I'm feeling really weird tonight.  And I don't know completely why.  I mean, I have a few hunches, but... I think I might be a little depressed.  My normal state of happiness and anticipation for the good things that are going to happen in the future has been suspended since at least mid-March.  I don't derive much happiness from the things that I used to love.  And everything is so gosh darn hard and complicated.  I don't know if I know who I am anymore, and I'm desperately clinging to my identity in God, but it's so hard when I can't feel anything.  I need someone I can depend on.  And I'm not talking peers.  I need a mentor.  And I need one bad.  I don't know if I've ever really had a mentor before, except for one of my friends at school.  But this past year, she was dealing with a bunch of stuff of her own, and couldn't pay much attention to me.  I just want someone to take an interest in me, really pursue me and initiate a deeper relationship.  Because sometimes I feel like I do all the initiation in so many of my friendships.  And I know that I have some childhood woundings, a history of friends betraying me, and not pursuing me, but me pursuing them.  And it's completely possible that my friends do pursue deeper relationship with me, and I can't see it because I take it for granted, or because I've been stumbling around in a foggy place mentally and emotionally, and spiritually too, for a couple of months.  Why does everything have to be so hard?

How can I ask my friends to support me, when they are dealing with stuff at the same time as I am?  When they need me to help hold them up, how can I ask them to hold me up?  And I want to be wise, and mature, and a good role model, and not burdensome.  But I'm not as wise as I want to be, nor as mature, nor as good a role model as I dream of, and I hope I am not a burden.  But we are supposed to carry each other's burdens, aren't we?

This is what was in my head tonight, along with a few other things.  I would say don't worry; I'm okay, but I think that wouldn't be the truth.  I'm just clinging to the promise of God:

Isaiah 32:15-20.

till the Spirit is poured on us from on high,
and the desert becomes a fertile field,
and the fertile field seems like a forest.
16 The Lord’s justice will dwell in the desert,
his righteousness live in the fertile field.
17 The fruit of that righteousness will be peace;
its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.
18 My people will live in peaceful dwelling places,
in secure homes,
in undisturbed places of rest.
19 Though hail flattens the forest
and the city is leveled completely,
20 how blessed you will be,
sowing your seed by every stream,
and letting your cattle and donkeys range free.