I just watched the Doctor Who Christmas special and now I feel a lot better :)

On Family and the Holidays (and other ramblings)

It is two days after Christmas now.  And I am very, very glad to be back home.  It's not that I don't love my extended family.  It's just that the greatest benediction I could ever give is this: "May you never be as stubborn as my grandfather."  He is stubbornly clinging to the idea that he is the same as he's always been, that he can do everything he always could do, and that he's always right, even in the face of incontestable evidence. Thank God for my grandmother, who can handle him some of the time, and for one of my aunts, who handles him the rest of the time.  Because he is old, and frail, and unsteady on his feet.  His hands shake, and he is not capable of doing everything he wants to do.  And while I understand his fierce struggle for independence and control (I do understand. I do), the fact is that my grandfather is not an easy person to be around when he's trying to do something he can't, or when he is wrong and you are right beyond a shadow of a doubt, but he won't see that.  I love him, but I prefer to do it from a distance.  Especially when being around family just sucks up all of my people-energy.  But all in all it was a good Christmas.  I received a Doctor Who tee-shirt from my cousin and her fiance, who are also Whovians, and who I enjoy talking to.  I didn't get many other presents because we still have another one or two Christmases to go, and those ones are the ones where I typically get a larger percentage of my Christmas gifts.

We were at my grandparents for the last day and a half, and I spent most of the time reading.  And I don't know.  I really want to just hang out with my friends now.  For the next week until I have to go back to school.  I hate that break is so short.  I should have come back to Kalamazoo on Sunday night so I could have spent more time with people that I really wanted to spend time with instead of using up time reading for hours and hours until I could come home again and do what I really wanted to do.  And now I feel really disconnected from everyone, despite being in the same city.  I just don't know.  It's really complicated to try and figure out what I really want, what I really think, and I'm inside of me.  What about other people?  How can I ever really know other people?  I guess I just have to trust that the person that they show me is really person that they are inside.

“Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more of less if they could see inside of you?...If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone, love me?” 

Sometimes I believe that what this quote is saying is true, and sometimes I don't.  Because I see inside of myself and see bad things, but also good things.  And other people have shown me things from deep inside of them.  I have held my friends as they have cried-wept-for the shame and sadness of the things inside of them.  And I have not hated them for it.  I have loved them more fully.  I have rejoiced when my friends have shown weakness, and loved them all the more for their vulnerability, for letting me see inside of them a little more.  Regardless of whether I believe in the truth of it or not (apparently I currently do not believe in its veracity), it is a quote that I enjoy.  I enjoy the language of it, the slight wistfulness and sadness that it communicates.  And for some reason it popped into my head tonight.  Quotes keep doing that.  I suppose it's what happens when you start collecting them.

I don't really know my own mind tonight, but I do know that I do not want to go to sleep.  Something in me rebels against it.  I want my friends, I want to talk and cuddle and just be with those I love who are not my family.  And maybe I'm just feeling a little lonely and sad and alone tonight.  I suppose I have been for several days.  And this isn't how Christmas is supposed to be.  It's supposed to be lights and cheer and love and Jesus and family and friends and warmth.  And instead it's been exhaustion and expending effort and loneliness and waiting and hours and hours of reading.  Which is basically what the previous two or three weeks were.

And now I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I wish you were here to hold me until all my sad feelings go away.

Almost Christmas

And it's going to be a good one.  The thing about this year, though, is that we're having several Christmases spread out over two weeks.  So even though tomorrow is Christmas, it's not as concentrated as in years past, if that makes sense.  But I get to go to church and see my friends and give them presents so I'm excited about that :)

Things I like

One:
John Zainea and the Mania


Two:
Being home

Three:
Vihart


Four:
Christmas shopping with my father

Five:
You :)

Words cannot express just how lovely it is to be back home.

My soul is beginning to remember what rest feels like.

I don't feel like I might be going a little insane here, like I do at school.

It's just so, so lovely and nice to be home.

Yesterday was potentially the best birthday ever.

Yeah... It was pretty awesome for a number of reasons, including the fact that we had a little Birthday party in our room.  We sat in the blanket fort, colored in coloring books, ate cheesecake, gummi worms, and a giant cookie cake and then watched Anastasia.  It was pretty great.  And some other fantastic stuff happened.  I would elaborate on that, but I almost don't know how to say it in a way that would fully convey why it made me so so happy.  Not even happy-joyful.  Let's just say that a couple somethings that I've been wanting (and thinking were never ever going to happen) for a long, long time happened.

