Beauty in the Loneliness

This video is so beautiful. And it made me think of all of the solitary walks I've taken here at college. Rushing to class, strolling to church, walking to the library. And all of the wonderful things I've seen and wanted to share with others. The bitter cold day in January that I took a walk, and saw the beauty of the frozen world, passed the washboard harmonica player in the diag, and ended up buying girl scout cookies from a rather cheerful father-daughter duo. The time I saw a squirrel sneeze. The beauty in freshly falling snow, and behind a building where no one could see me, I tilted back my head and caught snowflakes in my mouth. The walks to the library, past the burger restaurant that always smells of falafel for some reason, the small park with the black modern art sculpture, and the adorable little yellow house tucked in between all the other two story renters. The shortcuts I've found, small alleyways in between buildings, often with arches over them so it feels like you are entering a tunnel to the unknown, and occasionally opening into small courtyards I've always wanted to stop and sit in.

And at home. The walks I've taken. The walks to Crane Park in the summer, with Buddy at my side, only returning when the sun is gone and the mosquitos are out, and the reassurance of the streets I know so well in the day and nighttime. The walks through the cemetery, often with no view in mind at all. Walking to and from school, especially in the early spring when it is finally getting warm out and I decide to take off my shoes and socks and walk barefoot. The walks to Paramount, where I sit quietly and swing slowly on the swings, wishing you, whoever you may be, were there. The walks out to Portage on a shopping adventure. The many, many walks with Buddy around the block, running the first block, my flip-flops smacking against the pavement and Buddy glancing at me, his tongue lolling.

All of those solitary walks I see something unexpectedly beautiful. And I always want to share it with someone, but I wonder if I would see those beautiful things if someone was with me. Would I appreciate the unexpected pleasure of my strolls, if I constantly had someone with me? Yet I always wish I could share the beauty.

Beauty: What is it?

Sorry guys, this post is going to be a little heavier than usual.

Dictionary.com defines Beauty as:

1. The quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

2. A beautiful person, esp. a woman.

3. A beautiful thing, as a work of art or a building.

4. Often, beauties. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.

5. An individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting.

6. Informal . a particular advantage: One of the beauties of this medicine is the freedom from aftereffects.

7. (usually used ironically) something extraordinary: My sunburn was a real beauty.

8. Something excellent of its kind: My old car was a beauty.

Dictionary definitions don't cut it for me, though. What is true beauty? What does it mean to be beautiful? Beauty is only skin deep. A thing of Beauty is a joy forever. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Are these things true? Does beauty, true beauty, only reside on the surface of things? Is beauty a state of being that only affects how a thing looks? Does something beautiful give joy and happiness forever? Is beauty in the eye of the beholder? So no one can consider themselves to be beautiful? No one can look in the mirror and say "I'm beautiful today?" Or does that count, because you are the beholder?

I would say that I'm 99% unaffected by the media's presentation of beauty. By the perception that the anorexic models that grace the covers of supermarket tabloids are the real definition of beauty. I was raised in a home that was largely unaffected by the media, beyond radio shows. I didn't watch TV regularly, didn't read the newspaper, and thought that supermarket magazines were stupid. I was brought up in a caring christian home, surrounded by people who loved me. And yet, I occasionally find myself looking in the mirror wishing I was thinner or prettier. Every time this happens, I am shocked with myself. I am 18 years old, 115 pounds, 5'5". I am thin, I have a really fast metabolism, and there is nothing wrong with me. While I don't consider myself beautiful in the sense of having perfectly proportioned facial features, I occasionally look at myself and realize that I'm pretty that day. I have a good sense of color, and while some might think that I mix too many colors, I do know what looks good on me. Red is a fantastic color on me, followed by blue, brown, and pink. Green is okay, as is grey, orange, yellow, black, and white. However, any of those colors can be mixed and make a fantastic outfit. I don't wear makeup, for several reasons. My mother doesn't wear makeup, and so she never taught me about makeup, or made any rules about it. I was interested in makeup in middle school, then stopped caring so much in high school. All of my friends weren't interested/couldn't wear makeup until after I was over it. I occasionally wish I wore makeup, so I could be "more beautiful". Then I realize that I'm just parroting our society's view on things, and am a little appalled with myself. I am beautiful without makeup, and if I need facepaint to make someone notice me, then they are not worth it. Truth is, I don't even know what I would look like with makeup on.

I find that I care more how I look now that I'm at college. I'm surrounded by people who judge me all the time. And while I know that the people who care don't matter and the people who matter don't care, it's hard sometimes to remember that. I find myself worrying about becoming fat, about being judged, about looking frumpy and odd. It seems like everyone here in Ann Arbor cares about how they look, all the time.

Why is it I can find beauty in all of my friends, but struggle to see it in myself?