I honestly don't have much to say this evening, don't have much to offer. On one hand, I'm feeling a lot less lonely than I did last week. (Thanks to everyone who reached out and communicated with me this past week. It meant a lot.) But I'm still dealing with loneliness, with engaging God in this issue in my life. I'm still struggling to give up on my own attempts to make myself happy, even though I know that it doesn't work, and it ends up making me sad and lonely. I'm trying not to isolate myself when I get tired and depleted of energy, even though being alone and by myself gives me energy. Being alone is not the same as isolation. I guess I'm just tired. I'm tired of how hard (or maybe consistent) things are sometimes, and tired of dealing (or not) with my emotions all the time, and tired of life being blah too much of the time. I'm tired of being in control in my life, but I can't seem to let go even so. I'm tired of trying to lose myself in stories, and of failing to achieve my resolutions and goals. I want rest and community. Luckily, next week is spring break and I'm going on an amazing trip with some people whom I really respect and like.
I want so much, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will get it.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Loneliness and Community
Satan tends to wound us in our area of greatest strength, right? Like if God created you to be an amazing musician and touch others through that gifting, the deepest emotional wounds you will receive will be to your musical ability or how others see your musical ability. It only makes sense. Well, all of my deepest wounds were given to how I interact with others. The messages of those wounds - "You will never fall in love and have what your parents have" "Do not touch others, especially boys" "No one will ever like you" "Your friends will betray you and tell your deepest secrets to everyone" "No one understands you" "No one loves you" "If you express how you feel to others, they will laugh and be embarrassed" "You will always be alone". I've made some progress with refuting some of these lies (I know that they are lies at a mental level, but at an emotional level they feel so true).
This weekend, Satan has been hammering "You are alone" message at me, and though I know that it is not true, it feels true, it felt true yesterday. One example (keeping in mind this is the third or fourth thing yesterday that made me feel like this), we had a service (Core) yesterday for the core group of students at my church, the ones who come to small group, team, church regularly and who are involved in the church. I got there a few minutes early, as I had been a few doors down at the prayer room and left for Core ten minutes early. And no one from my team was there, and neither was anyone from my sister team. I sat there for eight minutes, all alone in an empty row, waiting for my friends to arrive and watching the rows in front of me fill with talking, laughing people. And when some of them did arrive, a minute before Core started, they all sat in the row behind me. I felt so alone. After another three or four minutes, a couple of people from our sister team arrived and sat in front of their friends and next to me. That helped a bit, but I was still hurting a lot. Now some of this was excessive emotionalism (stupid hormones) but it's really an intensification of what I normally feel at church here at school. Most of my friends, most of my team, are Meyers-Briggs Ps, or at least, nowhere near the level of J that I am. I like things organized, punctual, and planned. Ps are impulsive, roll with whatever comes up, and not super on time to things. I am a J, to the extent that if someone has told me a plan and I have invested some time and effort into it, and then at the last minute things change, even if it's to shift the event to later in the day, I am upset. I get anxious if I am going somewhere with someone and they cause us to be late. I am rarely late to anything, often arriving exactly on time, or more usually, early. I think of it as a matter of respect to show up before things begin. And so when others don't respect my need to be on time, I feel very alone, and hurt. And this happens often. So I felt very alone and hurt yesterday because of this, in addition to the several other things that made me feel isolated from others.
That isn't to say that people didn't reach out to me yesterday at all. One of the guys on my team whom I look up to and respect thanked me for sharing something vulnerable with the entire team a few weeks ago. One of my friends on my sister team gave me a hug (granted, I had asked her for it) and then later in the day, asked on facebook if I was doing okay. One of the leaders of the sister team came up and asked me how I was doing and really listened to my answer. One of the guys on my sister team offered Alyssa and I a ride home in the snow, but we chose to walk because it was pretty out. Gwen messaged me a great story of what happened at Ignition to her. So people did reach out to me. But it wasn't enough to fill the holes left by the things that made me feel so alone. It wasn't enough to stop the loneliness. And I think that if I'm honest with myself, I feel lonely more often than I admit, even to myself. So often, I feel like I'm the strong one, the one holding others together, the one reaching out to my friends, the one encouraging and loving on others. And even though I know it's not true, it feels like no one does it to me. There are people who reach out and love me, encourage me, and it means more to me than they probably know. But it's not enough to satisfy my longing for love and connection. I'm not saying that I don't rely on God to satisfy my need for love, because I do, but I am also hardwired to need human love and connection, to need community.
