Sorry about all of these posts today...

But this just makes me so happy!

Less Than Three

less than three










Haha, see what I did there. True story, I didn't plan to pick that song to share, and had already planned on what the hyperlink was going to be. Also, I would actually make the symbol, but this blog doesn't like things that it thinks are actually programming.

On how amazing God is, and how good his plans are

Basically, God is freaking amazing! So I was at a retreat on Friday and Saturday, at Camp FaHoLa, with New Life (and 8 other schools/churches), and God pretty much flipped my world upside down. I'll try to explain a few of the ways in which he did this.

First of all, and the biggest one, was that God showed me how most of my dreams for the future are based on fear. I am an introverted person, and was pretty shy as a child. And as I'm here at college, and starting to think about what I'm going to do next, it's kind of scary. The world sometimes seems like a scary, unfriendly, unfeeling place. I'm going to have to get a job, and support myself, and deal with paying bills, etc, etc, etc. Which just seems kind of scary. And so my dreams for the future are based on those things. I want to be a teacher, because (while I also enjoy explaining things), I will be dealing with not that many adults, and people who are younger than me don't really inspire my introvertedness quite so much. I want to get married and have kids not just because I really want to be married and have kids, but also because maybe my husband will deal with stuff for me. I'm sure that there are other dreams that are based on fear, but I can't really think about them right now.

So I basically gave my dreams and future to God. Which is pretty scary, but he knows what's best for me, and I've got to trust in him. And his view for my future is pretty amazing. I think he might be calling me into ministry. Which, quite frankly, is not anything I've ever thought of doing. Because I'm introverted, and don't particularly enjoy leading or talking to large groups of people. I can do it, but it's not something that I would pick as a career path. But God does this amazing thing where he plays off of our weaknesses, instead of our strengths. Because where we are weak, he is strong, and when we are weak, that gives him an opportunity to show his power through us.

He said some pretty amazing things when I was talking to him about this, one of them was about my gifts. So basically he was like "You've just been accepting my gifts without wondering why I gave them to you." Which kind of blew me away. Because it's completely true. I've never wondered why God gave me one gift instead of another. And thinking about it, some of my gifts would work really well in a leadership position. God's been planning this for a while. Just the gift of grace that has characterized my life. The environment I grew up in, with my parents and my church, the knowledge of Him that I've been receiving since I can remember. The ability to explain things, which was one of the reasons I would have been a good teacher, is also the mark of a good leader.

So God's calling me to do some hard stuff, stuff I'm not comfortable doing. I'm going to have to rely on Him. He wants me to be bold, which is not something I'm comfortable doing. But I trust in Him. And He told me this amazing thing. He said "You will stand, frail and seemingly alone, and you will vanquish the world." Which is pretty freaking amazing!

So that's that. And this next part is kind of the bad news, for you guys at least. I think God wants me to do this summer leadership training that New Life offers. It's two months in the summer where you basically have intensive teaching and prayer, etc. So if this plays out, I'll only be in Kalamazoo for May, half of June, and three-quarters of August.

Music etc.

I can't stop listening to this!!!!

The fact that it's an album of lullabies for a specific nerdfighting child makes it kind of funny... the lullaby part, not the nerdfighting child part.

Also, do you enjoy the many short blog posts I've been posting? Do you like me posting songs I'm addicted to, or poems I find and love, or other random stuff? I would appreciate some feedback, because if I'm annoying people, or if you guys just aren't reading this (though if you aren't reading this, then you won't see this question, and thus won't comment or whatever...), then I would like to know. KTHXBYE!

My current way of filling up the various increments of time between classes.

I've transcribed like three or four now... It's fun!

On a related note, I'm now all the way to October of 2008 in watching old Vlogbrothers videos, starting from now, and moving backward.

I miss summer. My song of the summer, Such Great Heights, came on in my itunes shuffle, and it made me think of all those times this past summer I listened to it, and all those times I sang it. Riding my bike in the hot, hot, heat, in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Swinging on the swingset located four blocks from my house with my made-of-awesome friends. Standing alongside/in Lake Michigan with those same made-of-awesome friends. And of course all of the times I blasted it in my room and sang along, without a care in the world. The times I sang it, wishing I was singing it to someone, and the times I sang it just for the pleasure of singing. The times I sang it when I was happy, and the times when I was sad.

