The gifts of naps

This post is the result of two trains of thought colliding. The first comes from what happened as I napped today. I was trying to wake up from a nap when my roommate came in. I hadn't realized I was asleep; I thought I was on the verge of wakefulness and was worrying about homework assignments, trying to solve math problems in my head. My roommate entering the room snapped me out of that, and I thankfully woke up all the way and realized that it was all a dream. The end result though, was that I felt no different after the nap compared to before the nap. The nap had sucked up an hour and a half of my time and had no effect on my sleepiness and happiness.

The other thing that contributed to this topic was the fact I was sitting alone in the cafeteria eating dinner and feeling lonely. For some reason I started thinking about the first time I recall being completely alone. Not alone as in being a different room than my parents, brothers, etc. But being alone as in all alone in my house. I was probably six or seven and woke up from a nap to an empty house. The lights were turned off, but it was still light outside, and I remember pacing across the kitchen panicking. It turned out that my mom was taking a walk and was only a block away the whole time.

These two things, the non-effect of a nap upon my mood and the memory of waking up from a nap and being alone, made me think about what naps impart upon the nap-taker, the nap-ee, if you will. Not necessarily wakefulness, though that can be one of the things. Some gifts that naps have given me over the past month have been: poems, songs, wakefulness, drowsiness, and loneliness.

How can a nap give the nap-taker a poem you ask? I don't really know. But last week, there were a couple of times that, upon waking up from a nap, the first couple lines of a poem were in my head. I immediately got up and wrote the lines down and more came until I had written a whole poem. I don't understand how it happened, but I was pleased that it happened more than once.

A few days after my naps stopped giving me poems, they started giving me songs. Not that I started writing songs, but I would wake up with a song in my head and realize that I had been singing it aloud in my dream. It was strange, but fun, waking up with music in my head. I would find myself singing the song for the rest of the day

As for wakefulness and drowsiness resulting from naps, I think that they are pretty self-explanatory. A good nap gives wakefulness, a too long nap gives drowsiness. Loneliness results from going to sleep with someone nearby, sleeping too long, and waking up with no one in the house. You wake up drowsy and alone. Naps produce a certain distinct type of loneliness. Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about lately.

Missing you on a Saturday Morning

I miss you abstractly
like an idea I once had
laying in bed
before sleep overtook me
and it got lost
somewhere in my dreams.
I miss you
like I miss Halloween candy,
after I realized I was too old
for trick-or-treating.
I miss you
like I miss the autumn leaves
when it's April and
the flowers are blooming.
I miss you
like I miss the deep-seated cold
of a January night
while at the beach
in August.
I miss you
like I miss all the books of my childhood
still on my bookshelf,
within reach,
yet I never touch them.
I miss you
like I miss the pine tree in my backyard
the one with the view of the cemetery,
the one my brother used to climb,
(cheating I called it)
in the middle of our games of tag hide-n-seek.
I miss you
like I miss all of my wasted days
all of my wasted time.
I miss you
like I miss childhood.
Mostly remembering the good times
but with the nagging feeling
I was miserable sometimes.
I miss you
like I miss all of the books I left at home,
with a fleeting pang
that is soon gone.
I miss you
like I've forgotten
who you are,
how you hurt me,
all the time we shared
who we were.
And it comes back to me laying in bed,
seven-thirty on a Saturday morning,
with the marching band playing
Lady Gaga in the background
and I realize how much
I've been missing you.

