Hello people who read my blog.  This is a just a quick note to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging for multiple weeks, despite my goals and despite my promise to.  I made a lot of excuses to myself why I wasn't blogging week after week, and I will probably tell you about all of that, but I won't make any excuses to you guys.  I will say that I'm sorry, and I will try not to cut myself off from this way of expressing myself in the future, because it's a really good thing for my soul.  I will hopefully have a real blog post up sometime in the next week.
Love, Hannah

In honor of Mother's Day

Toucan Sam - 5/8/13
Washing my cereal bowl in the sink
I remember
washing the aged plastic outside
with the smell of campfire hanging thick and heavy
under the spout on the side of a water fountain
the used and dirty water splashing against the sun-warm concrete
cold on my feet
and flip-flops.
I remember
receiving the bowl,
dark cream fading to yellow starting out as
light cream
with toucan sam proudly proclaiming his love for fruit loops
on the cereal box prize
my mother spent five box tops plus $3.99 shipping and handling for
and filled to the brim with conversation hearts for valentine's day.
I was ecstatic.
I remember
taking table scraps out to our dog
and coming back later to find his teeth marks
circling the rim
still carved there
all these years later now.
I didn't mind.
I remember
my mother giving me this bowl again,
a memento of my childhood
to carry into adulthood,
and as I stand here at the sink of a house that I moved into three days ago,
in a kitchen that I scrubbed on my hands and knees like
I've watched my mother do countless times
keeping the house clean for her family in the best way she knew
I remember
my mother
and I realize
how much I love her
and how much she loves me.

April again

It's been a hard week.  I've been sick in bed for the past four days (I've only ventured further than the bathroom once, and that was for a *expletive* fire alarm that made my cough worse), and I heard some really bad news yesterday.  And I just.  I've got nothing.  I've got nothing.

A Meh Post

Blog post.  Right.  So, this week... Um.  There were ups, and there were downs.  I spent a lot of the week being annoyed at myself, tired, stressed, freaking out, etc. etc. etc..  But Thursday or Friday, things got better.  I (kind of) stopped avoiding the things that I didn't want to do, and got some necessary things done, which was great.  And I still feel good, and productive, and happy about that, because I have a whole ton of things due in the next three(ish) weeks.  I could just say that the next four and a half weeks are crazy, and it would be true.  I have so much to do.  But I'm not really stressing about it anymore.  Or at least, I'm not stressed right now.

God stuff right now.  I'm definitely in the pull-back portion of my relationship with Him right now.  And it is intensely frustrating, but I have recognized this pattern in almost every relationship I have ever had, so it is something that is a part of who I am.  It's a protective mechanism, I do know that.  And maybe it's healthy?  I don't know.  I just.  It's frustrating when the thing that it seems God was leading me to do falls through.  And I'm probably hurt and angry, etc. and that's probably why I don't want to trust Him right now.  I honestly don't really even know where I'm at right now.  Trying to trust, I guess.  Adjusting to the new normal of my life.  I really do need periods where I adjust to things before trying to intentionally change/grow some more.

I don't have much for you this weekend, I guess.

Creative reflections on the personal meaning of Easter

I'm a young girl, and I'm awake.  I'm walking through the hallways of the palace, even though it's past my bedtime.  I should be asleep and I know it, but I was scared, and so I'm seeking out the thing that says security and comfort to me - my father.  I open the door to his study, which is dark and deserted.  He's not there.  I go to the throne room - sometimes he likes to sit there late at night.  I slowly crack open the side door (for caution, but also because the throne room doors are large and I am small).  He's there, sitting on the foot of the dais, but hasn't noticed me yet.  I creep in, still afraid (I am out of bed when I shouldn't be, after all) until he looks up and sees me.  And without thought I run into his arms, slippers flying and nightgown flopping.  He holds me tightly, securely, as I take some gasping breaths, afraid I might cry, but they subside, and I look up into my daddy, the king's face.  There is such a look of tenderness and love and concern and gentleness on his face that I know no one can ever harm me, for my daddy will protect me.