All in the summertime. And right now, on this frigid (actually not quite frigid...) January night, I'm missing the summertime, and my bicycle, and my friends, and the heat, and the fun times when I didn't have a care in the world (not true. I was freaking out about college. But nostalgia never remembers that). I miss you, summer.

Also, replace Rochester with Ann Arbor, or Kalamazoo, and this Sestina is very apt for right now.

Sestina d'Inverno by Anthony Hecht:

Here in this bleak city of Rochester,
Where there are twenty-seven words for "snow,"
Not all of them polite, the wayward mind
Basks in some Yucatan of its own making,
Some coppery, sleek lagoon, or cinnamon island
Alive with lemon tints and burnished natives,

And O that we were there. But here the natives
Of this grey, sunless city of Rochester
Have sown whole mines of salt about their land
(Bare ruined Carthage that it is) while snow
Comes down as if The Flood were in the making.
Yet on that ocean Marvell called the mind

An ark sets forth which is itself the mind,
Bound for some pungent green, some shore whose natives
Blend coriander, cayenne, mint in making
Roasts that would gladden the Earl of Rochester
With sinfulness, and melt a polar snow.
It might be well to remember that an island

Was blessed heaven once, more than an island,
The grand, utopian dream of a noble mind.
In that kind climate the mere thought of snow
Was but a wedding cake; the youthful natives,
Unable to conceive of Rochester,
Made love, and were acrobatic in the making.

Dream as we may, there is far more to making
Do than some wistful reverie of an island,
Especially now when hope lies with the Rochester
Gas and Electric Co., which doesn't mind
Such profitable weather, while the natives
Sink, like Pompeians, under a world of snow.

The one thing indisputable here is snow,
The single verity of heaven's making,
Deeply indifferent to the dreams of the natives,
And the torn hoarding-posters of some island.
Under our igloo skies the frozen mind
Holds to one truth: it is grey, and called Rochester.

No island fantasy survives Rochester,
Where to the natives destiny is snow
That is neither to our mind nor of our making

Woah!

²⁰ “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, ²¹ that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. ²² I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— ²³ I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

~John 17:20-23

Good stuff. In the sermon preached at New Life this morning, the pastor dwelt on this passage. And then just now, I was listening to New Day's sermon from two weeks ago, and Pastor Cameron started talking about it as well. And all I can say is woah!

Poetry

And it was at that age...Poetry arrived

in search of me. I don't know, I don't know where

it came from, from winter or a river.

I don't know how or when,

no, they were not voices, they were not

words, nor silence,

but from a street I was summoned,

from the branches of night,

abruptly from the others,

among violent fires

or returning alone,

there I was without a face

and it touched me.

I did not know what to say, my mouth

had no way

with names

my eyes were blind,

and something started in my soul,

fever or forgotten wings,

and I made my own way,

deciphering

that fire

and I wrote the first faint line,

faint, without substance, pure

nonsense,

pure wisdom

of someone who knows nothing,

and suddenly I saw

the heavens

unfastened

and open,

planets,

palpitating planations,

shadow perforated,

riddled

with arrows, fire and flowers,

the winding night, the universe.

And I, infinitesimal being,

drunk with the great starry

void,

likeness, image of

mystery,

I felt myself a pure part

of the abyss,

I wheeled with the stars,

my heart broke free on the open sky.

~Pablo Neruda

My Night

I had a slew of weird dreams last night, and I actually remember some parts of them. There was a part where the old configuration of church was back, and I had a whole large place to dance in, and I was dancing like crazy. And then after that I was hanging with the older youth Nation people (yeah, those people. Also, how many of you guys even know what I'm saying when I use that terminology?), even though I could see you youth groupy people a short distance away. I got to hold a little teeny baby with an amazingly strong grip, who was the sweetest little baby I've ever seen in a dream. Then there was something about me and two other people (I think one of them was Kiersten, who earlier in these dreams was staying at my house). Anyway, the three of us had to unlock this crypt thing and get something, but it was really hard (not scary at all though) and I think we got turned into some sort of creatures. but we managed it, and returned to our original forms. And I don't remember much more than that. Except there was someone named Annabelle, whose name I was trying desperately not to forget for some reason. But it was an interesting night. Also, a large proportion of my dreams take place in buildings suspiciously similar to our Church building.

