Secret Project

I have a secret I'm working on, and I haven't told anyone about it yet, and I'm still not ready to tell people, but I just wanted to tell someone that I have a secret project.  And I'm excited about it.  Because if I didn't tell someone that I have a secret, I'd have to tell someone what it is, and I don't want to do that yet.  Because I'm excited about it, and when I get excited, I like to talk about whatever is making me happy.

Organic Chemistry Stress and related things.

I'm tired. And feel rather blah, and I just don't know.  One of my friends has recently been rubbing me the wrong way, and I was in their presence for a little while today, and that wasn't helpful, and I think I didn't buy a textbook thing I needed for my Orgo Class.  Because I thought that the Study Guide and the Coursepack were the same?  I guess.  Also, because the bookstore was supremely confusing about what books I needed for what class, and what those books actually looked like.  So that's comforting, that I've made it halfway through the semester without a book I'm required to own.  And I feel rather ready for the exam, but everyone else has done so much more preparation than I have, and they're still freaking out about it a bit.  So that is starting to scare me a little bit as well.  And I was in a good mood, a great mood right up until I decided to study with people.  So that was a stupid decision, in retrospect.  I'm going to go listen to my music really loud and work on a puzzle.

I just took a nap.  That's a false statement.  I just lay in my bed for an hour, drifting in and out of sleep as the light faded from the room.  It was actually rather relaxing.  And now it's well and truly dark outside, and the library we can see from our window has every window lit up, as students sit inside and study.  And now, it is time for me to join them.  Not spatially, but mentally.  Homework time.

What is this thing you call sleep?

I'm exhausted, but I don't want to sleep, and I don't know why.  Today was a pretty fantabulous day, but there was also a tiny current of unease flowing through it. I'm not sure why.  Maybe because two of our friends have spent many hours in our dorm room the past few days, and one of them does not make me feel at all restful.  Maybe because I should have done more homework, or because I haven't gotten enough sleep in days, or maybe it's some other thing, like it's been two weeks since I've been home and I miss people and parents and you.  I don't know.  Or maybe I should knit for a little bit before I go to sleep, calm down a bit.  Actually, I think I know why I've been a little uneasy all day.  My room is messy.  Or rather, my side of the room is messy (and Alyssa's side as well, but I can't clean her side) and I just want to clean it.



On a different note, we now have a giant bag of candy in our room because we made pinatas and then no one wanted the candy inside them.  Oh Darn.  Now we have to take home all of this candy.

Late night knitting music listening blogging crafting shirt fitting book reading hallway bonding sort of night.  Sometimes, I like to go against my ordinary predilection and not use any commas at all.


It's been a good night.

Craft related items

So I went into Jo-Anns last night.  And came out with knitting needles, crochet hooks, mod podge, craft glue, regular glue.  I almost bought some yarn, but I didn't, and now I regret that decision.  Oh well.  The point of the story is that I'M LEARNING HOW TO KNIT!!!!!!!!!  And I'm super excited/ happy about this.  I've been wanting to learn for several months now, and now I'm actually doing it.  It's rather nice, calming in the same way that puzzles are.  Okay, I'm going to go back to knitting now.

Strange dreams last night.  Camping and shopping and strangeness.  Although I don't believe that any of them were really related to my french test today, so that's good.  At least I wasn't stressing about that all last night.  Mkay, I need to go study some more.

On Pretension

Pretentious people piss me off.  This is what bugs me about pseudo- hipsters, you know, the ones who are trying so hard to be a hipster, and act so superior and affect this snobbyness and hipster cred that they don't have.  I'm not talking about people who kind of dress like hipsters, but do it kind of ironically, or because it's fun/funny to them.  Because I know real hipsters, and you aren't one of them.  Also, people who are condescending also piss me off.  Those two things: pretending to be something you aren't, and being snobby, are two of my pet peeves.  Also, doing something because everyone thinks it's cool, and not because you actually like it, is one of the stupidest reasons ever to do it.



I'm not sure where all of this anger came from.  Hmmm.