It's My Birthday! Yay!

I'm no longer a teenager.  Yay?  That's really weird.  But okay.  I'm okay with not being a teenager anymore.  I'm okay with this.  I'm going to go to sleep, and then when I wake up I will eat breakfast, study a little bit for my exam, and then take it.  And then it will be over.  And I will be happy.  Very very happy :)

So this just happened

Alyssa and Ria are behaving like five year olds.
Me: *long-suffering sigh*
Alyssa, giggling: "Hannah went to college and had two children"
Ria: "And they behaved very well..."

Studying is apparently not high on my list of priorities

I spent a large chunk of time today on Project for Awesome, as well as working on a mix CD.  Also knitting.  Because that's my new thing.  Also, you should watch this.  Because it is absolutely amazing, and  they are fun to watch.

T-minus three days

The next three days are going to be a battle between my curiosity and my self-control.  I already know that my self-control has won, but my curiosity doesn't know yet.  So Aaron, I guess that you succeeded in your goal of giving me something to look forward to on Monday :)

Studying for Orgo = watching movies, knitting, having tea, taking naps, going to the library.  Oh, and looking over my notes a little bit in between all of that.  My priorities are obviously in the correct order.

"If you don't say the honest thing, it never becomes true."

A side effect to gathering favorite quotes for my quote book is that they're all in my head readily accessible, and therefore my brain likes to apply them to whatever I'm thinking about.

So I'm finally looking at my orgo exams

And the problem on the past exam that I had no clue what I was doing, and figured that I would get no points on, I got full credit.  That problem was worth more than 10% on the exam.  What?  I mean, I'm okay with it, I just don't really know how I did it.  Anyway, it's time to study Organic chem and listen to Five Iron Frenzy.  I never voluntarily listened to them growing up, but my brothers did, and so this music is familiar.  I know these songs, even though I haven't heard them in many, many years.  And they're back together!  And making new music.  Cool cool.  Study time!


Also, I have decided to redesign how my blog looks.  Do you like it?  I do.

I don't even know how I am right now.

My stomach is a little upset, but that might be from eating too much fondue at the fondue restaurant this evening.  Our waiter was totally flirting with all four of us, and it was entertaining.  I haven't really started studying for my exams, and it hasn't sunk in that my fall classes are all over except for my exams.  I am a bit preoccupied with other things - other things on my mind right now - and I basically just want to be done and in Kalamazoo right now.  But I've got another week before that happens.  Oh well.  Everything is going to be fine.

I am tired

I took an hour and a half nap today.  And I'm still tired.  I have things that I want to do before I go to sleep, though, so I might not go to sleep for an hour or so.  I don't know.  I just read a delightful little book, which was exactly what I needed and wanted this evening.  I started knitting another scarf, having finished my first one.  And I did basically no schoolwork.  I'll regret this decision sometime in the future, but for now, I'm perfectly okay with it.

I can't wait to come home.

Psalm 37:3-8

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.

I found these verses this morning, and they're basically what God has been teaching me (head-knowledge to heart-knowledge and practice) for the past month and a half.

"I've just decided that I'm a translator!"

Reflection on the concept of Translation

Word to word

phrase to phrase

voice to voice

Meaning stays constant

words change

new sounds

to convey

the same ideas.

This is translation.

And yet.

And yet-

there is more.

Translation from

technical-speak

(gibberish to those of us not in the know)

to lay words.

And the translation of ideas to speech as well.

The words of others

that hold greater meaning

than the words themselves imply-

I am a translator,

despite being monolingual.

I am a translator.

I translate the looks

and smiles

and tones

of others

into their meaning.

I translate conversations

and looks

and events

into stories,

disregarding the things that don't fit,

so my life can make some sort of sense.

The way the ancients

looked up at the vastness of the stars

and created pictures out of the chaos.

A translation of stars into stories.

I'm transcribing things today

Preparing them for inclusion into my book of favorite quotes/lyrics/poems/passages/text-based media, etc.  It's kind of fun.  A bit time consuming, but fun.  I've spent many hours over the past three years working on this project, on and off.  I'm pretty pleased with the product so far, a book of my favorite words and phrases.  I've filled up 35% of it, and have quite a number of things ready to write in it.  Anyway, I transcribed the entirety of the lyrics to George Watsky's spoken word poem "Go Big, Young Friends" and thought that I would post them.  Enjoy!  *note: profanity


Go Big, Young Friends by George Watsky

Being fifteen is terrifying

So is stage diving

Especially when your peers' biceps look like deflated bicycle tires.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I took AmTrak two hours to UC Davis with Victoria to see TLR sensations Sum 41 live in concert.