So Much To Say

Goodbyes are hard because whenever I leave one of my friends, or one of my friends leave me, I always think of all the times we didn't hang out, the fun things we could have done, how we could have been better friends. And goodbyes often mean that you grow apart. Because proximity helps a lot in a friendship. Goodbyes are also hard because often times I have so much to say to the person, so much emotion to communicate. But all that comes out is "goodbye, I'll miss you, I love you." All the while I wish I could say how much they really mean to me, how they've helped me so much and how much I really, truly care about them. And the goodbyes that never occur are worse. Because then I don't get to even say the little that I usually do.

college, day one, part two

So, I did go to the Capture the Flag event, and I am all sweaty and disgusting and hot and funky. But it was lots of fun, and I'm very glad that I went. Now I'm sitting on my bed, with my roommate and two of her guy friends talking and sitting around her computer. It's slightly strange, and I'm foreseeing that our sleep schedules may not coincide. Or at least, I'll be in my dorm room at a reasonable time, and she might not be. Then again, it is the first day, so I can't really draw any conclusions right now. I really love Capture the Flag. And I met a new friend, which is good. I saw someone from back home as well, but didn't say hello because the leaders were explaining the rules. I'm a little apprehensive about finding people with whom I could be good friends. Which is why I'm looking forward to checking out New Life church, which was recommended to me by several people. But that will have to wait for next Sunday, because this Sunday I'll be back home. Yuppers.

College, day one

So I'm in my dorm room, sitting on my bed, feeling a little lame. I mean, I'm at college and all I've done today has been to sit around, unpack, and mess around on the internets (translation: watch lots of vlogs from my favorite UK Youtubers Charlie and Alex <3 (and some friends: fiveawesomeguys)). But I'm at college! I should be meeting up with my friends and having fun. Not that I'm not having fun watching Charlie and Alex, but rather that I just haven't interacted with people much today. I mean besides my roommate, who is quite lovely, but who probably thinks that I'm lame and have no friends. And that I don't like to talk. But that's just today. She'll soon find out that I really like to talk. Anyway, what I was getting at is that I should go do something. There is a capture the flag event tonight, but I'm all sweaty and disgusting and probably smell funky so I don't want to go. I think I will though. Yes, I will go play capture the flag and get more sweaty and disgusting. Yuck. Well, I'm going to go get ready for that because it starts in twenty minutes and I want to try to smell a little better.

I fail, and am regressing back to childhood

I fail at blogging. I mean, I created my list of "new year's resolutions" and I haven't successfully blogged since. Yup. I have a whole list of excuses I could use, but I won't bother you with them. I don't really have much else to say. Or rather I do, just no time or inclination to say them. Oh, whatever. Here's a few of them:

I feel like I'm being a little kid again, even amidst my packing for college. I bought a Litebright the other day, and spent an hour earlier playing with it. Yesterday, I bought some coloring books and spent an hour coloring. And I'm currently listening to an audiobook of a book I read and listened to scores of times when I was a kid. I'm not kidding. I can hear the audio when I'm reading the book, I've listened to it so many times. It's actually kind of ridiculous.

New Year's Resolutions

So I, like many who have come before me in this blogosphere, have struggled with actually blogging since I created this last fall. Yup, this is the first post in many a month. But, hopefully, it won't be the only one for months and months. That's right, I'm making a resolution (and it's not even New Years) to blog at least once a week. Well, I suppose it is a new year of sorts. In twenty days I'll be attending my first college classes, after moving into the dorm and away from the home and family and town I've known for eighteen years. It's a new school year, and those always illicit resolutions just as much as the changing of the calender year does. So because it is a new beginning, I might as well make some more resolutions.

1) Blog (at least) once a week

2) Write letters to friends every week

3) Keep up in my journal writing (something I've been neglecting this summer. I blame my letter writing)

Wow, I'm going to be well documenting my first year of college, if all goes to plan. Of course I have more plans and resolutions:

4) DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!!!

5) Make a budget and stick to it.

6) Schedule out my week ahead of time and stick to the plan.

7) Do homework on time and talk to professors.

8) Crafts!!!!!

That's about everything I can think of right now. I'm sure that I'll have several more by the time classes start in three weeks. And I'm also sure that these will be tweaked, changed, and just plain forgotten about, until they, or some reincarnation, appear toward the end of December/beginning of January. Because that's what happens, and many resolutions are made to be broken.