I wrote this a couple of days ago. I'm actually feeling happier today, which is good.
***
I am sad tonight, for no reason whatsoever (freaking hormones). And I hate that. And there is no way that I can think of to make myself feel better. I just have to endure. I am getting tired of enduring, of waiting, of patience. I am getting tired of accepting that this is the way things are right now. I am tired of all the crap in my friends' lives. I am tired of my mind being fuzzy and not focusing. I am tired of fear. I am tired of being tired all the time. I am sick of it all. And I am sick of my coping mechanisms. How I take my feelings, my tiredness to books and stories instead of to God. I seek healing and life but settle for numbness. I run away instead of engaging. And I am so sick of it, and so sick of watching myself make decisions that I know are bad ideas, but which I have too little self-control to not make.
***
I am sad tonight, for no reason whatsoever (freaking hormones). And I hate that. And there is no way that I can think of to make myself feel better. I just have to endure. I am getting tired of enduring, of waiting, of patience. I am getting tired of accepting that this is the way things are right now. I am tired of all the crap in my friends' lives. I am tired of my mind being fuzzy and not focusing. I am tired of fear. I am tired of being tired all the time. I am sick of it all. And I am sick of my coping mechanisms. How I take my feelings, my tiredness to books and stories instead of to God. I seek healing and life but settle for numbness. I run away instead of engaging. And I am so sick of it, and so sick of watching myself make decisions that I know are bad ideas, but which I have too little self-control to not make.
God! I need you. So much. I am so inadequate.
***
9 days
9 days
No comments:
Post a Comment