Without a word, he stands, shifting my weight so he's cradling me in his arms, and walks back to my room.  I am content to lie there, hear the beat of his heart (even and strong, it says safe. safe. safe.) and look at his face.  If I were older, I would call it noble, the face of a just ruler, but now I can only think that he has a face I trust.  We get to my room, and he lays me in bed carefully, like I am a precious thing to him, and tucks the blankets in around me.  I snuggle in, happy, as he picks up the storybook from the table besides my bed and begins to read to me, his strong, even voice comforting.  I drift off to sleep, knowing I am safe and secure and loved beyond measure.

Leaps of Faith

Okay.  So I'm currently on the Greyhound on my way back to school, after having spent the weekend at home.  I really enjoyed it, seeing everyone and hanging out.  There were a few points where I was a bit overwhelmed by people, but I was able to chill out and regain my energy, which was great.  And I got to see everyone at home that I wanted to and planned on seeing, which was good.  I didn't have the in-depth conversations I wanted to have with some of them, but we still got to talk anyway.  So yeah, this weekend was good.

The past week has been... um, interesting would be an appropriate term, I guess.  Stretching? Full? Draining and filling?  All of the above?  It started with making friendship bracelets till 1:30 in the morning and included many other late nights (and friendship bracelets.  Yay community!).  I can hardly remember everything that happened this week, but as I rarely go in strict chronological order on this blog, that's okay.  So, what major events/themes have been a part of the past seven days?  Faith. Learning to listen better. Learning to serve and die to myself so as to love others better.  Yeah.

Let's see.  So I think (I can't check because I can't get online right now) that I wrote several weeks back about how God seemed to be asking me to stretch myself and try to get a job as a lab/research assistant, and how I had been taking some preliminary steps towards that goal.  Well, on Monday night (I think) I was talking to God and just being like "God! Everything seems really hard right now and I just don't feel like I can do this, because it's just so incredibly hard and I don't know if I can deal with all of the stretching that you are doing in my life right now and I'm stressed about LT money stuff and I need a job and blah!" etc.  Basically I was like God, I'm going to trust in you, but I need you to come through for me asap.  So on Tuesday afternoon, I get onlinel to find an email from someone in the Earth and Environmental Science department looking for research assistants in their lab for the summer and going into the fall.  Basically, everything about this would be absolutely perfect for me.  I sent an email, and I haven't heard back yet, but I still feel confident that God's favor is on me in this situation and that His Will will be done.  So that's been fun times.

Wednesday I had a meeting with Mikey, my New Life Team leader, which was great.  We got coffee and talked for an hour and a half? Two hours?  Anyway, it was really great to talk like that because I really respect him and enjoy having him ask me questions about my life, because I learn a lot about myself from it.  Sadly, this was only the second such conversation that we have had like that in the past two and a half years. :(  Anyway, it was super great and I came away from it deciding to trust God to provide me the money so I could go to Women at the Cross in April (which is kind of super crazy from a common sense standpoint, as I'm still trying to figure out money for LT and living in Ann Arbor before I get my first paycheck (I really hate asking to borrow and borrowing money, but I probably will have to anyway(no, I will unless God comes through in some crazy awesome way))).  I don't know that much about WATC other than that it's a weekend about healing, about breaking through walls in your life, but at least four people from New Life really seemed to want me to go, and I should listen to those who are in spiritual leadership over me, 'cause it's good for my life and soul.  So I'm going to go, even though I have no idea about the logistics of it all, and even though it has occasionally stressed me out in the past five days (There may have been crying fits/emotional breakdowns.  Though to be honest, ever since I decided that trying to have a "stable" emotional state and not allow things to affect me (ie not allow myself to cry until it gets to be way to much and I have a breakdown) is not actually a good way to live my lfie, I've been crying a whole lot more.  Which I think is a good thing.).  I have been stepping out in faith, and doing things that Mikey has asked me to do, even though they were pretty much the opposite of what I wanted to do in the moment.  Argh.  Walking in a place of trusting God sometimes feels like walking on a tightrope when I have had very little experience on it. (Even though in real life I have had a little bit of experience slacklining.  Anyway...) So I'm trying to raise $95 for it (I got a $100 scholarship and Mikey is raising the other $200) and it would be really awesome if any of you people who read my blog would like to support me in this.  If you do, you can just get ahold of me on facebook and we'll figure it out. :)  So I'm registered for that now.  Cray cray.