Dear person whose paper I'm critiquing,

I'm sorry, but I can't really tell what you are trying to say.  I don't know whether this is because your words are just put together in a way that is hard for me to understand, or if my brain is simply refusing to work anymore right now.  Either way, THIS IS NOT WORKING!!!!  Blagh!

My eyes feel sad tonight, and I am unsure why.

One of life's little secrets

Sometimes, a cup of tea makes everything okay again.

Mixes

I made a mix CD last night, but I was in a kind of weird mood, so the mix is a little strange.  I'm not sure if I like it or not yet.  Also, I'm not sure if I'm happy about the order of all of the songs yet.  The sounds of each of the songs flow into each other, but the lyrics don't always flow as nicely.  I'll have to think about this some more.

Mixes

I made a mix CD last night, but I was in a kind of weird mood, so the mix is a little strange.  I'm not sure if I like it or not yet.  Also, I'm not sure if I'm happy about the order of all of the songs yet.  The sounds of each of the songs flow into each other, but the lyrics don't always flow as nicely.  I'll have to think about this some more.

LOOK WHAT I'VE BEEN MAKING!

Aren't these cool?

They're roses made out of maple leaves.

I'm sorry, Lizz DolphinGurl IDK, but who the hell are you and why do you want to be my friend on facebook?


I really hate it when people I don't even remotely know try to friend me on facebook.  I hate it even more when they have ridiculous nicknames embedded in their names.  And you, Lizz embody both of those pet peeves.  I'm sorry for using you as an object lesson, but you were asking for it.  Also, I glanced at your profile to try and see if I might possibly know you.  And you also embody one of my other pet peeves on facebook, the including all of your close friends, not-so-close friends, people you met once at the ice cream store as your family.  So yeah.  Why did you want to be my facebook friend?

I just want to curl up in the fetal position on my bed and sleep for the rest of the day.  Please?  But I have an exam to study for, and then take.  And then I can curl up and sleep in a nest of blankets and pillows.  Also, I think I will put up my blanket fort again this afternoon.

My need and desire for sleep has been waring with the knowledge that I am as yet unprepared for my exam in six and a half hours.  Needless to say, I am not well rested.  At all.  Oh well.  I'll take a nice nap after my exam.


On another note, this is my 200th post on this blog.  So that's cool.

It is ridiculously wet outside-rainy and windy and cold.  Oh Autumn and your temper tantrums.  It's as if the world knows the season is changing and is complaining, like a small child who doesn't want to go to sleep yet.  On one hand, I enjoy, revel in the wildness nature is displaying.  On the other hand, my feet are soaked.  So there's that.  Also, the hem of my skirt is damp.  I would have held my entire skirt away from the ground, but that is rather impossible to do while holding an umbrella as well.  So yeah.  I wasn't entirely miserable during the walk to class, though.  I sang Such Great Heights (it's been stuck in my head for a couple days now) and thought of you.  That distracted me a bit from the horrid weather.  I also considered taking off my shoes, hiking up my skirt and jumping in the puddles.  But it was cold and I was tired and wet already, so I didn't.

Aha moments, part 1

I just realized that quest and question probably come from the same root word.

They will see us waving from such Great Heights

"Come down now", but we'll say

Everything looks perfect from far away

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

Sang this riding home today

It felt fitting for some reason.

I loved hanging out with you

standing on that hill

just glorying in the trees

and autumnal air

and being with each other.

I thought of that video I love

and how

when "I first see places by myself,

the more I want to share this place later with you."

I thought of the days when I would run

headfirst down hills,

using trees trunks as brakes

in order to stop halfway down.

I thought of how when I tell you stories from my childhood

my voice gets slower,

more thoughtful,

measured.

Thanks for the evening

Red Tent

9/7/11

It rained today

the students huddling under umbrellas

and scrunched up in their hoodies.

The drip-drip on my umbrella

reminded me of camping

and old canvas tents

and sudden thunderstorms.

