Here we go again.

Well, here we are again, at the dawning of a new year. A fresh start, new things, hopes, dreams, expectations etc. etc. etc. And of course, New Year's Resolutions. Those goals that most people tend to forget about within a month of the shiny new year. Well, I wouldn't say that I have New Year's Resolutions, but I do have some ideas about this next year, and the things that I will be doing. There is the requisite Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome! List, that I have complied as usual. But. But, it's a little bit different this year. I have two of them, you see, the normal one (rather shorter than previous years, but that's okay) and a special one entitled - Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome: Christian Edition. That's right, it's a whole list of things that relate to my faith that I want to accomplish this coming year. Some of them are a bit, well, ambitious. But I've realized recently that I'm too ambitious in all the wrong ways, and not ambitious enough in all the right ways. So I'm trying to change that. The impetus behind both of these UAoA lists is the desire to put more effort into relationships that I have, with friends, with family, with God. That's my goal this year, I guess, to connect more, to connect better with those I care about. And to not do things that I don't care about. To not waste my time on things I wish I cared about more, but to put time and effort into things that I already care about, you know? So, here they are, my UAoA lists, with commentary.

Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome: Christian Edition '13
[] Share Gospel with someone
This is something that I've actually never done. Not really. And it's something that I want to do. I've been so afraid of it for so long, but I'm tired of fear dictating my life.

[] Fast fiction books and movies for a year starting Jan 1st.
This is the ambitious one. If you know me at all, you know that I am a voracious reader. I love books. But they suck up all of my time, and it's not good for me. I spend so much time ingesting other people's ideas of how the world is, taking in their paradigms and ideals, when I actually don't believe in how they see the world. I don't think that it's true. And so I've decided to stop feeding myself that poison. Which leads me to my next item:

[] Work on Heart Issues
I've always prided myself on how I didn't get caught up in the culture's obsession with beauty and sex, but I find that I did swallow, hook line and sinker, the idea that true love conquers all, and is all, is the purpose for life itself. And that is true, but not in the way our culture sells it (i.e. Twilight) and the way I bought into it. So that is the biggest thing that I see God wanting to work with in my life in the coming year, but I am so sure that there are others. Instead of falling in love with the idea of falling love, I want to:

[] Fall more in Love with Jesus
Pretty self-explanatory. I've been through some of the array of aspects of God; He's taught me about Him as Lord, as Father, as Brother, and a myriad of others, but right now, He's working on showing me Himself as Lover of my Soul.

[] Go on a Spring Break Trip with New Life
This is something I really feel like God wants me to do. And I'm trying to stop arguing with him over things that I know He will win in. (God is really relentless.)

[] Do LT
Something I did two years ago, and feel like I should do again this year. (I probably should have done it this past summer as well, who am I kidding.)

[] Read C.S. Lewis (and other theologians)
As I will not be reading fiction, it would be a good idea to read good books about God by smart people who have thought about it a lot. You know.


And here are the other Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome: 2013 Edition
[] Learn how to drive
I know, I know. I still don't know how to drive. And it would be a good thing to know.

[] Go Camping with friends
Maybe. We'll see what we're all doing in August.

[] Burn old writings.
Something I've been talking about for a while, but I actually want to do it. And if, at the end of the year, they aren't burnt, well, I'll just throw them in the trash. I actually don't care about them really. They are worthless, but not OH-MY-WORD-THEY-ARE-SO-EMBARRASSING anymore. They just are, and I want to get rid of them.

[] Secret Project, Code Name: L
[] Secret Project, Code Name: T
Obvs these are secret, so I'm not going to tell you about them.

[] Finish NaNoWriMo novel
The one I've been writing for over a year? Yeah. I actually want to finish the story.

[] Learn how to crochet
New Hobbies!

[] Go sledding in the Arb
This would be a whole lot of fun.

[] Have fun with googly eyes
VandalEyes anyone?

[] Learn how to tie a tie (bowtie and regular tie)
A good skill to have, doncha think?

[] Learn how to french braid hair
Another good skill

[] Finish Pippi bag
A sewing project that I started several years ago. I just need to finish it.

[] Learn how to use the sewing machine
Yet another skill that I wish to acquire.

I'm going home tomorrow!  How exciting!  I just need to get through like, ten more pages of this paper.  I CAN DO IT!  (It's not due till Thursday anyway, and I'm supposed turn it in online, so I will probably finish it at home.)  BUT TOMORROW!!  Also, my birthday is tomorrow?  Which is kind of strange.  I don't know if I feel like I'm 21 yet, even if I do feel like I'm an adult now.  Hmmm...

I read the news today - oh boy

I read the news today
and cried silent tears
between the words that I wrote
about racism and spirituality.
I heard the president speak
saw him wipe tears from his eyes
and cried with him
for the newly-broken families.
I cried again and again,
tears full of a deep, deep sadness,
too personal, too heartfelt to share with another,
even when asked how I was.
I cried for the sadness,
I cried for the waste,
and I cried for your useless,
useless anger with all the wrong people.
In the end there are no words to be said.

I can forgive myself for my sins, but I find it hard to forgive my folly.  And regret eats away at my insides, like a disease intent on destroying me.  Oh Lord, all my fountains are in you.  And to you and your promises I will cling.

Thoughts from Youtube

I'm pretty impressed with myself.  I've watched over 6,600 youtube videos since getting an account two and a half years ago...  I wonder if it counts videos that I've watched multiple times.  And I wonder how much time I've spent watching youtube videos total?  Hmm...

Good Tidings

I'M COMING HOME IN TEN DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR A BIRTHDAY(I'm going to be 21 in ten days o_O)/COMING HOME/TEMPORARY GOODBYE/CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I hope that there is snow and we can go ice skating and sledding and sing Christmas songs and make hot coco and eat cake and drink tea and laugh and laugh and play board games and everything good and exciting and happy. =D

A Rite of Passage

I just looked into a mirror and realized that I am not a child anymore.  I am not a child.  I am a woman.  I am grown up, I am an adult.  There are days when I act like a child still, a slave to my own petulant whims.  But I am not a child, or a teenager, or an adolescent.  I am an adult, with my own life, and my own choices about how I will live that life.  It is mine, to do with what I will.  I think I've finally passed that point that I've wanted to have for a while now.  That moment signifying a passage from child to adult.  And I'm not sure what it was, exactly, just that it happened this evening when I looked into a mirror and acknowledged without fear that I am an adult now.  And I am sure that there will be days when I am childish, and days when I will be wise.  But something's changed.  Something has shifted.  And I'm glad for it.

One of my favorite songs ever.  And the video is pretty freaking fantastic as well.  16 more days.

The amount of "Oh my word I don't want to get up I just want to sleep forever and ever" this morning was kind of astronomical...  Which is why I got up three hours after my alarm first went off.  And I wish I was still sleeping.  Weh!  17 more days.

Apparently tonight is a "Hannah is full of nostalgia and angst" kind of night... Weh.  Why?

(Listening to Relient K and Death Cab for Cutie is probably not helping anything....)

Taking a break from studying and The King's Speech is on Netflix.  I may just be kind of emotional and stressed right now, but I was pretty much crying.  It's such a good, inspiring, beautiful movie.  And now I need to take some of that inspiration, and go write a paper with it.  19 more days.  I can do this.