Sleep?

I'm starting to wonder if I have an actual problem. I slept for nine hours last night, then for about two hours just now, and I didn't want to get up. I keep sleeping so much. What is wrong with me?

RIP Diana Wynne Jones. I didn't read many of your books, but I absolutely adored Howl's Moving Castle. You will be missed.

Pride and Prejudice, updated (sort of)

This video is so funny, and ridiculous. Also, it contains the F-word, so if that would offend you, you probably shouldn't watch it. But if you would like to see Mr. Darcy dancing the disco, then by all means, go ahead.

Beauty in the Loneliness

This video is so beautiful. And it made me think of all of the solitary walks I've taken here at college. Rushing to class, strolling to church, walking to the library. And all of the wonderful things I've seen and wanted to share with others. The bitter cold day in January that I took a walk, and saw the beauty of the frozen world, passed the washboard harmonica player in the diag, and ended up buying girl scout cookies from a rather cheerful father-daughter duo. The time I saw a squirrel sneeze. The beauty in freshly falling snow, and behind a building where no one could see me, I tilted back my head and caught snowflakes in my mouth. The walks to the library, past the burger restaurant that always smells of falafel for some reason, the small park with the black modern art sculpture, and the adorable little yellow house tucked in between all the other two story renters. The shortcuts I've found, small alleyways in between buildings, often with arches over them so it feels like you are entering a tunnel to the unknown, and occasionally opening into small courtyards I've always wanted to stop and sit in.

And at home. The walks I've taken. The walks to Crane Park in the summer, with Buddy at my side, only returning when the sun is gone and the mosquitos are out, and the reassurance of the streets I know so well in the day and nighttime. The walks through the cemetery, often with no view in mind at all. Walking to and from school, especially in the early spring when it is finally getting warm out and I decide to take off my shoes and socks and walk barefoot. The walks to Paramount, where I sit quietly and swing slowly on the swings, wishing you, whoever you may be, were there. The walks out to Portage on a shopping adventure. The many, many walks with Buddy around the block, running the first block, my flip-flops smacking against the pavement and Buddy glancing at me, his tongue lolling.

All of those solitary walks I see something unexpectedly beautiful. And I always want to share it with someone, but I wonder if I would see those beautiful things if someone was with me. Would I appreciate the unexpected pleasure of my strolls, if I constantly had someone with me? Yet I always wish I could share the beauty.

Soil and Science

So in my microbiology class today we learned about soil microbiology. But the whole time he was talking about the ecosystems of soil microbes, and showing us pictures of them and diagrams of soil, I was thinking of gardening. I was thinking of the delight of warm-from-the-sun moist earth between fingers and toes, of the smell of earth on a spring day, of the mud that is everywhere. I wanted to get out there and plant things, watch them grow, play in the mud and soil.

I was also thinking of how I actually really like science, and how I might want to do something scientific for a job. I think part of my aversion to lab science up till this point was due to a couple of factors. One, that I was doing experiments that have already been done hundreds of times before, that already have answers. Two, that we always seemed rushed in the lab, due to the necessity of doing lab work in the class time provided. And Three, the amount of mistakes, fudging, etc that occurred in my lab classes made me feel that the future of science was sadly doomed. The kids around me, who were copying lab reports and fudging data, wanted to go into scientific fields. They were the future of science, and it was a sad sight.

But now I'm considering that I'm good at microbiology (and organic- and bio-chemistry). And I like it. I enjoy playing with DNA and small organisms (except fruit flies). It's something I can do, that I like doing, and that has a rather secure future.

Self-Perception

Now the first thing about this post is that it's not a plea for attention, or for compliments or for affirmation (though those things would be nice :D). No, this is just some observations I've made recently (or not so recently) and think are interesting. Mkay. Let's get started.

Self-Perception is a powerful force. We derive a lot of self-esteem and identity from how we see ourselves. (Also how we think others see us, and how we see God and how God sees us. But that's a different subject.) And it's really marvelous how the things others say to us can affect how we see ourselves. For example, when I was little, my dad would always comment on how tall I was, and how I was springing up like a beanpole. Because of that, I steadfastly believed that I was tall, despite actually being one of the smaller kids in my class. My father's words influenced how I saw myself more than reality did.

No one (besides my mom) ever told me that I was beautiful, or pretty, or cute. At least, not that I can remember. So I thought I was plain, ugly even. I didn't look like the girls or women that society told me were beautiful. I never measured up to the standard of glossy perfection our culture told me was the only definition of beauty. I didn't have clear skin, or beautiful curls, or adorable dimples. I wore glasses, and didn't wear makeup. I cared about my clothes, but they were never fashionable, never really "in style." I cared about colors, about having a good color palate in my outfits. But recently, in the past year, I've voiced some of these thoughts, and my friends have been shocked. They've told me they think I'm pretty, cute, beautiful even. And one of my friends, just Friday in fact, made the remark that there are some people who don't need to put on makeup every morning, and that I was one of those people. I'm starting to know that I'm beautiful.

I've never really been comfortable singing in front of people, believing I had a bad voice, couldn't sing in tune, etc. I think my problem was that I always thought I should sound exactly like other people when they sang. I never really sang out on my own, because I thought I sounded bad. But two of my friends have remarked that they think my voice is pretty. And James sings, and Jesse sings, and I like their voices. I like my parents voices, when I hear them sing. I'm part of their family, so my voice should be similar. So why didn't I like my voice? But in the past two weeks, I've suddenly found the gumption to sing out loud in front of other people and not be too self-conscious. And it's a glorious feeling. I know my voice isn't the best, isn't singing in a band quality, and probably not solo quality (let's face it, I don't like performing in front of other people), but it's my voice. "Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!" (The King's Speech. Excellent movie. You should definitely see it. Lots of swearing though. I think they have a clean version, maybe?)

Feeling Disconnected

Something I've known for a while, and something that I'm also continually struck by, is that we all suffer and all struggle. We are all trying to work through everything that's been broken and destroyed in our own lives. And as we do this, we look jealously at everyone else, who seem to have everything all figured out, who appear to be happy all of the time. We miss those who have gone away, not realizing that they miss us too. We feel sad and unmotivated and see everyone else, who appear to always be in a good mood and always productive. As a result, we feel like they wouldn't understand us. So we don't tell them about the hard stuff. We keep that to ourselves, and never realize the opportunity to connect with others. And when we do connect, we feel like we two are the only ones who feel this way. It's a filthy, filthy lie. We all struggle with loneliness, all struggle with hormones making us feel happy/sad/numb. I struggle with feeling like the loneliest person in the world sometime. Other days, I can't summon up any motivation to get anything productive done. Still others my only desire is to curl up in my bed in a small ball, and whimper for hours. Some days, I see my friends on facebook, and I'm jealous of the fun times they are having with other people in Kalamazoo. And while I do realize that is childish and immature, and not appropriate, sometimes it's hard to control my emotions. Let's be honest, it's a constant battle to fight against your feelings. And when your feelings are intensified by the chemicals coursing through your veins, those (seemingly) malicious hormones, it only gets worse. Which is why you need others with you in the fight. You need others to stand with you and tell you that you are loved and missed and precious to others. You need to trust others with yourself. And you need to trust God with yourself, because when you trust others, they will inevitably let you down. God never will. But that is no reason to not trust others. You just need to be conscious of the fact that they will never give you everything you need, and trust anyway. This is something I have a bit of practice with.

Also, you need to listen to this song.