Messy

I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and fearful and just kind of messy right now.  I'm kind of super emotional, which is frustrating to deal with on a monthly basis, but it is what it is.  And I've gotten a lot better at letting go of my attempts to control my moods and emotions, gotten better at being okay with crying a lot more than I used to and at more things than I used to.  But I still don't like crying in places where other people can see that aren't church or church related things.  And right now I feel like crying, but I'm in my room with Ria and Alyssa, and I don't want them to notice and ask me questions.  I don't want to talk about it with them, I don't want their concern or attention right now.  And so I can't cry the way I want to.

I'm scared.  I'm trying to trust God, trying to figure out my summer, my next two months, but it's scary.  My bank account is rather low right now, as in I will not be spending like any money in the next two months, and will probably need to borrow money until I get a job and can pay it back.  And a job is another thing.  I have the advice to try to become a research assistant, which involves so much trust, so much expending of energy.  It is so scary to me, trying to do new things.  Whereas getting a job in facilities for the summer would be so much easier and less scary, in my mind.

I have way to much to finish tonight to write more.  Everything seems way too hard right now.  But I know that it's really not.  I know that my hormones are having little hormone parties right now, having fun messing with my mind and emotions.  I know it.  I know that things aren't the way they feel.  But I still feel them.

Edit:  God is ridiculous sometimes, you know that?  He just likes to throw things into your lap when you ask for them sometimes.  I'm shaking right now, and am about to email a professor about the exact job that would be perfect for me this summer.  So yeah.  Hopefully this story has a freaking awesome ending. :)