When I was home this weekend I got to be a part of a conversation between some people I love about some other people whom I also really love and situations that are not as they could be.  I was really proud to see them taking initiative to fix problems that they saw, and recognizing that they had their own part in it all.  I was really glad that I was able to be there and help facilitate that discussion in some small way.  But it hurts to see people I care about not getting their needs met in the church and relational context that they are in.  I understand how messed up the world is, and that people are people and fallible, but it still hurts.  And these are people whom I really love a whole freaking lot.  I would be willing to sacrifice so much for them if I was in a position where that would help matters; if I didn't feel led to be much more invested in my church community here at school, I would love to just pour into them.  Not that I can't invest in them now, but I can't do it to the extent that my heart would like to.  And it breaks my heart sometimes that I can't love and serve them the way I long to.  I love you guys. :) But through it all, I am choosing to trust God.  Even when it is freaking crazy by the world's standards, I am trusting in his goodness, and his providence, and his love.  He can provide for me even in the most dire situations and even if He doesn't, He is still good and He still loves me.  He can love others infinitely better than I can ever hope to.  His goodness is bigger and greater than words can ever express.

To wrap it all up, in church this morning, during worship, someone asked "What would trusting God in your current situation look like?" and this picture popped into my head.  I was balancing hesitantly on a tightrope far above the ground, taking small, cautious steps and generally being super timid because I was scared of falling despite the safety net below.  Then the picture changed to if I trusted God, and instead of being timid and scared, I would be dancing on the tightrope, twirling and leaping deftly from one rope to another, trusting that if I fell He would catch me, but more than that, that He was in the air and would catch me even as I started to fall, that even before I needed a net He would right me and save me and put me back securely on the rope.

Messy

I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and fearful and just kind of messy right now.  I'm kind of super emotional, which is frustrating to deal with on a monthly basis, but it is what it is.  And I've gotten a lot better at letting go of my attempts to control my moods and emotions, gotten better at being okay with crying a lot more than I used to and at more things than I used to.  But I still don't like crying in places where other people can see that aren't church or church related things.  And right now I feel like crying, but I'm in my room with Ria and Alyssa, and I don't want them to notice and ask me questions.  I don't want to talk about it with them, I don't want their concern or attention right now.  And so I can't cry the way I want to.

I'm scared.  I'm trying to trust God, trying to figure out my summer, my next two months, but it's scary.  My bank account is rather low right now, as in I will not be spending like any money in the next two months, and will probably need to borrow money until I get a job and can pay it back.  And a job is another thing.  I have the advice to try to become a research assistant, which involves so much trust, so much expending of energy.  It is so scary to me, trying to do new things.  Whereas getting a job in facilities for the summer would be so much easier and less scary, in my mind.

I have way to much to finish tonight to write more.  Everything seems way too hard right now.  But I know that it's really not.  I know that my hormones are having little hormone parties right now, having fun messing with my mind and emotions.  I know it.  I know that things aren't the way they feel.  But I still feel them.

Edit:  God is ridiculous sometimes, you know that?  He just likes to throw things into your lap when you ask for them sometimes.  I'm shaking right now, and am about to email a professor about the exact job that would be perfect for me this summer.  So yeah.  Hopefully this story has a freaking awesome ending. :)