A Slice of my Life

Note: I wrote this back in December, December 13 to be exact, but I wanted to share it with those of you who read my blog. :)

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    I grew up in a loving Christian family.  We went to church every Sunday, were involved in many of the ministries, and even talked about God at home during the week.  I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was three years old, to a large extent because my brothers had and I wasn't going to be left behind.  I did believe in God, but he really didn't impact my life too much.  I followed the rules, was a good christian girl and as long as my behavior followed the standards I had set for myself, I felt pretty good about my life.
    However, I was incredibly lonely.  I had friends at church and school, but spent a lot of time alone, feeling left out and sad.  Especially after a few deeply wounding experiences, I didn't trust anyone, not truly.  I never told anyone anything important about my life, afraid I would be laughed at, dismissed, and betrayed again.  And I transferred these beliefs to God, not trusting his heart towards me.  Oh, I told him things, important things even, crying out to him in my pain, but I didn't believe he was out for my good.  In high school I really struggled with believing in God.  I believed he existed, but I didn't understand when he acted in ways that seemed contrary to my good and happiness.  The worst of it was that I wanted so badly to believe in him and have the kind of relationship my mom, and my older brother, and my friends seemed to have with Him.
    Everything came to a head four years ago in my senior year of high school at a youth conference.  I finally broke, sobbed my eyes out on the floor, snot dripping down my face, as I finally let go and decided to trust God with myself.  Later that evening, I even told one of my youth pastors and a few of my friends one of my most closely guarded secrets.  They listened to me and loved me.  It was incredibly freeing, and the journey since has been more beautiful and wonderful and terrible still.
    Over the past four years God has become more and more real to me, and his character has opened up to greater and greater extents.  I now have that relationship I had envied in high school, and it is beautiful.  Not everything is smooth sailing of course.  Things are, in some ways, harder than ever.  Every day I wake up having to make the decision over again - will I trust God today?  Will I let go of my own plans, my own attempts at self-righteousness and control?  Will I stop grasping at everything apart from God that promises me life, all the little indulgences and sins that my flesh hungers for, but I know don't really satisfy?
    This past year, I've been on a books and movies fast, as those are the things that I give my heart away to in return for the promise of life, my personal idol as it were.  My flesh hungers for escape from pain, and stories provide that to me, if only for a little while even as they numb my heart.  There have been so many ups and downs this year, many starts and stops to my fast, and I've been on my knees, raw and sobbing out to God more times than I can remember, because, God, I just want to be happy!  I don't want to feel all of these negative emotions!  But my purpose on this earth is not to be happy but to bring Jesus Christ glory.
    This means saying no when I want to say yes.  Allowing myself to feel when all I want is numbness.  And trusting that when God brings me to a cliff and tells me to jump, I won't crash and burn but instead mount up on wings like eagles.  And so when at Fall Retreat God asked me if I would let him break my heart, I timidly and fearfully said ok.  For Jesus Christ came to help the sick and the hurting and the dying, and restoration and healing often involve lancing the old wounds and letting the pain and anger pour out before new growth can occur.  The past few months have been a time of such deep pain, as God systematically uses the sucky things in my life to remind me of and bring me back to old festering wounds from my childhood so he can heal them.  Yes, this fall has been full of pain, but has also been a time of healing, and learning at a continually deeper level that God is good, God is trustworthy, and if I wait on and trust in him instead of trying to find life on my own, he will satisfy me.
    And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. John 17:3
    But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. - Isaiah 40:31 (Amplified)