We sat in the red light

listened to the storm

and relaxed,

comforted

by each other

Ultimate Accomplishments Update

The Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome List:

(x=accomplished, /=partially accomplished or in progress)

{}=deleted or changed

[/] Study things that are interesting to me

[] Memorize a book of the bible

[/] Journal like crazy

[/] Color a lot more in my coloring books

[] Look at the Stars until 2 in the morning

[x] Stay up all night talking (I'm going to say the Lock-in counted)

[] Go to Chicago

{[x] Dance all night}  Changing to attend/make a dance party happen.  It's fine if it's an impromptu dance party, as long as everyone is dancing and there is music  (Again, I'm going to say the lock-in counted)

[/] {Sign Language?} French

[x] Wear make-up

[x] Dress Up for no reason

[x] Have a tea party :D

[x] Buy more tea

[x] Buy a New Teapot!/Fix Camille

[/] Pen Pals!

[x] Photo shoot

[/] Walk through Kalamazoo with Emily, singing along the way

[/] Have more Kalamazoo adventures

[x] Finish my dress

[x] Become comfortable with my singing voice

[/] Reread Fahrenheit 451

[] Read Last Words of Notable People

[/x] Own/Read all of John Green's books

[x] Watch every Vlogbrother's video

[/] Read a lot of poetry

{[] Read The Hunger Games}  

[] Read Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

{[] Read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens}

{[] Read two Shakespeare plays I haven't read before}

[] Read the Phantom Tollbooth

[x] Wear my Octopi shirt

[x] Have fun awesome walking adventures with some of my favorite people

{[] Camp out in my backyard with some of my favorite people}

[/] Blog about interesting stuff, not just keep a type of online journal

[] Write a short story

[] {Do the Romans 8 thing Emily, Kiersten and I talked about}  Keep Emily accountable for the Bible/theology thing we talked about

[x] See at least one musical

[x/] Go to shows and artsy things

[x] Go to at least one museum

[x] Think about my life, a lot

[/] {Read my bible every day.}  Read the New Testament in three months.

{[] Make my people/ideas/quotes/inside jokes book}

{[] Index my journals by people}

[/] Hang out with people more

[/] Decrease World Suck [I'm not sure how to measure this...]

[/] Learn how to do the nerdfighter salute

[x] Read Mere Christianity

[/] Practice Structured Procrastination more often

{[] Grow Closer to James and Jesse}

[/] Deal with issues caused by event in childhood/forgive people

[x] Reread LotR in a month

[/] Read the Silmarillion

[x] Be Bold

{[] Name my newly acquired teapot}  This one has been rendered redundant

[x] Fast something (for a month)

[] {Learn six new words and use them regularly} {When exposed to new words, actually try to remember them}

{[] Write at least 5 appreciation letters}

[/] Have Deep and pointless theoretical conversations

[x] Acquire at least two sundresses

[x] Wear dresses/skirts at least once a week once it's warm (55 degrees and up)

[] Learn to juggle

[/] Name all of my turtles

{[] Road Trip?} Not this year

[x] Watch Dr. Who

[] Start Using French the Llama in normal conversation

[/] Memorize five poems

[] {Read all seven Harry Potter books in a week} {Read all seven Harry Potter books this summer before the movie comes out} Read all seven Harry Potter Books

[/] Help others accomplish their UAoA lists

[/] Get rid of excess stuff/pare down my material goods/give them to a charity

[x] Pare down my facebook friends list

{[] Get a tattoo} Not this year

The most recent additions:

[x] Get a haircut

[x] Be a hipster with Emily

[x] Vlog every day in May (29 out of 31 isn't too bad)

{[] Journal every day in June}

{[] Vlog every couple of days}

[x] Go see the Harry Potter movie opening night

There is no way to express just how much I love and enjoy and appreciate all of my Youth Group and church friends.  Thanks for a fantastic day.

Laundry and Love

8/26/11

I'm doing laundry today

Keeping my hands busy

And my mind occupied

While I wait for you, love

My stories are stilled in my mind

And my mouth stays closed;

My mother knows something is up

While I wait for you, love

I'm packing clothes and dishes

Into boxes and bags

My material life unimportant next to

Waiting for you, love

I keep myself busy

Making lists and setting goals

Preparing to move

While I wait for you, love

This wasn't the best time to tell you,

I suspect, but it was the right time

for me as I look at ahead at this next fall,

Waiting for your answer, love

Oh! I am just waiting for

the laundry to be done,

and for you,

my love,

to write

I'll say

7/17/11

I guess this is goodbye

it snuck up on us so fast.