Before I went to sleep at around two, I was watching The Sting and Ocean's Eleven with some of my hallmates. And movie night started at about 8:30, and ended around 1:26. It was pretty fun. I always like heist movies, and so heist movie nights are fantastic.

After the movies, I almost didn't want to go to bed. I was tired, and knew I should hit the sack, but just didn't feel like it. But I did anyway. And now I'm up, and hopefully I'll make a vlog today, and do my reading, and maybe even start writing a paper. One can always hope.

I've had this playing through my head all day.

Needing God

I recently had the revelation, well, not revelation, but the truth really hit home. That all of us, however put-together we seem on the outside, desperately need God's help, all the time. I have the privilege to be the confidant of several of my friends, and I was just thinking that several of them have communicated difficulties or crisis or big decisions that need to be made in their lives. And I was thinking that is was weird that so many of us are having issues at the same time. Then I realized that it's like this all the time, and all I could do was cry out to God and tell him how much I needed him, and how much my friends needed him. Because as loving as I am, my love can never, ever come close to the love that God has for my friends. And as much as I've supported my friends in problems before, I do not have the strength to hold all of them up by myself, no matter how hard I try. I get exhausted trying to hold up one of my friends at a time, and can't even try two. All I can do is cry out to God, and ask him to take over. Because I certainly can't save my friends, or resolve their problems. I fail, every time, I try. I can't even fix myself and my own problems. I am unable, I do not have that capacity. So all I can do is cry out to God, from the depths from my heart "Help us!!! Save us!!!" Cause we can't do it alone. We can't even do it in a group. We need God, because without him, we are stumbling, sniveling creatures, wandering around in the dark with no one to lead us or give us light. But with God, there is light, because he himself is our light. And through him, our light will rise in the darkness, and our night will become like the noonday. (Isaiah 58:10)

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I - Isaiah 58:8-9

And I've been fasting books and movies and the internet (with a few exceptions, obviously), and praying and reading my bible a lot more, talking to God. And it's been really good, really strengthening. And I found those verses last week, and was struck by the imagery of the light, and how hopeful that was, that we would become bearers of the light. I was struck by how amazing God is, and how much he love us. How much we need him to love us.

One of my accomplishments of the day...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IizK_HoQfqw

Calligraphy pen ramblings

So this is what I wrote last night....

You are only young once, and I am seized with the desire to document it, devour it, write down this madness of life. I want to fly higher, every new day again. I am seized witht the desire to be that person, that young one who has experienced life as fully as possible. I want the nitty-gritty, the down-and-dirty, because that is where the beat of life resides, the beat of my heart. I want to document this, with this pen that produces such beautiful writing. I want to devour it, eat up the messiness and chaos, give it a home in my stomach and let it settle into some sort of peace. The balancing act. I want to experience joy with my friends, in places you can't help but remember and be in awe of. Of times where everything is perfect. I want it all. I think I'm ready for that tattoo, showcasing me to the world. This is who I am, and it's messy, and sometimes it's ugly, but this is my life, and this is my skin, and I want to write my life story on it, in ink as well as wrinkles and callouses and scars. This is my skin and my story. I am the main character in my life. I'm not a supporting character, someone in the background. This is who I am, and where I come from. And I am young, and I will revel in my youth, in the joy of being young and free. I love this pen, and how black the ink is, and how it stains my hands, a sort of semi-permanent testament to this act of recording. And these ink-stained fingers are me. This is me, and I am not apologizing for who I am. My head is bursting with ideas, bursting with plans and life to be lived, my life for me to live.

Whenever I feel like this, I try to calm down after a while, but last time I had the brilliant realization that there is no real reason to calm down. In fact, even though I'm super emotional right now, I love it. I love living. Forget that vicariously living bullcrap. I want to live and feel and explore this place I call home. This state that is mine, this place that I love. I am a Michigander, this is where I'm from, this is who I am.

