Leaps of Faith

Okay.  So I'm currently on the Greyhound on my way back to school, after having spent the weekend at home.  I really enjoyed it, seeing everyone and hanging out.  There were a few points where I was a bit overwhelmed by people, but I was able to chill out and regain my energy, which was great.  And I got to see everyone at home that I wanted to and planned on seeing, which was good.  I didn't have the in-depth conversations I wanted to have with some of them, but we still got to talk anyway.  So yeah, this weekend was good.

The past week has been... um, interesting would be an appropriate term, I guess.  Stretching? Full? Draining and filling?  All of the above?  It started with making friendship bracelets till 1:30 in the morning and included many other late nights (and friendship bracelets.  Yay community!).  I can hardly remember everything that happened this week, but as I rarely go in strict chronological order on this blog, that's okay.  So, what major events/themes have been a part of the past seven days?  Faith. Learning to listen better. Learning to serve and die to myself so as to love others better.  Yeah.

Let's see.  So I think (I can't check because I can't get online right now) that I wrote several weeks back about how God seemed to be asking me to stretch myself and try to get a job as a lab/research assistant, and how I had been taking some preliminary steps towards that goal.  Well, on Monday night (I think) I was talking to God and just being like "God! Everything seems really hard right now and I just don't feel like I can do this, because it's just so incredibly hard and I don't know if I can deal with all of the stretching that you are doing in my life right now and I'm stressed about LT money stuff and I need a job and blah!" etc.  Basically I was like God, I'm going to trust in you, but I need you to come through for me asap.  So on Tuesday afternoon, I get onlinel to find an email from someone in the Earth and Environmental Science department looking for research assistants in their lab for the summer and going into the fall.  Basically, everything about this would be absolutely perfect for me.  I sent an email, and I haven't heard back yet, but I still feel confident that God's favor is on me in this situation and that His Will will be done.  So that's been fun times.

Wednesday I had a meeting with Mikey, my New Life Team leader, which was great.  We got coffee and talked for an hour and a half? Two hours?  Anyway, it was really great to talk like that because I really respect him and enjoy having him ask me questions about my life, because I learn a lot about myself from it.  Sadly, this was only the second such conversation that we have had like that in the past two and a half years. :(  Anyway, it was super great and I came away from it deciding to trust God to provide me the money so I could go to Women at the Cross in April (which is kind of super crazy from a common sense standpoint, as I'm still trying to figure out money for LT and living in Ann Arbor before I get my first paycheck (I really hate asking to borrow and borrowing money, but I probably will have to anyway(no, I will unless God comes through in some crazy awesome way))).  I don't know that much about WATC other than that it's a weekend about healing, about breaking through walls in your life, but at least four people from New Life really seemed to want me to go, and I should listen to those who are in spiritual leadership over me, 'cause it's good for my life and soul.  So I'm going to go, even though I have no idea about the logistics of it all, and even though it has occasionally stressed me out in the past five days (There may have been crying fits/emotional breakdowns.  Though to be honest, ever since I decided that trying to have a "stable" emotional state and not allow things to affect me (ie not allow myself to cry until it gets to be way to much and I have a breakdown) is not actually a good way to live my lfie, I've been crying a whole lot more.  Which I think is a good thing.).  I have been stepping out in faith, and doing things that Mikey has asked me to do, even though they were pretty much the opposite of what I wanted to do in the moment.  Argh.  Walking in a place of trusting God sometimes feels like walking on a tightrope when I have had very little experience on it. (Even though in real life I have had a little bit of experience slacklining.  Anyway...) So I'm trying to raise $95 for it (I got a $100 scholarship and Mikey is raising the other $200) and it would be really awesome if any of you people who read my blog would like to support me in this.  If you do, you can just get ahold of me on facebook and we'll figure it out. :)  So I'm registered for that now.  Cray cray.

When I was home this weekend I got to be a part of a conversation between some people I love about some other people whom I also really love and situations that are not as they could be.  I was really proud to see them taking initiative to fix problems that they saw, and recognizing that they had their own part in it all.  I was really glad that I was able to be there and help facilitate that discussion in some small way.  But it hurts to see people I care about not getting their needs met in the church and relational context that they are in.  I understand how messed up the world is, and that people are people and fallible, but it still hurts.  And these are people whom I really love a whole freaking lot.  I would be willing to sacrifice so much for them if I was in a position where that would help matters; if I didn't feel led to be much more invested in my church community here at school, I would love to just pour into them.  Not that I can't invest in them now, but I can't do it to the extent that my heart would like to.  And it breaks my heart sometimes that I can't love and serve them the way I long to.  I love you guys. :) But through it all, I am choosing to trust God.  Even when it is freaking crazy by the world's standards, I am trusting in his goodness, and his providence, and his love.  He can provide for me even in the most dire situations and even if He doesn't, He is still good and He still loves me.  He can love others infinitely better than I can ever hope to.  His goodness is bigger and greater than words can ever express.

To wrap it all up, in church this morning, during worship, someone asked "What would trusting God in your current situation look like?" and this picture popped into my head.  I was balancing hesitantly on a tightrope far above the ground, taking small, cautious steps and generally being super timid because I was scared of falling despite the safety net below.  Then the picture changed to if I trusted God, and instead of being timid and scared, I would be dancing on the tightrope, twirling and leaping deftly from one rope to another, trusting that if I fell He would catch me, but more than that, that He was in the air and would catch me even as I started to fall, that even before I needed a net He would right me and save me and put me back securely on the rope.