Once again, I have lost all faith in humanity from reading youtube comments. I know, I know. It's just that the videos I usually watch have people who comment nice, constructive things in polite ways. I forgot how most youtube video comments actually showcase the stupid in humanity.

Hey You!

Yeah you. Guess what?

Chances are, if you are reading this, I love you :)

So much goodness in the past week. God is so good and amazing and loving and everything that is good. Also, I have a lot more scripture memorized than I thought I did. But I want to memorize more. I am insatiable.

Spiritual Check-in, part 2

Mkay. So this is later in the week than I would have liked, but I'm doing it, and that's the important thing. I've fallen behind in my summer Bible reading plan, but that's okay. I'll just catch up in the nest few days. What I wanted to write about was a reminder I had during Church on Sunday. I do a lot of thinking during worship every week, sometimes about God and spiritual stuff, but as often as not my mind just wanders. I was thinking about how I had fallen behind in my reading plan, and I was feeling bad about it, when I just kind of remembered/realized that God is going to love me the same amount if I read the Bible for ten hours every day, or if I don't read it at all. His love for me is not dependent on some arbitrary spiritual marker I set myself. That isn't to say that there is no consequence to failing to achieve those spiritual markers, as they are often ways to get to know God better, and to have a deeper relationship with him, but they don't change his love for me.

It never rains but it pours.

So yeah, part five

I've just had a thought. In the interest of keeping youth group as united and fantastic as it's been the past several years, I propose a little pow-wow, a la Lindsay and Tori, the next time all the youth group meets. At this pow-wow, a few guidelines will be discussed for the continued pleasantness of the group.

Proposed Guideline #1: Speak the truth in love

Proposed Guideline #2: If you have a problem with someone else in youth group, talk to them first, in a polite and friendly way in an attempt to work it out. If this fails, talk to them with a few people in whom you trust and are outside of the drama. Do not spread drama to other people who cannot help in the reconciliation. (i.e. Gossip hurts)

Proposed Guideline #3: Youth group is a safe zone, and is a place for honesty to be put into practice. Please, just be yourself. We'll like you better that way, even if you don't like the things we like.

Proposed Guideline #4: Try to build others up, not tear them down.

So yeah, part four

And thus we come to the point where it is reaffirmed that I don't like drama and that I wish people would take the time to imagine others complexly. I'm okay now, I think. The whole thing no longer makes me any kind of angry. Just sad. Sad that people felt the need to point fingers and heavily imply that some people were being out of line. And double standards. Those annoy me, but right now they just make me sad, that the people holding them don't realize it. I just want everything to be over, and for everyone to just agree to forget and forgive about the whole thing. It never happened.

On a slightly different note, "holy dirty word!" is my new favorite exclamation.

So yeah, part three

Well, I'm no longer all that angry. Now I'm just sad, and a little angry, and crying. I wish people would think about tone before they posted things online. I wish people would think before they posted things online. And I can't figure out why I'm crying. There are probably five different good reasons, but I can't figure out which one it is.

So yeah, part two

"Oh look, I’m angry, that’s new. I’m really not sure what’s going to happen now."

Oh Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

So, yeah

Must... Remember... That... Yelling... Will... Not... Help... The... Situation...

On a completely unrelated note (/sarcasm), it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is determined that they are right, even when you know that they are completely incorrect. Which is incredibly frustrating.

You know how sometimes you just look at yourself and ask "What am I doing?" I"m currently sitting in the dark, watching the Doctor Who episode in which a giant wasp runs around murdering people with a lead pipe, and I'm eating dates and a banana and drinking a Jones Soda. What is my life?