I guess what I'm saying is that I need others, I need you, to encourage me right now. Because I feel so alone. And I feel really vulnerable needing others and asking them to meet my need. (That's a whole other story, one that you are probably familiar with in your own life.)
This weekend, Satan has been hammering "You are alone" message at me, and though I know that it is not true, it feels true, it felt true yesterday. One example (keeping in mind this is the third or fourth thing yesterday that made me feel like this), we had a service (Core) yesterday for the core group of students at my church, the ones who come to small group, team, church regularly and who are involved in the church. I got there a few minutes early, as I had been a few doors down at the prayer room and left for Core ten minutes early. And no one from my team was there, and neither was anyone from my sister team. I sat there for eight minutes, all alone in an empty row, waiting for my friends to arrive and watching the rows in front of me fill with talking, laughing people. And when some of them did arrive, a minute before Core started, they all sat in the row behind me. I felt so alone. After another three or four minutes, a couple of people from our sister team arrived and sat in front of their friends and next to me. That helped a bit, but I was still hurting a lot. Now some of this was excessive emotionalism (stupid hormones) but it's really an intensification of what I normally feel at church here at school. Most of my friends, most of my team, are Meyers-Briggs Ps, or at least, nowhere near the level of J that I am. I like things organized, punctual, and planned. Ps are impulsive, roll with whatever comes up, and not super on time to things. I am a J, to the extent that if someone has told me a plan and I have invested some time and effort into it, and then at the last minute things change, even if it's to shift the event to later in the day, I am upset. I get anxious if I am going somewhere with someone and they cause us to be late. I am rarely late to anything, often arriving exactly on time, or more usually, early. I think of it as a matter of respect to show up before things begin. And so when others don't respect my need to be on time, I feel very alone, and hurt. And this happens often. So I felt very alone and hurt yesterday because of this, in addition to the several other things that made me feel isolated from others.
That isn't to say that people didn't reach out to me yesterday at all. One of the guys on my team whom I look up to and respect thanked me for sharing something vulnerable with the entire team a few weeks ago. One of my friends on my sister team gave me a hug (granted, I had asked her for it) and then later in the day, asked on facebook if I was doing okay. One of the leaders of the sister team came up and asked me how I was doing and really listened to my answer. One of the guys on my sister team offered Alyssa and I a ride home in the snow, but we chose to walk because it was pretty out. Gwen messaged me a great story of what happened at Ignition to her. So people did reach out to me. But it wasn't enough to fill the holes left by the things that made me feel so alone. It wasn't enough to stop the loneliness. And I think that if I'm honest with myself, I feel lonely more often than I admit, even to myself. So often, I feel like I'm the strong one, the one holding others together, the one reaching out to my friends, the one encouraging and loving on others. And even though I know it's not true, it feels like no one does it to me. There are people who reach out and love me, encourage me, and it means more to me than they probably know. But it's not enough to satisfy my longing for love and connection. I'm not saying that I don't rely on God to satisfy my need for love, because I do, but I am also hardwired to need human love and connection, to need community.
I guess what I'm saying is that I need others, I need you, to encourage me right now. Because I feel so alone. And I feel really vulnerable needing others and asking them to meet my need. (That's a whole other story, one that you are probably familiar with in your own life.)
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Vision
By Pete Greig
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this… The vision?The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons. They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday. They wouldn't even notice. They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won. They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence. They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying. What is the vision ? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation. It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games. This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause. A million times a day its soldiers
choose to lose that they might one day win the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground The whisper of history in the making Foundations shaking Revolutionaries dreaming once again Mystery is scheming in whispers Conspiracy is breathing… This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ? Can hormones hold them back? Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?
And the generation prays
like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter! Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
inside.
