Something I've known for a while, and something that I'm also continually struck by, is that we all suffer and all struggle. We are all trying to work through everything that's been broken and destroyed in our own lives. And as we do this, we look jealously at everyone else, who seem to have everything all figured out, who appear to be happy all of the time. We miss those who have gone away, not realizing that they miss us too. We feel sad and unmotivated and see everyone else, who appear to always be in a good mood and always productive. As a result, we feel like they wouldn't understand us. So we don't tell them about the hard stuff. We keep that to ourselves, and never realize the opportunity to connect with others. And when we do connect, we feel like we two are the only ones who feel this way. It's a filthy, filthy lie. We all struggle with loneliness, all struggle with hormones making us feel happy/sad/numb. I struggle with feeling like the loneliest person in the world sometime. Other days, I can't summon up any motivation to get anything productive done. Still others my only desire is to curl up in my bed in a small ball, and whimper for hours. Some days, I see my friends on facebook, and I'm jealous of the fun times they are having with other people in Kalamazoo. And while I do realize that is childish and immature, and not appropriate, sometimes it's hard to control my emotions. Let's be honest, it's a constant battle to fight against your feelings. And when your feelings are intensified by the chemicals coursing through your veins, those (seemingly) malicious hormones, it only gets worse. Which is why you need others with you in the fight. You need others to stand with you and tell you that you are loved and missed and precious to others. You need to trust others with yourself. And you need to trust God with yourself, because when you trust others, they will inevitably let you down. God never will. But that is no reason to not trust others. You just need to be conscious of the fact that they will never give you everything you need, and trust anyway. This is something I have a bit of practice with.
Also, you need to listen to this song.
thank you for your therapeutic smile, love
ReplyDeleteSumming up lots I could say: I actually live in Kalamazoo with most of my friends, and still manage to feel like this much of the time. I could feed a small village with the self-pity I entertain sometimes. And I've been praying about this a lot lately. And it means a lot to see, in print, from someone who looks to me to be productive and confident and happy most of the time, that you feel the same. But you're further along on the trusting-people thing than I am, I think, because I wouldn't be able to write this mature of a blog post about it. I love you! And you're going to be in Kalamazoo again this weekend, which is fantastic!
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