An open letter to a friend who shall be nameless, and who probably doesn't read this blog

Dear ________,

It's very hard to start this letter, because I hardly know what I want to say. This can be a bit of a problem sometimes. I think part of the problem is that I'm occasionally socially awkward, and you are occasionally socially awkward, and somehow we are always unsure how to react around each other. Because see, I would like to be better friends with you. And I'm pretty sure that you would also like to be better friends with me. But we can never seem to bridge the gap and actually hang out more. And I really like you, as a human being. I truly admire you and respect your opinions as well as your taste in movies. You are smart, and make me laugh. You are one of my favorite people, and have been for two or three years now. I wish we could just be better friends. I think one of the problems is that even though you are socially awkward occasionally, I think you are really cool, and I don't want you to think that I'm strange, and I don't really know how to initiate becoming better friends with someone (I've been lucky with my best friends) and I'm afraid that if I tried, I would appear weird to you. Or my friendly offer to hang out could be construed in a different way, which would lead to awkwardness.

I read your blog (I found it one day, a while ago, when I was looking through your info on facebook, probably to see what your taste in movies was. I swear I'm not a stalker.) And I can see how lonely and sad you are sometimes. I read about how much you are hurting, and how you think that no one cares. And I want to say that I care. That I think you are a fantastic person, that you are deserving of love and acceptance. And I really wish you could be happier, I really want to see you with a brighter outlook on life.

And back when apparently everyone else thought you were a jerk, I still thought you were cool, and when people complained about you to me, I defended you. Because even then I could see how you were hurting, how much you needed someone else on your side, because it seemed like the world was out to get you. Everything was going wrong that spring for you, and I felt bad. It wasn't pity, I don't think, rather it was sympathy. (Why is pity considered bad and sympathy good? They mean basically the same thing) You needed someone to protect you and help you. And I'm only sorry I didn't do more. I'm sorry that I've never told you any of this, that I've never communicated how much I like you as a human being, that I've never offered a helping hand when you needed it. I'm only just starting to realize that although I am used to thinking of myself as selfless and friendly, I've actually been really self-absorbed in my own shyness and introvertedness.

Your friend Hannah

Current mood: This song

Tonight

I'm reading old letters and laughing my head off, when I'm not holding off tears. But yeah, it's kind of amazing how much I've changed in the past year. And reading sentences that I wrote then that I would never write now made me remember/realize that we always feel so superior to our past selves, ("Who I am hates who I've been") but then we change some more, and look back again and go "I really didn't have a clue back then." And it's this continual cycle that I haven't broken out of yet. Do you ever outgrow it?

Also, sometimes it's pretty funny to read something that has since proved rather prophetic, or reading something that in the current context turns out to be rather funny. So yeah, old letters. Good times.

You know how sometimes you try to distract yourself from thinking about something, and most times it doesn't work, but sometimes it does? And then you're all happy and ladida until all of a sudden you slow down/stop distracting yourself and you realize you were distracting yourself? And then of course your mind immediately goes "now what was that thing I wasn't supposed to be thinking about?" and you remember what you had been trying to, and succeeding in, forgetting. Yeah.

Books occasionally make me go Bwahahaha!

Sometimes, when I finish a book, I'm just happy. Also, as I was reading the last chapter of the book I just finished, I came across a paragraph that made me laugh really hard and go "Reading all 300+ pages up until this point would have worth it just for this paragraph!" Also, I'm sorry if my sentence structure is kind of weird right now; the book I just finished had very interesting sentences, and now I'm thinking in the same sort of weird structure. Yeah. If you're interested, the book is called Dragonhaven by Robin McKinley. I would recommend it.

Spiritual Check-in, week one

So Emily and I decided to try and keep each other accountable for spiritual goals. By spiritual goals I mean like praying or reading the Bible or reading spiritual books or etc. So yeah. Basically this past week I started doing this read the New Testament in 90 days thing. And I did pretty well on reading every day. Except yesterday, when I was hanging out with Emily all day. I was reading the beginning of Matthew, which was interesting. I haven't read any of the gospels in a while, and it was kind of fun to reread all of the Bible stories I learned in Sunday School.

I MADE A DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY! I just need to add pockets to the front, and then I'll be all done. But basically, the dress is done, and I'm currently wearing it!

Vloggity vloggity vloggity

So instead of going out and buying hipster clothes with Emily (I'm still not sure what exactly a hipster female wears that makes her a hipster), I worked on hand sewing a dress. Not sure if that's hipster or not, but it's very do it yourself, which I think is part of the hipster culture. So yeah. And here's the vlog where I talk about it.

