Steps, forward and backward

Oh hey.  It's blog post time again.  And I... well, I honestly don't feel like writing much tonight, so we'll just see how this goes, all right?

Sometimes, with God it feels like I take two steps forward and then one step back, or maybe even one step forward and then one slightly smaller step back.  I end up closer to him, but only a little bit at a time, after advancing a large amount in a short amount of time.  Which is frustrating.  I will admit that I have this problem in pretty much every relationship I have though, so it's not really a surprise after all.  It's frustrating with everyone else as well, by the way.

I think that it is because I'm scared?  I'm not entirely sure what I'm scared of, though I do have some ideas.  Maybe because I have this intense dislike of being radical, or zealous, or fully into anything.  And I mean anything.  I cannot think of a single thing that I am fully invested in, or really have ever been fully invested in.  I am always holding something back, and even if you are in my circle of closest friends, there are secrets about my life that I have probably never told you.  It's not because I don't trust you, it's just that... it's mine, you know.  And to have more people knowing... means more people could hurt me.  I know that you wouldn't, not on purpose, but a lot of hurt happens on accident.  And honestly, my deepest darkest secret?  I've only told two people, ever, and their identities would surprise you.  And in communities that I am a part of?  As much as it looks like I am all in, there is usually a small part of me that is reserved, outside of it all.  The things that I believe?  I always reserve the right to secretly criticize things, and it is very hard for me to completely trust the facts and opinions of another person.  The notable exception to this being my father.  And so I am scared of being all in.

I'm scared of not being in control.  Let me rephrase that.  I am so freaking terrified of not being in control - of my life, my feelings, my desires, my actions.  I am really terrified of what could happen if I let all of my carefully placed controls slip down.  I'm terrified that I would get hurt, again, like I was not too long ago.  I'm terrified that I would hurt others.  Or that they wouldn't accept completely open and honest and impulsive Hannah.  And at the same time, I am scared about being in control of my life, with my decisions and responsibilities sitting squarely on my shoulders. (Never mind the fact that I know that my parents would be okay if I screwed things up a bit, if I got a lower grade in school than I'm used to, or made some other not-super wise decision.  But I wouldn't be okay with myself.)  I am coming to terms with the fact that I am an adult, though, and my decisions do have weight to them.

And this week, it's just felt like God is waiting so patiently for me to go all in, and I keep dancing closer and closer to that line, and it keeps resolving into a clearer and clearer distinction between all in, and partly in.  It all comes down to trust, I suppose.  And I know that I will cross that line at some point, but my natural hesitation is still operating.

Sorry about the weird mix of vagueness and honesty... I don't even know.  Anyway, I love all of you reading this, probably more than you know. :)