I'll see you sometime later,

maybe, perhaps.

But even if this is for life,

this parting of ways

and saying goodbyes,

I hope you know

I will grieve you

the day I hear of your demise.

I will cry, or at the least feel sad,

burdened for several days.

This was too soon,

I'll say. It wasn't meant to be this way

I'll say. I haven't seen you in years,

I'll say, but I still will miss you

more now that I know you are no longer here

on this earth with me.

You are gone, and I will remain

and even if we meet again some day

in some place far different from this place,

I will still mourn your passing now.

For you touched my life

in tiny, miniscule ways

I never was aware of

until you were gone.

Luna

7/12/11

you poor, beautiful thing

my mind and voice repeated,

a sort of singing mantra

mourning the perhaps death of the creature.

I did not know you lived in this place

I did not know if you lived

but I hoped you were dead.

Because you were missing part of a wing

and I could not bear to think of you,

flying through the night lopsided.

A beautiful quiet thing, broken and alone.

I would have preferred you dead.

but I returned the next day

and you were gone,

leaving me the memory of you

and your soft surprise wings.

Guess What?!

My hair is once again long enough to put in a ponytail  :)

Oh Man

I just realized how much I want to see my Kalamazoo friends.  And it is a whole lot.  Not like oh, it'd be nice to see you.  More like "I miss you so much and I just want to talk and give you hugs."



Good thing I'll be home on Friday.

To a Child:

7/3/10

Were I but allowed, my love, my only

I would give you the world

And you would never be lonely.

I would hug you and kiss you,

Hold tightly to you and say

My dearest one, my comfort, my love

Never leave me, please stay.

Forever mayhaps, if the universe wills

If the universe wills, we'll go on our way

But fate is fickle and minds can change.

I'll release you into the world and stay

Here at home, wishing, hoping, loving from afar.

You'll come back with tales of adventure

Aglow with a love of you own

And someday, these words I say

Will be repeated by your lips

To a young love of your own,

A child whose perfection will outshine the sun

And you will say "I will love you forever,

These soft baby eyes, the inquisitive look,

The growth and maturing, the love of a book."

Until one day, when I am old and quite grey

Your perfect child will go on their way

Leaving you as you once did me

And so the cycle goes through every century.

Google and Gumby

Today, Google's homepage features Gumby and his cast of friends.  I have a funny story about Gumby, actually.  When I was a kid, I was unsure if Gumby was an actual thing or something I had imagined or dreamed about.  I had seen a couple episodes at my cousins house when I was really little - two or three - and afterwards did not see anything referencing Gumby for many years.  I figured it had been a character from a dream I had, but then I finally saw or heard something about Gumby, and I knew I hadn't dreamed it.  Same thing for the Brave Little Toaster.

Friends

3/5/11

I was telling you a story

but my head was far away

Thinking of us and a someday

but then I came back down to earth

and to the reality

that dreaming of a someday

just isn't right right now

but someday we'll be together

holding hands and smiling wider

than we are now

(as if that is possible)

For now I'm content with liking you

and you, with liking me.

Okay with not acting

on those thoughts

Okay with being friends.

Your sister says you don't smile often,

don't laugh easily,

but when we hang out

I hear your laughter often

see you smile,

comfortable with me

and us.

I can hear your sadness as well,

your frustration, your weaknesses.

Those times, I only want to comfort you

let you know I'm here to hear.

And your worries are mine too.

We are just friends,

and I am okay with that

Things I have done/hope to have done by the end of today

1. Finished a Christmas puzzle that I bought because it's glow in the dark
2. Eaten dinner consisting entirely of goldfish and Arnold Palmer
3. Saw Dr. Strangelove at the Michigan Theater
4. Read two books in the Belgariad (I'm on the fourth one)

Yup


Also, I just realized that one of James's band most likely takes its moniker from Dr. Strangelove.  Lovestranger M.D. anyone?