On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.) Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres. Don't you hear them coming? Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon. How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Ownership
There are three levels of ownership recognized in most societies (we tend to only think of one, but in reality, it's all three of them combined for us.) There is Ownership (the ultimate legal right to the thing. It is yours.), Possession (You have the thing with you, you have legal access to the thing), and Usufruct (you have legal rights to use the thing. You do not own it, nor is it your possession, but you can use it.). I was thinking about this today, and I realized that in Christianity, we are God's bondservants, his slaves. He has ownership of us, but we have possession and usufruct. And I thought that was pretty cool.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Steps, forward and backward
Oh hey. It's blog post time again. And I... well, I honestly don't feel like writing much tonight, so we'll just see how this goes, all right?
Sometimes, with God it feels like I take two steps forward and then one step back, or maybe even one step forward and then one slightly smaller step back. I end up closer to him, but only a little bit at a time, after advancing a large amount in a short amount of time. Which is frustrating. I will admit that I have this problem in pretty much every relationship I have though, so it's not really a surprise after all. It's frustrating with everyone else as well, by the way.
I think that it is because I'm scared? I'm not entirely sure what I'm scared of, though I do have some ideas. Maybe because I have this intense dislike of being radical, or zealous, or fully into anything. And I mean anything. I cannot think of a single thing that I am fully invested in, or really have ever been fully invested in. I am always holding something back, and even if you are in my circle of closest friends, there are secrets about my life that I have probably never told you. It's not because I don't trust you, it's just that... it's mine, you know. And to have more people knowing... means more people could hurt me. I know that you wouldn't, not on purpose, but a lot of hurt happens on accident. And honestly, my deepest darkest secret? I've only told two people, ever, and their identities would surprise you. And in communities that I am a part of? As much as it looks like I am all in, there is usually a small part of me that is reserved, outside of it all. The things that I believe? I always reserve the right to secretly criticize things, and it is very hard for me to completely trust the facts and opinions of another person. The notable exception to this being my father. And so I am scared of being all in.
I'm scared of not being in control. Let me rephrase that. I am so freaking terrified of not being in control - of my life, my feelings, my desires, my actions. I am really terrified of what could happen if I let all of my carefully placed controls slip down. I'm terrified that I would get hurt, again, like I was not too long ago. I'm terrified that I would hurt others. Or that they wouldn't accept completely open and honest and impulsive Hannah. And at the same time, I am scared about being in control of my life, with my decisions and responsibilities sitting squarely on my shoulders. (Never mind the fact that I know that my parents would be okay if I screwed things up a bit, if I got a lower grade in school than I'm used to, or made some other not-super wise decision. But I wouldn't be okay with myself.) I am coming to terms with the fact that I am an adult, though, and my decisions do have weight to them.
And this week, it's just felt like God is waiting so patiently for me to go all in, and I keep dancing closer and closer to that line, and it keeps resolving into a clearer and clearer distinction between all in, and partly in. It all comes down to trust, I suppose. And I know that I will cross that line at some point, but my natural hesitation is still operating.
Sorry about the weird mix of vagueness and honesty... I don't even know. Anyway, I love all of you reading this, probably more than you know. :)
Sometimes, with God it feels like I take two steps forward and then one step back, or maybe even one step forward and then one slightly smaller step back. I end up closer to him, but only a little bit at a time, after advancing a large amount in a short amount of time. Which is frustrating. I will admit that I have this problem in pretty much every relationship I have though, so it's not really a surprise after all. It's frustrating with everyone else as well, by the way.
I think that it is because I'm scared? I'm not entirely sure what I'm scared of, though I do have some ideas. Maybe because I have this intense dislike of being radical, or zealous, or fully into anything. And I mean anything. I cannot think of a single thing that I am fully invested in, or really have ever been fully invested in. I am always holding something back, and even if you are in my circle of closest friends, there are secrets about my life that I have probably never told you. It's not because I don't trust you, it's just that... it's mine, you know. And to have more people knowing... means more people could hurt me. I know that you wouldn't, not on purpose, but a lot of hurt happens on accident. And honestly, my deepest darkest secret? I've only told two people, ever, and their identities would surprise you. And in communities that I am a part of? As much as it looks like I am all in, there is usually a small part of me that is reserved, outside of it all. The things that I believe? I always reserve the right to secretly criticize things, and it is very hard for me to completely trust the facts and opinions of another person. The notable exception to this being my father. And so I am scared of being all in.
