I'm always disappointed in myself when I want to go back and read a journal entry about a specific event, but find that I never wrote anything down about it.

It is hard to explain just how amazing the past ten days have been.  So I won't even try.

I love you so much, and I'm so glad that we've been able to hang out multiple times in the past week and a half.

As always, thank you for listening.

Sometimes life gives you a perfect moment, where everything just aligns and fits together and you are filled with such quiet happiness at the universe.  And sometimes, you get a string of them, hours or days of perfection.

The last four days have been filled with many of those moments.

AAARGHHHHHH!

My stomach is once again unhappy with me eating food.  I am really getting sick of this.  Though, I suppose part of the problem is that my mother needs to go grocery shopping, so there are only odds and ends in the house, and I am rather a picky eater.  My requirements for food: it tastes good, it does not have a strange texture, and it is not too spicy/flavorful (that makes my stomach unhappy).  Also, my stomach only lets me eat a certain amount of one kind of food per meal, so in order for me to eat an adequate amount, I need to have two or three things that I will eat and will not make my stomach unhappy per meal.  Which is occasionally difficult in our house, when my mother has not been grocery shopping in a while.

Just another summer day.

Good days.  Long days.  Relaxing days.  With good friends, and enjoyable things to do.  Hours do not hold power over me as they once did, as I can do whatever I like for however long I like.  I love summer vacation so darn much.

I made a new friend today.  Her name was Maggie, and she was four years old.  She shared my picnic in Bronson park and told me all about herself as her mother sat on a bench twenty yards away from us.  And then someone thought that she was my daughter...  Yeah, it was good times.

Sometimes I look at myself and shake my head at my idiosyncrasies.  I am kind of a weird person sometimes.  A lot of the time.  Yeah.

An Update

For all of you who were worried about me and my mental health - I seem to have found my normal positive outlook on life again.  I guess the best way to describe it would be to say that I had been thinking about the world and everything in a way that didn't reflect the way things actually were.  And I managed to recognize those things, and recognize the truth.  So I'm back to my normal, usually cheerful self.  Which I am quite glad of.  I am out of the pit of despair I have been trying to claw my way out of for the last several months, and I refuse to be dragged back in.

Things today

I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have since... watching Passion, about a month or so ago... So that's not a great way to put that, I guess, if I was going for dramatic effect.  Anyways, it was all the dramatic movie crying, with the tears rolling silently down my cheeks.  And it was cathartic, and good.  I'm feeling better than I was last night.  I'm remembering things that I had forgotten, good things, helpful things.  Everything is going to be okay.  I've said it enough to other people, I might as well start believing it (deep inside of me) again.  I'm going to be okay.

I'm feeling really weird tonight.  And I don't know completely why.  I mean, I have a few hunches, but... I think I might be a little depressed.  My normal state of happiness and anticipation for the good things that are going to happen in the future has been suspended since at least mid-March.  I don't derive much happiness from the things that I used to love.  And everything is so gosh darn hard and complicated.  I don't know if I know who I am anymore, and I'm desperately clinging to my identity in God, but it's so hard when I can't feel anything.  I need someone I can depend on.  And I'm not talking peers.  I need a mentor.  And I need one bad.  I don't know if I've ever really had a mentor before, except for one of my friends at school.  But this past year, she was dealing with a bunch of stuff of her own, and couldn't pay much attention to me.  I just want someone to take an interest in me, really pursue me and initiate a deeper relationship.  Because sometimes I feel like I do all the initiation in so many of my friendships.  And I know that I have some childhood woundings, a history of friends betraying me, and not pursuing me, but me pursuing them.  And it's completely possible that my friends do pursue deeper relationship with me, and I can't see it because I take it for granted, or because I've been stumbling around in a foggy place mentally and emotionally, and spiritually too, for a couple of months.  Why does everything have to be so hard?

How can I ask my friends to support me, when they are dealing with stuff at the same time as I am?  When they need me to help hold them up, how can I ask them to hold me up?  And I want to be wise, and mature, and a good role model, and not burdensome.  But I'm not as wise as I want to be, nor as mature, nor as good a role model as I dream of, and I hope I am not a burden.  But we are supposed to carry each other's burdens, aren't we?

This is what was in my head tonight, along with a few other things.  I would say don't worry; I'm okay, but I think that wouldn't be the truth.  I'm just clinging to the promise of God:

Isaiah 32:15-20.

till the Spirit is poured on us from on high,
and the desert becomes a fertile field,
and the fertile field seems like a forest.
16 The Lord’s justice will dwell in the desert,
his righteousness live in the fertile field.
17 The fruit of that righteousness will be peace;
its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.
18 My people will live in peaceful dwelling places,
in secure homes,
in undisturbed places of rest.
19 Though hail flattens the forest
and the city is leveled completely,
20 how blessed you will be,
sowing your seed by every stream,
and letting your cattle and donkeys range free.