Leave you Wondering

3/5/11

I don't say anything sometimes

Not because I have nothing to say

but because if I say anything

you'd know how much I care

because if i said anything,

my heart would hurt from so much emotion

so I stay silent

and leave you wondering

How do you know you're in love?

3/3/11

How do you know you're in love?

When do you know?

Is it the moment you realize that he's cute?

The moment you realize you trust him unconditionally.

The moment you want to tell him about your day.

Tell him your stories, share your life.

Is it the moment you feel nervous about seeing him?

When you feel unsure around him?

The moment you realize that you can read his signals

The moment you realize that he's telling you he loves you too?

The moment you feel at home with him?

When you feel comfortable with him?

Willing to tell him everything?

When you realize that you feel free to tell him everything?

When you miss his face?

When you take liberties with him?

When you are glad that he respects you?

When you become okay with other people figuring out that you and him like each other?

When there is no shame or embarrassment in having other people know?

When you want to comfort him?

Feel jealous of the people who get to be around him?

Want to see him much more often?

Time-suck

I've pretty much decided to stop using tumblr and twitter, because they're kind of a time-suck that I don't need right now.  I don't know if I will decide sometime in the future that I want to start using them again, but right now I'm done with them indefinitely.  I only have so much time, and I might as well us it in a careful, thoughtful way, deliberately and productively.

Snow Walk

1/7/11

I want to take a stroll with you

Along the winter streets and walks.

The silent snow and quiet steps

On the darkened familiar paths.

I'll lean against your shoulder blade,

My cheek against your coat.

My hand will find its way

Into yours inside your pocket.

The snow will fall from grey-blue clouds.

We'll have no place to be,

No destination final.

Just you and me

And all the silent world to see.

The dark will be our friend,

The silent world surrounding.

All others indoors will be

Hiding from the chill.

All save us, the lovers

Of the cold, of the midnight world.

Someday we'll bring our children 'long

These paths, beneath orange streetlamps;

Places hidden from such false light.

The snow will illuminate our way

Our trek through woods, up hills, along lanes.

Our silent exultation in the dark cold night,

Reveling in the loneliness,

The aloneness of we two.

I want to take a stroll with you.

Fairy Tale

11/9/10

I never asked for happily-ever-after or once-upon-a-time.

I never wished for a fairy tale (not really, not truly)

Or a typical rom-com plot

I never expected you to be Prince Charming

and sweep me off my feet.

I never called for help, I was no damsel in distress.

No wish for knight-in-armor-shining

to joust in my honor and win me glory.

Dragons are scarce these days,

and sacrificing virgins has fallen out of style.

I have no need for a thousand ships

or a Romeo hiding in my garden.

I don't reside in a barren tower, or a towering palace.

My curiosity is not piqued by forbidden things,

by prohibited knowledge and locked doors.

I never asked you to be impossibly strong and protective

or to rescue me from the perils of life.

I never asked you to be my all-in-all,

my heart in you residing.

I never wished for your whole life,

Your whole heart, your whole self.

I never requested that you be my true love,

or protect me from hurt and danger.

I never asked you to offer your life for mine,

without a second thought.

All I asked for was a little bit of your love

in return for a little bit of mine.

A little bit of your life,

in return for a little bit of mine.

A little bit of your self,

in return for a little bit of mine.

A little bit of your trust,

in return for a little bit of mine.

All I asked for was a little love,

not a fairy tale.

But when you said

"I'm going to go"

My heart said "No, not him. Not Him,"

threatening to break, but just a little.

I knew I needed one thing:

a little bit of your love, in return for mine.

A little bit of your life, in return for mine.

No fairy tale, just some love.

Goodbye Internet!

Only for the next few days.  Don't worry, I'll be back on Sunday.  I'm going on a retreat, and I'm kind of excited about it :)  Mkay.  I need to finish packing, and eat something, and do a couple of other things before I'm ready to go.

Jealousy

9/25/10

You were never mine

yet I don't want you to be hers.

I was never yours

yet I don't want her to be yours.

We're friends, and understand that

And I know that she and you are just friends as well.

Still, I don't like knowing she's with you

and I'm not.