I'm scared of not being in control. Let me rephrase that. I am so freaking terrified of not being in control - of my life, my feelings, my desires, my actions. I am really terrified of what could happen if I let all of my carefully placed controls slip down. I'm terrified that I would get hurt, again, like I was not too long ago. I'm terrified that I would hurt others. Or that they wouldn't accept completely open and honest and impulsive Hannah. And at the same time, I am scared about being in control of my life, with my decisions and responsibilities sitting squarely on my shoulders. (Never mind the fact that I know that my parents would be okay if I screwed things up a bit, if I got a lower grade in school than I'm used to, or made some other not-super wise decision. But I wouldn't be okay with myself.) I am coming to terms with the fact that I am an adult, though, and my decisions do have weight to them.
And this week, it's just felt like God is waiting so patiently for me to go all in, and I keep dancing closer and closer to that line, and it keeps resolving into a clearer and clearer distinction between all in, and partly in. It all comes down to trust, I suppose. And I know that I will cross that line at some point, but my natural hesitation is still operating.
Sorry about the weird mix of vagueness and honesty... I don't even know. Anyway, I love all of you reading this, probably more than you know. :)
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Reality
I am so very tired right now, so I don't know how long this post is going to be. It's been a long several weeks of not getting enough sleep for stupid reasons, and lots of emotions (good and bad) and thoughts. And today I learned that one of my friends (someone I've known for 16 years) is going to have a little baby boy in the next several weeks. I am currently still trying to process that fact, and I kind of really wish that I could see her and make her something cute for the baby. I mean, I'm going to make something cute for the baby anyway, but I wish I had been keeping in better contact the past few years. So that's the big thing that happened today.
Yesterday and Friday I went on a retreat with my church here at school, and it was really, really, really good. Like mmmhm so good. Worship on Friday night was beautiful, with Ria and Alyssa and I dancing on the side of the sanctuary, and then one of my friends from my New Life Team shared his testimony, and even though I've heard it before, it was still beautiful and amazing and full of so many reasons to rejoice (also he just got engaged!). I got to spend some time with some ladies that I absolutely love and don't see very often, and the talks were all really good. The last talk on Saturday made a big impact on me. I don't even think that it was something that the speaker explicitly said, but it was something that popped into my head. What would my life look like, if rather than wanting to be happy in my life, my goal was to follow God? And I know that I've heard that lots of times, but it really hit home yesterday. Like, what visions would come to fruition then? What dreams would be reality? How much would God use me and move through me if my sole goal in life was to follow him, to run after him and his desires rather than the things that I think will make me happy? How beautiful would my life be then? And so, I kind of rededicated my life to God yesterday. Another, deeper vow of trying my hardest to go after him, of giving him my weakness and my strength, of continual surrender and living sacrifice. Another, deeper stubborn decision to follow Him as Lord of my life, no matter what.
And so I'm giving up. I'm giving up my selfish desires, my attempts to make me happy. My attempts to keep my moods stable and my emotions in check. I'm giving up control of my life, more and more areas in my heart are willingly surrendering their desires and angers, their bitterness and grudges. Come in, Lord. This is yours. And the things that I thought would hurt so much to let go of, are such a relief. The burdens that I feel/felt like I carried, in the face of God and His amazing power, are not sliding off, but rather shrinking to their actual size, and I hardly feel them now. A new reality in my life.
Which brings me to another big thing from this weekend. My biggest tendency, my greatest temptation, is to reject the reality that I see in favor of a different one in my imagination. All of my life, I ingested books, movies, stories. In these stories I could substitute myself in as the narrator, as the one having the adventures, living the friendships, and falling in love. I was creating a fantasy world in which I lived, pretending that it was satisfactory, rather than having my own adventures, forming deeper and deeper friendships, and falling in love with God. And I'm so sick of it. Which is why I'm fasting books and movies, fasting stories, fasting those other realities that I am so fond of living in. Because I'm sick of not being fully committed to my Lord and Savior. I know that there are parts in my heart that are still hiding, still stubbornly clinging to their defenses, but I also know that God is inexorably bringing them into the light and gently prompting me to begin renovation.
