Yearning

I used to yearn,
yearn to the point of bursting
yearn to the point of
firing
creating
becoming.
I used to feel
art
so deeply
let myself be swept away
by the currents
of words
and emotions.
I used to
imagine
beyond my world
beyond my little
safe spaces
where I was
growing up
and old
and into.
I desired so much more
things that would make my blood sing
my heart race
and my eyes shine.
I desired
more than I had experienced
certain that
the indefatigable tang
of life
lay there,
just beyond my fingertips -
growing longer in time -
everyday
                   till
                               maybe
                                                  one
                                                                day
I would touch
the splendor
that made my being
ache
with
suppressed joy
waiting
waiting
for the spark
that time would provide.
And then!
O Then!
What a conflagration
would ensue!

I became lost
somewhere between
yearning
and completion
forgot about the
sweet tang
of
holding future joy
so tightly
that the tension seemed unbearable
and yet beautiful.
I am starting again.

A Beginning

or A Manifesto,
or An Invocation,
or A Resolution for my new year

This year, I want to be myself.
Be creative.
Be alive.
Be full of joy.
This year, I will write letters by candlelight.
Remember that it's never too late to reconnect with old friends.
I will knit things that aren't scarves
and sew beautiful things as well.
I will explore this world I live in,
not cower in fear of the unknown.
I will explore myself,
map out my mind,
discover my desires and inclinations.
I will be excited
and enthusiastic
and alive.
And I will choose to trust God,
to hold onto him, and joy,
when depression and control are so much easier.
I will smile from my heart
and climb trees
and invite others into my life.
At the beginning of next year
I want to look back and marvel
at the beauty that I found,
that was given to
and shared with
and lavished on
and birthed by me.
I will do things that make me smile
and do things for others that will make them smile.
And I will suffer and sacrifice and struggle
and forget and fail and fall,
and I pray to God above that I get back up,
that I forgive and love and hope and trust in the midst of it all.
I want to be genuine and have integrity.
I want to be inspired,
not amused;
engaged,
not entertained.
I want to interact with this world I am living in,
not just react.
I want to live,
not just survive.
I want to be myself in the truest sense of the word
and the truest sense of me.
I want to be.