I don't trust her

don't trust that she knows how to act

around you

and my other boys.

I don't want her around you

but I don't know if my opinion

is a valid one

because of this jealousy.

Maybe it's as you say

that with some time

she could fit right in.

I'm not so sure.

I just want to protect you

(And me, to some degree, I suppose).

Because I love you

and I don't want you hurt again, not while I can stop it.

But I can't

and I just have to accept that

I just pray that you'll be wise.

And..... Now we get into the poems that are to/about you.

=^_^=

Missing you on a Saturday Morning

9/18/10

I miss you abstractly

like an idea I once had

laying in bed

before sleep overtook me

and it got lost

somewhere in my dreams.

I miss you

like I miss Halloween candy,

after I realized I was too old

for trick-or-treating.

I miss you

like I miss the autumn leaves

when it's April and

the flowers are blooming.

I miss you

like I miss the deep-seated cold

of a January night

while at the beach

in August.

I miss you

like I miss all the books of my childhood

still on my bookshelf,

within reach,

yet I never touch them.

I miss you

like I miss the pine tree in my backyard

the one with the view of the cemetery,

the one my brother used to climb,

(cheating I called it)

in the middle of our games of tag hide-n-seek.

I miss you

like I miss all of my wasted days

all of my wasted time.

I miss you

like I miss childhood.

Mostly remembering the good times

but with the nagging feeling

I was miserable sometimes.

I miss you

like I miss all of the books I left at home,

with a fleeting pang

that is soon gone.

I miss you

like I've forgotten

who you are,

how you hurt me,

all the time we shared

who we were.

And it comes back to me laying in bed,

seven-thirty on a Saturday morning,

with the marching band playing

Lady Gaga in the background

and I realize how much

I've been missing you.

Love

9/22/10

know that I'll always love you

even if I don't say it.

I'm wishing I would dare to

say those three words

I love you

and

you're amazing

and

you are so cool

and

I'm so glad you're my friend

and

I'm so glad you were the answer to my prayers

I'm so glad you were born

I'm so glad you stuck around even when stuff was hard

even when life seemed meaningless

because our friendship gives it meaning

HAPPY DANCE!

I can listen to all of this happy music from my itunes now!  YAY!  I like Kaysy Conundrum a lot.

I  like writing blog posts to you.  It makes me feel super adorable.

Romcom in Reverse

7/29/10

and all i can offer you is my friendship

this romcom in reverse

this inside out fairy tale

you were going to be my destiny, my love

but instead, just a friend

just a friend

you were going to be the character

i ignored for years then fell in love with at the end

but instead you are the friend i fell for

then realized it wasn't love, wasn't real

that the imaginings were all in my head

not my heart, not my blood

after all of these dreams

after all of this thinking

you dwindle to a friend

to a friend who is a boy

and not a boyfriend

I am Legitimately Upset right now

And I really need to not be, because I have an exam that I need to study for in two hours.  But I am pretty angry right now.  A Pro-Life organization on campus has put up an exhibit on the Diag featuring large, graphic images of abortions, genocide, etc.  I have some issue with that, but they did put up signs warning students about the images, and I was able to avert my eyes so I didn't have to see such images.  I am pro-life, but I don't think using scare or shock tactics is the right way to bring up this issue.  And I think it's more a problem with our society and showing graphic images is not going to change anybody's mind.  This is not a loving way of bringing the issue up.  What about sensitive people?  What if someone walks past who has had an abortion, or someone who has been deeply affected by an abortion?  What of their mental and emotional trauma when they are just trying to go to class?  Yes, I am upset about the display in the Diag, but that is not what is almost making me cry from anger.  I almost feel like I have been violated, not physically but mentally and emotionally.  I try to only put good and perfect things into my mind, be they images or thoughts, and I try to keep out the bad.  I am upset with the large truck they have around campus with a giant picture of a bloody fetus on it.  I had no warning that I was going to look up and be subjected to this image.  I am legitimately angry right now, and I hate that I cry when I'm pretty angry.