Because I thought she might kiss me at the end of the night if I did.

There was an efficient system in place.

The kids - we waited in a single file line as a security guard guided us up the stairs and onto a designated like free speech zone corner of the stage from which we were allowed to bellyflop carefully into the audience and crowd surf for about two yards before being dropped off safely, a newly minted teenage badass.

Let me tell you, there were pooka shells, cargo shorts, and knee high tube socks everytwhere.

It was pure pop punk rock chaos.

Controlled, well-sanctioned, all ages chaos!

Victoria took a break from head-banging to fat lip to look me up and down to see what I was made off.

Because it was my turn to jump next.

There was a moshpit in my chest.

I knew those kids would drop me

Those squirrelly little runts?

They'd freaking drop me!

And crack my scapula, I'd sprain my ass, or skin my knee

A stiff wind would drop those kids, and they'd drop me!

I am sorry to say I didn't jump.

I took the walk of shame, away

And not that sweet walk that I'm told that old kids take the morning after they get laid,

but the lame walk that craven cowards take while braver freshman, even braver seventh graders rage.

Eight years ago, I stood on Finals stage for the first time and I took a deep confident pause

because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt

that I was about to vomit in front of two thousand people

and then I didn't

And I finished my poem and everyone clapped and I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

I have no idea how rent is going to handle itself six months from now.

But that’s for rent to worry about! 

The future is a hunk of clay.

I see the shape that mine should take and chip away a little every day.

I don’t want to cut away the part of me that gets afraid.
I don’t want to numb myself.
I’m not fearless.

But, goddammit, I’m wearing brand new socks right now,
And I feel like I’m walking on a cloud bank on the top of Mount Olympus
With two katanas strapped behind my back,
Eye of the Tiger,
Heart of the Turtle,
Ice water in my veins,
A bag of bones breaking,
Owning the area,
Conan the Barbarian,
Rearing to give it up and bellow to the gods: I don’t give a fuck!

And by that I mean I give so much of a fuck,
That the fuck I give consumes me,
Like a huge, man-eating wildebeest of a fuck,
Or a school of thousands of tiny piranha fucks.

I care so annoyingly much.

But getting the jitters means you give a shit.

Scared, is just “cared” with a lisp.

This stage - this stage is every girl I never kissed

and I refuse to die tight lipped.

So please, leave every mic ripped in my crypt

I love the lump in my gullet, the knot in my stomach the minute I take flight

I need the stress

and if I plummet from the summit

I died in easy death

this world is a foxy hottie,

a hotchy matchy MDTF

and yes, we'll be tested, again and again

But riding your adrenalin to your impossible dream

and if your heart beats right out of your chest let it swim upstream

Become the one you long to be

anyone who's every felt a breeze believes in what they cannot see

Me, as I know it, was born on this stage

which makes you my momma bird

you could never hurt me

and when you open up your throats and beaks

you feed me, no you baby bird me

But what I wanna know, is if I were to do something I've never done before, 

something stupid

A most unwise of things

and leap into my destiny

like the majestic albatross

would you be the wind beneath my wings?

I won't say please

HEY! Did someone just say swag? NO! that was just the breeze.

So my computer has decided to be a little crazy today, and I'm not super happy with it right now.  I don't know what the problem is, but it's really obnoxious.  And I hope that it's not a virus or a bug or something. Cause that would really, really suck.  Anyway, I think I might go to sleep early tonight, because I'm kind of tired and need sleep.  Or I could study.  I don't know.  I don't want to study.  I don't know what I would rather be doing.  And I don't exactly want to go to sleep early either.  I just don't know.

***

Look what I made!

It no longer exists, cause I broke it up into it's composite parts once the presentation for my class was over.  But it was cool while it lasted!  I'll see if I can post a link to the recorded presentation if any of you want to see it.  Bah, too complicated.  Oh well.

Tired.  So tired.  But everything is going to be okay in the end.  Also, two of the guys on my hall are such boys.  They are such boys.  *shakes head and laughs*  Bedtime for Hannah!

