Self-Perception

Now the first thing about this post is that it's not a plea for attention, or for compliments or for affirmation (though those things would be nice :D). No, this is just some observations I've made recently (or not so recently) and think are interesting. Mkay. Let's get started.

Self-Perception is a powerful force. We derive a lot of self-esteem and identity from how we see ourselves. (Also how we think others see us, and how we see God and how God sees us. But that's a different subject.) And it's really marvelous how the things others say to us can affect how we see ourselves. For example, when I was little, my dad would always comment on how tall I was, and how I was springing up like a beanpole. Because of that, I steadfastly believed that I was tall, despite actually being one of the smaller kids in my class. My father's words influenced how I saw myself more than reality did.

No one (besides my mom) ever told me that I was beautiful, or pretty, or cute. At least, not that I can remember. So I thought I was plain, ugly even. I didn't look like the girls or women that society told me were beautiful. I never measured up to the standard of glossy perfection our culture told me was the only definition of beauty. I didn't have clear skin, or beautiful curls, or adorable dimples. I wore glasses, and didn't wear makeup. I cared about my clothes, but they were never fashionable, never really "in style." I cared about colors, about having a good color palate in my outfits. But recently, in the past year, I've voiced some of these thoughts, and my friends have been shocked. They've told me they think I'm pretty, cute, beautiful even. And one of my friends, just Friday in fact, made the remark that there are some people who don't need to put on makeup every morning, and that I was one of those people. I'm starting to know that I'm beautiful.

I've never really been comfortable singing in front of people, believing I had a bad voice, couldn't sing in tune, etc. I think my problem was that I always thought I should sound exactly like other people when they sang. I never really sang out on my own, because I thought I sounded bad. But two of my friends have remarked that they think my voice is pretty. And James sings, and Jesse sings, and I like their voices. I like my parents voices, when I hear them sing. I'm part of their family, so my voice should be similar. So why didn't I like my voice? But in the past two weeks, I've suddenly found the gumption to sing out loud in front of other people and not be too self-conscious. And it's a glorious feeling. I know my voice isn't the best, isn't singing in a band quality, and probably not solo quality (let's face it, I don't like performing in front of other people), but it's my voice. "Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!" (The King's Speech. Excellent movie. You should definitely see it. Lots of swearing though. I think they have a clean version, maybe?)