I live feeling, so much. I want to fly higher, every new day again. Also, the scritch-scratch of this pen is really, oddly satisfying. I want to do, to produce, to make stuff. This year is going to be a year of doing, of activity. I'm going to produce, not consume. I have things to do, life to plan and live and riff and improvise. This is my life, and it's time that I do something with it. I want to bring this passion I'm feeling right now to bear in all aspects of my life. When someone describes me, I want passionate to be one of the adjectives used. *Deep inhale* I am so full of life right now. I am so pumped for this next 358 days. Each day I want to have done something. I feel like I should stop to pray and stuff, but this flow of sanity is too precious. Plus, I kind of feel like this is a sort of praying. Like God is in this and is with me just as much as if I was reading his word.

There are 24 hours in every day, and I want to use every one of them being productive and really living. Because once again, this is my life and it's my responsibility to live it. My privilege and right to live it. This emotion, and joy, and excitement seems like pure sanity. Oh man! I'm going to have to copy this into my journal. Yeah, I'm listening to, who else but James Duke? Cause when I'm in this mood, only his music fits. Fancy that. I've used so much ink! Woah, I didn't buy extra ink because I wasn't expecting how quickly I'd use it. Oh well, I have blue ink. Which I don't/won't like as much as this black, but that's okay. I'm going to pour myself some tea. I think I'm coming down from the peak of my "I want to LIVE!!!" excitement. Which I suppose is good, because I do need to go to sleep at some point. I'm going to go to a couple of museums tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. I'm going to go all by myself and it's going to be really, really great. I'm going to enrich my life. (My ink is now half gone...) I'm excited about that, and everything else I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably read stuff for school. But that's okay, because I'm excited about learning as well. Because I'm going to be passionate about everything in my life. I'm going to pare, prune down my life to what's really important to me. Love, that's it, isn't it? I love my life, myself, and most importantly, God. And I think this joy about this year comes from God. Well, it's joy, so it pretty much has to come from God. Thank you Lord! So much love, all the time.

Yesterday, as I was walking, I pretended that the giant fluffy snowflakes floating down were angel kisses, kisses from God landing feather-light on my nose, cheeks, eyes. The thought made me smile and kept me smiling for a while. The mysterious smile of a person who has a happy secret. And today, while walking in the snow, the idea for a poem came. And I wrote it down and I'm pleased with it. It's perfect and wintery and magical. And I produced something. I made the world a better, happier place. Or at least, I made Kiersten happy, which amounts to basically the same thing. Every day, I want to be able to look at my day and point to one thing I'm proud of. I'm going to keep a record of these things. I seem to get the most brilliant ideas at one in the morning. The idea/decision to fast this month was made at about this time Monday night. And I'm okay/happy with that decision.

And yeah, the poem that I wrote is about love and togetherness and wishing your beloved was there with you. It's about the idea of real love and sticking to it and being comfortable and happy with each other. Not needing to talk to communicate. It's about a Smultronstalle, and bringing those you love into it.

Tonight, my brain and pen are running at the same speed. It's marvelous. It's right. Tonight, this, feels right. Feels correct. This music, this blackcurrant tea. This pen and notebook. These christmas lights. This time, 1:30 feels right. This is why I love winter. I love winter because of this mood, and how I can look out the window at the whiteness on the ground and know how cold it is outside, and how warm it is inside. I love it, so much. Oh, and another thing that's right is this pink sweater Grandma gave me. It's like a hug from my family every time I wear it. Plus, it's a good color for me. My tea is all gone... I love how this is so stream-of-consciousness. This is so great. I can't wait to get out and start doing stuff. I'm starting to feel sleepy, but I don't want to let this mood go. I don't want to say goodbye to this.

I love to devour books and movies and assorted things, so much so until they become part of the way I think and speak, until I don't remember where they come from because they're just a part of me. Until the words become part of my cadences, part of my speech. Until I don't realize that I'm quoting things. I have so much to devour this year. So much to take in and make a part of me. And I'm excited about life! Wherever this lust for life comes from, I hope it sticks around.