This is how I feel this morning

It's been a long, long day (In which I talk about my day, missing people, and bird shit)

And I am very glad that it's over.  But tomorrow is going to be yet another long day, and on and on, until Winter break.  I hope today is the longest, though.  I couldn't handle more days like this one.  Too much in one day.  Way too much.  And no time to think about it and catch my breath.  Ah well.

I really miss all of you in Kalamazoo right now.  It almost feels like my life here in Ann Arbor isn't real, like it's a weird dream or something, and there is no one I can truly rely on here.  That isn't true, of course, but it sometimes seems like it.  Or maybe it's like there is no one here that truly knows me, really, deeply.  I don't know.  All I know is that I miss Emily and Kiersten and Gwen and Abby and Aaron and my Dad and my Mom and everyone back home.  And my brothers.  I miss everyone, and I just want to relax and be refreshed.  I just want all of this to be over.  There is too much on my plate right now and I'm going insane.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be crazy.  Would you know that you are crazy?  I don't know.  I think it might almost be a relief sometimes.  These are the same times when I wish I were a cat sleeping in the sun, or a dog barking as squirrels.  Side note about squirrels:  the Ann Arbor squirrels aren't the scariest/most annoying animals on campus (not that I think that they are scary or annoying).  No.  It's the crows.  There are hundreds of them, maybe even a thousand.  And they roost in the trees at night, and the quantity of bird shit (I would say crap, but the quantity and quality of it quantifies it as shit) that ends up on the sidewalk is astronomical.  If you walk by one of their trees at night you will here the splatting of it on the pavement.  It is so disgusting and I hate the crows so much.

I could keep rambling on and on about everything, but I am literally exhausted, and so am going to go to bed now.  Goodnight.  I love you all.

God is good

All the time.

***

So recently (I mean in the past three, four weeks), God has been moving in my life.  It hasn't been flashy, or happening in brief intense moments.  No, it's been a slow, gradual, deep current in my life, and all the more powerful for it.  A man's heart is deep waters and all that.  What God has been teaching me, and doing in my life, has been about trust.  Trusting him for my value and worth.  Trusting him that his plan for my life is going to be better than anything that I might pick for myself.  Trusting him that he knows best, and that he can give me strength and courage when I am too afraid to move on my own.  And I've been trusting him with all those things that I've constantly given lip-service to giving to him, but never actually done in my heart.  School is important, but in the end, it's God who has given me my mind and my talent for learning things, and I can trust that if I focus on him, my schoolwork will not suffer irreparably, and if it does, then God will open up another door.  Also, my friendships.  It's God's place to give love and value and worth to my friends, not mine.  That doesn't mean that I can't be used as an agent, that God doesn't show others his love through me, but it does mean that I don't need to convince them that I love them and they have worth.  And all of this makes me feel so free.  I know, so deeply, that God is there.  He's right here next to me, waiting to catch me when I stumble, holding out his hand to lead me so I won't stumble.  And I trust him.  So I am free to skip in public if I am filled with joy, or climb a tree even though I am almost no longer a teenager.  I am free to sing loudly, even if my voice is not the best, and I am free to risk, because I know that even if I fail, I will never fall.

I find I have no energy this evening.  I just want to sit here, and do nothing that requires a lot of effort.  Unfortunately, I have to finish this assignment the next two hours.  And I'm not all that pleased with how it's going thus far.  But that doesn't matter all that much in the end.  As long as it's done, it'll be fine, as it's a rough draft.  But I have quite a bit of other work I need to get done in the next three days.  Oh well.

Reading this over it sounds like I'm in a bad mood.  I'm not.  I'm in a tired, happy mood right now, which is better than how I was all day.  It's just not conducive to getting work done.

On the holiday spirit

I feel as if, if I had believed in him, someone had told me that Santa wasn't real.  The first blow was when we were told that we couldn't hang our wreath on our door because it stuck out too far.  I understood that.  It was dorm policy, and they seemed to be sorry that we had to take it off of our door.  Still, it made me sad.  And just now, I discovered that someone had torn the garland off of our doorframe and stolen it.  I understand having no Christmas spirit, but destroying someone else's?  That's just plain mean.  Also, destroying someone else's property?  That's not very cool, not cool at all.  Well, people or person who took the garland, I hope you're pleased with yourself, because you are a jerk.  I'm going to go to sleep before my sadness turns into anger that will not accomplish anything.