moments, before remembering we were on the phone with each other.)

Sundays before church I would rifle through the paper, scattering the ads all over the living room floor in the process, searching for the comics and the Parade section.  I would read the comics as I got ready for church, and then after church in the golden silence of Sunday afternoon naps, I would open the Parade and read celebrity interviews, cooking recipes, a few comics, ask Marilyn, and inevitably, an inspirational piece.  For some reason, I almost always found myself wanting to cry as I read those pieces.  And occasionally, other times when I was reading other parts of the paper, I would almost start to tear up.  It must be a strange thing about print media.

And so today I found myself, at 12:10 in the dining hall of my dorm, reading the paper and wanting to cry.

Beauty's Story

Go check out my NaNoWriMo work in progress!

IT'S NOVEMBER!!!

And you know what that means? NaNoWriMo! and NaBloPoMo! and No-Shave November!  Wait, what?  Haha, I'm not participating in No-Shave November (though my RA is having a contest for sweetest facial, leg hair, etc at the end of the month), but I am going to try to blog every day in November.  AND I am going to try to participate in NaNoWriMo as well!  Crazy, huh?  I only decided today, and I've written 804 words already.  I'm writing a retelling of Beauty and the Beast, and it's set in a kind of Howl's Moving Castle/Hayao Miyazaki kind of world, you know, technology and magic together.  I'm kind of excited about it.  I haven't tried to write a story in three or four years, so it'll be interesting to see how much my writing has matured now that I'm older.  I don't know if my Beauty and the Beast story has 50,000 words in it, but if it doesn't, I might revisit my Cinderella retelling.




Also, I have an orgo exam in an hour and a half.  But that is unimportant.

Secret Project

I have a secret I'm working on, and I haven't told anyone about it yet, and I'm still not ready to tell people, but I just wanted to tell someone that I have a secret project.  And I'm excited about it.  Because if I didn't tell someone that I have a secret, I'd have to tell someone what it is, and I don't want to do that yet.  Because I'm excited about it, and when I get excited, I like to talk about whatever is making me happy.

Organic Chemistry Stress and related things.

I'm tired. And feel rather blah, and I just don't know.  One of my friends has recently been rubbing me the wrong way, and I was in their presence for a little while today, and that wasn't helpful, and I think I didn't buy a textbook thing I needed for my Orgo Class.  Because I thought that the Study Guide and the Coursepack were the same?  I guess.  Also, because the bookstore was supremely confusing about what books I needed for what class, and what those books actually looked like.  So that's comforting, that I've made it halfway through the semester without a book I'm required to own.  And I feel rather ready for the exam, but everyone else has done so much more preparation than I have, and they're still freaking out about it a bit.  So that is starting to scare me a little bit as well.  And I was in a good mood, a great mood right up until I decided to study with people.  So that was a stupid decision, in retrospect.  I'm going to go listen to my music really loud and work on a puzzle.

I just took a nap.  That's a false statement.  I just lay in my bed for an hour, drifting in and out of sleep as the light faded from the room.  It was actually rather relaxing.  And now it's well and truly dark outside, and the library we can see from our window has every window lit up, as students sit inside and study.  And now, it is time for me to join them.  Not spatially, but mentally.  Homework time.

What is this thing you call sleep?

I'm exhausted, but I don't want to sleep, and I don't know why.  Today was a pretty fantabulous day, but there was also a tiny current of unease flowing through it. I'm not sure why.  Maybe because two of our friends have spent many hours in our dorm room the past few days, and one of them does not make me feel at all restful.  Maybe because I should have done more homework, or because I haven't gotten enough sleep in days, or maybe it's some other thing, like it's been two weeks since I've been home and I miss people and parents and you.  I don't know.  Or maybe I should knit for a little bit before I go to sleep, calm down a bit.  Actually, I think I know why I've been a little uneasy all day.  My room is messy.  Or rather, my side of the room is messy (and Alyssa's side as well, but I can't clean her side) and I just want to clean it.



On a different note, we now have a giant bag of candy in our room because we made pinatas and then no one wanted the candy inside them.  Oh Darn.  Now we have to take home all of this candy.

Late night knitting music listening blogging crafting shirt fitting book reading hallway bonding sort of night.  Sometimes, I like to go against my ordinary predilection and not use any commas at all.


It's been a good night.

Craft related items

So I went into Jo-Anns last night.  And came out with knitting needles, crochet hooks, mod podge, craft glue, regular glue.  I almost bought some yarn, but I didn't, and now I regret that decision.  Oh well.  The point of the story is that I'M LEARNING HOW TO KNIT!!!!!!!!!  And I'm super excited/ happy about this.  I've been wanting to learn for several months now, and now I'm actually doing it.  It's rather nice, calming in the same way that puzzles are.  Okay, I'm going to go back to knitting now.

Strange dreams last night.  Camping and shopping and strangeness.  Although I don't believe that any of them were really related to my french test today, so that's good.  At least I wasn't stressing about that all last night.  Mkay, I need to go study some more.

On Pretension

Pretentious people piss me off.  This is what bugs me about pseudo- hipsters, you know, the ones who are trying so hard to be a hipster, and act so superior and affect this snobbyness and hipster cred that they don't have.  I'm not talking about people who kind of dress like hipsters, but do it kind of ironically, or because it's fun/funny to them.  Because I know real hipsters, and you aren't one of them.  Also, people who are condescending also piss me off.  Those two things: pretending to be something you aren't, and being snobby, are two of my pet peeves.  Also, doing something because everyone thinks it's cool, and not because you actually like it, is one of the stupidest reasons ever to do it.



I'm not sure where all of this anger came from.  Hmmm.

Dear person whose paper I'm critiquing,

I'm sorry, but I can't really tell what you are trying to say.  I don't know whether this is because your words are just put together in a way that is hard for me to understand, or if my brain is simply refusing to work anymore right now.  Either way, THIS IS NOT WORKING!!!!  Blagh!

My eyes feel sad tonight, and I am unsure why.

One of life's little secrets

Sometimes, a cup of tea makes everything okay again.

Mixes

I made a mix CD last night, but I was in a kind of weird mood, so the mix is a little strange.  I'm not sure if I like it or not yet.  Also, I'm not sure if I'm happy about the order of all of the songs yet.  The sounds of each of the songs flow into each other, but the lyrics don't always flow as nicely.  I'll have to think about this some more.