Summer goals/UAoA update

So I've decided to try to write in my journal every day this month, and not worry about how much I write, but just write. I'm also reading Lord of the Rings, and trying to read some every day, but not any specified amount. I'd forgotten how much I like reading LotR, and how great it truly is. And I'm doing this 90 day reading plan for the New Testament, which is going well. It's basically just a few chapters every day, so not all that much. I think I might try to vlog every couple of days.

The Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome List:

(x=accomplished, /=partially accomplished or in progress)

{}=deleted or changed

[/] Study things that are interesting to me

[] Memorize a book of the bible

[] Journal like crazy

[/] Color a lot more in my coloring books

[] Look at the Stars until 2 in the morning

[/] Stay up all night talking (I'm going to say the Lock-in counted)

[] Go to Chicago

{[/] Dance all night} Changing to attend/make a dance party happen. It's fine if it's an impromptu dance party, as long as everyone is dancing and there is music (Again, I'm going to say the lock-in counted)

[] {Sign Language?} French

[] Learn how to apply make-up

[x] Dress Up for no reason

[x] Have a tea party :D

[x] Buy more tea

[x] Buy a New Teapot!/Fix Camille

[/] Pen Pals!

[x] Photo shoot

[/] Walk through Kalamazoo with Emily, singing along the way

[/] Have more Kalamazoo adventures

[] Finish my dress

[x] Become comfortable with my singing voice

[] Reread Fahrenheit 451

[] Read Last Words of Notable People

[/x] Own/Read all of John Green's books

[x] Watch every Vlogbrother's video

[/] Read a lot of poetry

{[] Read The Hunger Games}

[] Read Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

[] Read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

[] Read two Shakespeare plays I haven't read before

[] Read the Phantom Tollbooth

[x] Wear my Octopi shirt

[x] Have fun awesome walking adventures with some of my favorite people

[] Camp out in my backyard with some of my favorite people

[/] Blog about interesting stuff, not just keep a type of online journal

[] Write a short story

[] {Do the Romans 8 thing Emily, Kiersten and I talked about} Keep Emily accountable for the Bible/theology thing we talked about

[x] See at least one musical

[x/] Go to shows and artsy things

[x] Go to at least one museum

[x] Think about my life, a lot

[/] Read my bible every day. Maybe read the new testament in three months or something like that.

{[] Make my people/ideas/quotes/inside jokes book}

{[] Index my journals by people}

[/] Hang out with people more

[] Decrease World Suck [I'm not sure how to measure this...]

[/] Learn how to do the nerdfighter salute

[x] Read Mere Christianity

[/] Practice Structured Procrastination more often

{[] Grow Closer to James and Jesse}

[/] Deal with issues caused by event in childhood/forgive people

[/] Reread LotR in a month

[] Read the Silmarillion

[/] Be Bold

{[] Name my newly acquired teapot} This one has been rendered redundant

[x] Fast something (for a month)

[] {Learn six new words and use them regularly} When exposed to new words, actually try to remember them

[] Write at least 5 appreciation letters

[] Have Deep and pointless theoretical conversations

[] Acquire at least two sundresses

[/] Wear dresses/skirts at least once a week once it's warm (55 degrees and up)

[] Learn to juggle

[/] Name all of my turtles

{[] Road Trip?} Not this year

[x] Watch Dr. Who

[] Start Using French the Llama in normal conversation

[/] Memorize five poems

[] {Read all seven Harry Potter books in a week} Read all seven Harry Potter books this summer before the movie comes out

[/] Help others accomplish their UAoA lists

[/] Get rid of excess stuff/pare down my material goods/give them to a charity

[/] Pare down my facebook friends list

[] Get a tattoo

The most recent additions:

[] Get a haircut

[] Be a hipster with Emily

[x] Vlog every day in May (29 out of 31 isn't too bad)

[] Journal every day in June

[] Vlog every couple of days

[] Go see the Harry Potter movie opening night

Summer Days

Here's to finishing my to-do list by One o'clock. I'm going to go have a Jones soda with my lunch.