Meh

I wrote this a couple of days ago.  I'm actually feeling happier today, which is good.

***

I am sad tonight, for no reason whatsoever (freaking hormones).  And I hate that.  And there is no way that I can think of to make myself feel better.  I just have to endure.  I am getting tired of enduring, of waiting, of patience.  I am getting tired of accepting that this is the way things are right now.  I am tired of all the crap in my friends' lives.  I am tired of my mind being fuzzy and not focusing.  I am tired of fear.  I am tired of being tired all the time.  I am sick of it all.  And I am sick of my coping mechanisms.  How I take my feelings, my tiredness to books and stories instead of to God.  I seek healing and life but settle for numbness.  I run away instead of engaging.  And I am so sick of it, and so sick of watching myself make decisions that I know are bad ideas, but which I have too little self-control to not make.

God!  I need you.  So much.  I am so inadequate.

***



9 days

What is motivation, and where can I download some?

I am sitting here, staring at my computer, knowing what I need to do before tomorrow, and unable to summon any motivation to do it.  At all.

And I am sad, oppressed by a meaningless sadness that has no actual cause other than some stupid chemicals produced by my body going out of whack for a couple of days.

I freaking hate hormones.

Especially because I know that what I am feeling is a lie, and yet I still cannot summon up happiness or motivation.  I am still slouching here, my face slack and my eyes sad.

10 days.