"I've felt alive before but I'm sane this week. Even hard labor feels good. Even staying up late cramming is rewarding and makes me radiate some sort of weird excitement. I can't decide what to credit this sudden "lust for life" to, but I'm surprised and delighted at its persistence and I hope that it remains with me.

I want to fly higher, every new day again."

This is what I do

Some Friday nights, when I'm in a weird sort of mood, I like to encourage this mood. So I read this and become weirdly nostalgic for the past and the future and the present. 4+ pages of rambling in a notebook with my new calligraphy pen (it's 2/3 of the way used up... oops) and it's now 1:40 in the morning. Maybe I'll post my ramblings tomorrow. Maybe I won't. But now, tonight, it's finally time for sleep. Goodnight, all.

I Want To Take A Stroll With You

I want to take a stroll with you

Along the winter streets and walks.

The silent snow and quiet steps

On the darkened familiar paths.

I'll lean against your shoulder blade,

My cheek against your coat.

My hand will find its way

Into yours inside your pocket.

The snow will fall from grey-blue clouds.

We'll have no place to be,

No destination final.

Just you and me

And all the silent world to see.

The dark will be our friend,

The silent world surrounding.

All others indoors will be

Hiding from the chill.

All save us, the lovers

Of the cold, of the midnight world.

Someday we'll bring our children 'long

These paths, beneath orange streetlamps;

Places hidden from such false light.

The snow will illuminate our way

Our trek through woods, up hills, along lanes.

Our silent exultation in the dark cold night,

Reveling in the loneliness,

The aloneness of we two.

I want to take a stroll with you.

So this is the New Year, and I don't feel any different...

But that's okay, because I rarely feel any different when it's the new year, or when it's my new year (aka on my birthday). I don't feel any different, but I am excited about this new year. It's going to be pretty freaking sweet! I mean, I have this long list of awesome things to do, and even if I only accomplish half of them, or three-quarters, it still will have been awesome. But I have faith in my ability to decrease world suck by doing everything on my Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome List. So this year is going to rock.

The Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome List: The Add-Ons

1. Read Mere Christianity
2. Practice Structured Procrastination more often
3. Grow Closer to James and Jesse
4. Deal with issues caused by event in childhood/forgive people
5. Reread LotR in a month
6. Read the Silmarillion
7. Be Bold
8. Name my newly acquired teapot
9. Fast something (for a month, week?)
10. Learn six new words and use them regularly
11. Write at least 5 appreciation letters
12. Have Deep and pointless theoretical conversations
13. Acquire at least two sundresses
14. Wear dresses/skirts at least once a week once it's warm (55 degrees and up)
15. Learn to juggle
16. Name all of my turtles
17. Road Trip?
18. Watch Dr. Who?
19. Start Using French the Llama in normal conversation

I have letters to write and books to read and vlogs to create and conversations to have and feelings to feel and hard work to do and friends to make and journals to fill. I have so much to accomplish this year. And I have a phenomenal group of friends to do everything with. I'm happy. Plus the year started out right, with Abby and Emily and I making ridiculous toasts with sparkling cherry juice and talking about everything that we're going to do this year. Before that, we spent the last hours of 2010 listening to music and putting together a puzzle. It was excellent. Later in the evening, in the wee hours of the first day of 2011, we looked through my old year books and I went on a nostalgia trip. We also looked through a couple of books from my childhood and I narrated the story instead of reading it. It was a wonderful story time with Hannah at 2:30 in the morning. You may get a story time reenactment on our vlog... possibly, if I feel like it.

It's sunny outside! And today I'm going to journal and start writing letters and learn how to use iMovie and right now I'm blogging. Basically today is going to be a full fun day of productivity and planning. I'm so excited about this year, and this month and this week and this day. I'm excited about right now. I'm so full of hope and so looking forward to the awesome things that are going to happen this year. I'm pretty excited to see what God is going to do in my life this year. Last year was great in relation to God doing major stuff in my life, and I can't wait to see what's going to happen this year as I go deeper into his love.

Bible Verse of the Day:

Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two of three come together in my name, there I am with them. Matthew 18:19-20