It's been a long day.  And I have two exams tomorrow that I still need to study for.  And my room is cold and the thermostat does not work.  But everything is going to be okay.  And I got my Doctor Dolittle book, and the stories were just the same as I remember them, and I'm not freaking out over my exams.  And I just got Sigh No More from the library and I'm pretty excited to finally have Mumford and Sons on my computer :)

Don't Trust Me

7/29/10

I drew you a picture

a masterpiece of vibrant color

a piece of my heart

then i watched it dissolve in the water

the hose in my hand

as i destroyed what my hands had wrought

the offering's been retracted

the heart has turned to another

and i told you

i always told you

don't trust me

i'll break your heart

i'll break your trust

i'll hurt you and leave you cursing my name

because what we had

was a drawing on the pavement

a tour de force of chalk

that disintegrates in the rain

and i always told you

don't trust me

i'll break your heart

i'll leave you sobbing on your bed

don't trust me

i'll break your trust

i'll hurt you and leave you cursing my name

don't trust me

i'll break your heart

I'll break your soul

don't trust me

i'll break your heart

and we'll go our separate ways

with the curses hanging in the air

over the chalk stains

of our love

don't trust me

i said

Sadness

6/10/10

I'm sad with the sadness of what-could-have-beens

and what-would-hae-beens

and what-should-have-beens

I'm sad with the sadness of the past

and the present

and the future

I'm sad with the sadness of saying goodbyes

and saying hellos

and saying how are you?s

I'm sad with the sadness of nostalgia

and remembering the past

and remembering the future

I'm sad with the sadness of the old

and the middle-aged

and the young

I'm sad with the sadness of lost-love

and found-love

and kept-love

I'm sad with the sadness of loss

and new life

and shared life

I'm sad with the sadness of flowers

and trees

and raindrops

I'm sad with the sadness of high summer

and deep winter

and crisp fall

I'm sad with the sadness of knowledge

and ignorance

and wisdom

I'm sad with all the sadness of what-could-have-beens

Things I wish to tell you

I was out of spirits at church today, as the first service was over and I had yet to see you.  Your sister told me that you weren't coming, that you had stayed home with your sick brother.  I was sorry he was sick, and wished he would feel better, but even more than that, I wished that you had been able to come.  I missed you, and wished I could have said goodbye, even if I'll see you in two weeks.  I hung out in the foyer for a while, with some of my favorite youth groupy people, and that was fun, but afterwards I felt rather blah because you weren't there, and I was hungry and tired.  I think the fact you weren't there was a bigger contributer to my mood than the food and sleep I was lacking. 

Also, you missed seeing the sunburn I got yesterday, you know, the one I told you I was going to get.  It was a bit painful yesterday evening, but is only a little inconvenient today.

Your status yesterday, the Chasing Cars one, made me laugh out loud.

Chilling under the coat rack in the foyer at church; I feel like I'm five years old again.  Also, last night my mom pulled out some of the slides from when we were kids.  And it was great.

Letters

4/10/10

Half written letters;

Phrases that could have been great.

Sentiments expressed just right

that no one ever read.

Nostalgia felt then for a former time;

sadness felt now for partings.

Letters to friends, telling of life and nonsense

never sent, never received.

A sort of journal to myself

meant for someone else's eyes.

These letters accumulate,

fragments of something more:

a life lived and people missed,

missives kept to the writer,

envelops the messenger never touched.

Unsent letters,

possibilities of connection that never were fulfilled,

friendships let go off,

conversations that never existed.

They hold bittersweet thoughts,

some never meant to be sent

and kept as paper memories of a turbulent time.

Fragments of letters,

mini time capsules,

kept for a different day

to remind me of my life and emotions.

The promise of a friendship that wasn't kept,

that wasn't maintained,

wasn't valued.

Apologies and excuses

all the while the subtext is

I missed you a whole lot for a little while,

then I moved on

and you were just a casualty of

a friendship based on proximity.

They say

I couldn't remember you enough

or care enough

or try hard enough

to really write you a letter

so I wrote myself a fragment of one.

They say

I'm sorry,

and I am,

that this happens

but it does. Even to the best of us

it happens. This forgetting,

this not-finishing,

this great project and good intentions

that never get fulfilled.

All of these unsent letters.