Regarding Spring Break

So.  Spring Break.  Basically, it was freaking amazing!  Like, oh my word so incredible and fantastic and God is so good.  There is so much that I could say, so much that I could tell, but I only have so much time, and I don't want to overburden you guys with pages and pages of stuff.  So I'll try to keep it on the shorter side.

To begin with, I was put into a vehicle with two people whose names I knew, and someone I had never met before, and it turned out to be so awesome.  In fact, I think that one of the moments during the trip when I felt the most alive was on that first eight hour car ride to Knoxville.  We got coffee from one of the few Tim Hortons in Ohio, and then preceded to refer to ourselves as the caffeine car.  There were many shenanigans in the vehicle, and it was just so much fun, so much community.  Also, this trip has fostered in me an appreciation and - dare I say it - a liking for country music (out of the approximate 40 hours in a vehicle, we listened to country for 30 hours).  The remaining twelve (actually more like fourteen) hours in the car the next day were good as well, with more silliness as well as more personal conversations, kingdom talk, if you will.  Friendship bracelets were made and exchanged between some members of our caravan, and it was a great trip, despite the two hour detour for a brushfire once we actually got to Florida.  Also, I had my first Chick-fil-A, which was tasty, but I did not appreciate the sweet tea.  I don't know.  Tea should be bitter, like coffee (I drink it black, when I do drink it).

The next six days were freaking amazing.  Extended time on the beach was good.  I often had trouble focusing, and I much prefer to talk to God about whatever I have on my mind than go through a plan someone else has put together, but I still got good things out of it.  I think that God wanted me to rest with him, and so even when I had trouble with letting my thoughts fuzz and fade out, I didn't fight it too hard, and was just content to sit on the beach with Him, enjoying the weather and the scenery in front of me.

The talks were good as well, and even when they were about things that I had heard before, or things that I already had internalized, I still got good things out of them about my new reality.  But the focus of the trip, at least for me, and for pretty much everyone else as well, based on things people were saying, was the community.  One of the last talks was on the Church as family, and it was so good.  So so good.  And the whole rest of the trip was basically everyone acting that out in beautiful and touching ways.

Brothers and sisters were a major theme of the week, and there was so much fraternal love.  The girls were sharing clothes, hair-products, straighteners, air mattresses, sunscreen, everything.  The men (I'm making a conscious effort to refer to the males of my acquaintance here at college as men instead of guys or boys in an attempt to honor them), while I can't say much about how they interacted among themselves in the absence of us females, were so great around us.  They served us and each other, doing extra work in the kitchen to serve and clear away food, volunteering to do slightly less desirable tasks, sacrificing things like their shower and one of their bathrooms for four hours in the morning so we girls could shower.  They respected the modesty guidelines on the beach, keeping their shirts on when in the presence of us females and not in the water (we did the same, wearing one-pieces, tankinis, or tank-tops over bikinis when in their presence).  They served us dinner on Thursday, escorting us, giving us roses, decorating, and just generally being super considerate and loving.  They were willing to be open and vulnerable in group settings.  Basically, they were freaking awesome and loved us women so well, and I was so honored to spend a week with them and call them brothers.  God also brought up some stuff with one of my actual brothers... (actual brother, blood brother, real brother... genetic brother? I need a good term to differentiate this.  Or maybe I don't.  Maybe that's the whole point of it, you know?)  So I have that to process with God now.

This isn't to say that everything was great and that negative or painful things never came up.  There was at least one point where I was basically crying and wrestling with God for an hour in the midst of everyone else rejoicing, but even that was good.  That hurt was necessary for God to get me to let go of something I didn't want to let go of.  We were having a time of affirmation, a lovefest if you will, where people said the things they saw in others.  I volunteered to go first, because no one else was (it ended up only being two of us volunteering before the leader running it just started picking people to go).  That decision was what precipitated the intense emotional reaction I experienced.  See, people were still adjusting to the idea of what we were going to do, and that led to fewer people coming up to give me words of affirmation, especially from the male population.  Only two men said things to me, and they were two people I did not especially expect to do that.  What they did say was beautiful and impacted me, and what the girls said was lovely and loving as well.  But still.  I have such a deep desire for masculine love, not even romantic love, but just masculine love, brotherly love.  A strong, protective kind of love.  And I know that I will never be satisfied completely in this life.  I know that.  But I always desire more. And so I cried out to God, in between going up and giving words of affirmation to my brothers and sisters, and just gave him my pain, my desires.  I acknowledged that he could fill the part of my heart that hungered for love, that if I depended upon him, hungered for him in the way I hungered for my brothers' love, then I would be satisfied.  That isn't to say that I don't need the love from my brothers and sisters, but rather that shouldn't be my first priority, shouldn't be the thing that I am dependent upon.  So yes, it was intensely painful.  I was dealing with a part of my heart that was so deep, and so deeply hurt by this world.  A lot of you know a lot of my story, and much of that story involves emotional hurt and fear of connection with my brothers and sisters.  But even in that pain, it was good.  God was good.  He was pursuing me, and loving me, and freeing me.  And then, after that time was over and we collected our belongings again, I found that I had a text from someone I am proud to call a brother asking how I was.  You have no idea how much that impacted me, and how much I was praising God for His goodness at that.  Thank you, Elijah. :)

And then the ride back was wonderful and great.  We were encouraged to switch vehicles to facilitate greater bonding with everyone, but our vehicle stayed the same the entire ride.  We talked a lot of kingdom talk, shared a lot of vulnerable and personal things, and just loved on each other.  I taught the sole male in our vehicle how to make friendship bracelets, and he made one for all of the women in our caravan and two of the men as well.  One of the vehicles had a flat tire, so there was some frustration and annoyance over that, but it ended up leading to a time of greater vulnerability afterwards in our kingdom talk, so I can't regret that it happened.

All in all, it was an amazing week of friendship, fun, and God.  Of family and love.  Of joy and sunburn and dance parties.  It was an amazing experience, and I am so glad that I said yes to God, even when I wanted to do something else originally.  I got to see the church as a family, in a deeper and more concrete way.  I got to see and celebrate two baptisms.  I got to see people change over the week, see them trusting God more and finding peace in difficult situations.  I'm so glad I went, so glad I got to know everyone, so glad for the community (and unity) that occurred.  God is good.

[all photo credits go to Lexie, Alyssa, and Karen. :) Love you!]