The saddest part of my addiction to stories, to other realities, is that they are a substitute for real relationships, real adventures. And I know, so so so deeply that God has amazing adventures for me. I know that one of my purposes in this life is to be a unifier of people, to bring them together, to love communities into being, to facilitate bonding. It's who I am, even though I have been ignorant of it for so very long. And when I am wrapped up in fiction, I cannot play the role that my Creator has set out for me in reality.
I don't really have a good way to wrap this up, and I'm absolutely sure that more things happened this week that I could write about, but I think I'm done with this post. One last thing, though. I signed up for a Spring Break trip with my church without looking at the focus of it, just knowing that it was the one that a lot of my team is going on. Turns out that the subject of the week is "A New Reality." Oh God, you are awesome.
Yesterday and Friday I went on a retreat with my church here at school, and it was really, really, really good. Like mmmhm so good. Worship on Friday night was beautiful, with Ria and Alyssa and I dancing on the side of the sanctuary, and then one of my friends from my New Life Team shared his testimony, and even though I've heard it before, it was still beautiful and amazing and full of so many reasons to rejoice (also he just got engaged!). I got to spend some time with some ladies that I absolutely love and don't see very often, and the talks were all really good. The last talk on Saturday made a big impact on me. I don't even think that it was something that the speaker explicitly said, but it was something that popped into my head. What would my life look like, if rather than wanting to be happy in my life, my goal was to follow God? And I know that I've heard that lots of times, but it really hit home yesterday. Like, what visions would come to fruition then? What dreams would be reality? How much would God use me and move through me if my sole goal in life was to follow him, to run after him and his desires rather than the things that I think will make me happy? How beautiful would my life be then? And so, I kind of rededicated my life to God yesterday. Another, deeper vow of trying my hardest to go after him, of giving him my weakness and my strength, of continual surrender and living sacrifice. Another, deeper stubborn decision to follow Him as Lord of my life, no matter what.
And so I'm giving up. I'm giving up my selfish desires, my attempts to make me happy. My attempts to keep my moods stable and my emotions in check. I'm giving up control of my life, more and more areas in my heart are willingly surrendering their desires and angers, their bitterness and grudges. Come in, Lord. This is yours. And the things that I thought would hurt so much to let go of, are such a relief. The burdens that I feel/felt like I carried, in the face of God and His amazing power, are not sliding off, but rather shrinking to their actual size, and I hardly feel them now. A new reality in my life.
Which brings me to another big thing from this weekend. My biggest tendency, my greatest temptation, is to reject the reality that I see in favor of a different one in my imagination. All of my life, I ingested books, movies, stories. In these stories I could substitute myself in as the narrator, as the one having the adventures, living the friendships, and falling in love. I was creating a fantasy world in which I lived, pretending that it was satisfactory, rather than having my own adventures, forming deeper and deeper friendships, and falling in love with God. And I'm so sick of it. Which is why I'm fasting books and movies, fasting stories, fasting those other realities that I am so fond of living in. Because I'm sick of not being fully committed to my Lord and Savior. I know that there are parts in my heart that are still hiding, still stubbornly clinging to their defenses, but I also know that God is inexorably bringing them into the light and gently prompting me to begin renovation.
The saddest part of my addiction to stories, to other realities, is that they are a substitute for real relationships, real adventures. And I know, so so so deeply that God has amazing adventures for me. I know that one of my purposes in this life is to be a unifier of people, to bring them together, to love communities into being, to facilitate bonding. It's who I am, even though I have been ignorant of it for so very long. And when I am wrapped up in fiction, I cannot play the role that my Creator has set out for me in reality.
I don't really have a good way to wrap this up, and I'm absolutely sure that more things happened this week that I could write about, but I think I'm done with this post. One last thing, though. I signed up for a Spring Break trip with my church without looking at the focus of it, just knowing that it was the one that a lot of my team is going on. Turns out that the subject of the week is "A New Reality." Oh God, you are awesome.
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